Abandonment

My feeling of abandonment hit a new extreme today, like slapping someone in the face with a cold hand.  I'm not sure which would feel worse; the smart of the check inflamed from impact or the throb of the hand that was so cold it could have broken off and shattered into pieces.  Which ever would hurt the most, that's what I feel?

I've always thought that things would hurt less if they were just a little bit further out of my grasp and certain things weren't always there to remind me of painful memories.  For instance, when I look at my backyard all I can see are the dead dogs buried beneath the soil.  It takes me awhile to realize each time that there's nothing I can do for them.  Then, as if struck by lightning, my perception changes with a jolt and all I think are morbid thoughts.  My few happy memories with them turn into nightmares and I end back up at square one, feeling abandoned and amazingly even more alone.  I can't help but think that the 'happy' part of my memories is just a trick my mind is playing and that the instant the memory took place I really hated everything around me.  But is this whole instance one such memory or am I staring at my back yard as I speak?  Quite the paradox.

Abandonment.  It would be a completely different matter if I were a homeless person living on the street but I'm not, I have everything a human being could possible need to survive.  At least for a while.  I have a life that I believe most people would be proud of but I can't find it in my heart to think anything good of it.  The fact that I have everything but still nothing at all keeps my heart divided on a rainy day like this. I slowly withdraw from what's there and the people around me that I have always thought are unobtainable, which in turn makes them unreachable.  I turn my mind inside out and literally around in a circle trying to home my mind on a better feeling, but I can’t reach that either.  The more I try to convince myself that I have everyone on my side the more I become confused, and then eventually I feel as if I can’t even trust myself.

Trust, what a completely different subject and one I don’t even feel like touching on today.  If you were to ask me right now if I trusted you, there’s a 98% chance that the answer would be no.

Alone.  Abandonment.  Those are two completely different feelings, but yet they seem to be so closely related in my heart.  Loneliness somehow manages to feel less permanent and less extreme.  As if a few things are still in my reach but I just haven’t found a way to grow that far yet.  Abandonment seems to imply that I lost something precious and I have no will to even try and find that thing again. 

Simply put I feel that I am that chickling that chirped so much because of hunger that it tumbled out of the nest.  It’s hurt, I’m hurt, and unable to get back to where it belongs and where it actually has a chance of survival.  But there are good people in this world, I know that, and a helping hand comes along to put the chick back in its place.  This chickling resumes its hopeless banter for food and eventually the parent’s return with a worm in reach beak.  They don’t stay for long.  The sent of the helping human still lingers on the chick and as if it’s tainted, and the parents don’t believe it’s one of their offspring any longer.  They both fly off in different directions and neither returns nor sees each other again.  One by one their babies die off and the nest becomes emptier until the last to remain is the chick that tumbled out of the nest.

I feel as if I’m that chick, that has lost so much but really never had anything to begin with, because it couldn’t fully appreciate or come to love what it had.

Author's Note

Photo Credit: http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=caged&order=9&offset=24&offset=24#/d23qa6a

I suppose the 'story' is more toward the end. This is more per say my feelings, but I had nowhere else to put it or classify it as.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

I think it's good that you are able to express these feelings and thoughts, even though they're not happy. When I was in the military, divorced and then transfered to a new place where I knew no one, I think I might have felt a bit like you. Dark days find most of us at one time or another, so I hope the sun shines for you very soon.