Fallen Locks

Flashfiction

The quote is pinned up with a diamond stud, barely visible amid the post-it notes and shopping lists and telephone numbers.

A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.

I stare at it, trying to still the shaking of my hands.  The handle of the knife feels cold and oddly solid in my hand, so much more solid than the rest of my life at that moment.  I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and then look in the mirror again.

Black curling locks fall over my shoulders, hiding the bright look in my eyes and the small scar that is a jagged line just below my left ear.  With my free hand, I sweep away the hair and pull it tightly back.  It makes my face change; it looks more angular, somehow. 

I let it fall again; lift the knife.

I am trembling all over.  Goosebumps race up my arms and down my spine.  I squeeze my eyes closed, and with one quick motion cut the first lock.

It falls like a discarded ribbon to the floor, spiraling around in its decent.  And it still lies there, where it could be a forgotten lump of dust. 

Before I stop myself, I raise the knife again and cut off the rest. 

Black curtains fall away to reveal a face that hasn’t been fully seen for years.  I am no longer a dark haired goddess; I am a pixie with a mischievous look in my eye.

I don’t dwell on my new face.  The knife is set on the counter, carefully entwined in one of my locks.  It looks so mysterious, so dangerous.  It will tell its own story. 

In the hallway, I pull on a blue coat and throw my bag over my shoulder.  It has everything that I think I will need: a change of clothes, a passport, a picture of my mom. 

As I reach for the door, I trip over a little blue elephant on the entry mat.  It stares at me with two black button eyes, its mouth turned up in a comical thread smile.  I swooped down to pick it up before heading out the door. 

It is one less thing to leave behind.

Author's Note

The rough draft of a prompted piece for a contest--excited to see what you think!

Reviews

[Weeping willow]

I don't know how I missed this story poem.
Intriguing write ;-}

[Nigel Newman]

Hi Zoli. I was browsing WC and found this excellent piece. You write very well, and the story flowed nicely. A little mystery, a little danger - why a knife when I'd use scissors - a little wondering whether she's leaving her children behind. It's very accomplished.

You've already explained (to Kaliope) why you included the quote, but for what it's worth, my take on the quote is that it's not required. The story could just as easily start with "I stare at the mirror, trying to still ..." and just drop the preceding part. Again, a personal view. The story is very strong regardless, and the ending is beautifully teasing, so I wouldn't change that part.

Regards
Nigel

[Zoli Fern]

Thanks so much for reading! Yes, after the contest, I think I'll save this piece to my archives without the quote.

[Kaliope]

I really like the descriptions/observations in this piece. The emotions are beautifully conveyed as well, but one thing bothers me a bit.
Jeez, I'm really conflicted here. I know I've given you very concrete structural advice before although I usually try to avoid that, because I don't want to impose my style on other writers. But this feels to me like a puzzle piece placed upside down and my mind is itching to set it straight... Alright, I'm gonna say it - but please bear in mind that it's just my personal preference. If you feel differently, go with your guts, not my opinion, okay?
I think the quote would work much better at the end, right before she leaves. Placing it at the beginning imho leaves no room tension, the reader knows right from the start what it's all about. If you saved it for later, we'd be left wondering and a bit more curious. I suppose you could even drop the quote entirely, because the transformation of her face/self-image and leaving the house both imply that she is going through a major change, but I'd probably leave it in as a nice wrap up of the situation.
Okay, as said - my opinion, not necessarily how YOU should do it. In any case, it's a lovely piece of flash fiction, conveying the sense of departure/new start/nostalgia perfectly. Well done!

[Zoli Fern]

Thank you so much for the feedback! I really appreciate that you were so honest, and don't be afraid to be so in the future. The contest that I wrote this piece for was based off of a prompt using a quote, which is why I included it in the beginning. I like the idea of putting it at the end, though. Once again, thank you!