Childhoods Box

I cleaned out childhoods box today,
And found nothing but memories,
From when life was endless play.
... Now just a box full of childish worries

I pieced through the odds and ends
And wiped the bottom clean
Threw away my innocence
And childish hopes and dreams

It brought the past to the present
And showed me who I used to be
A person without a care
Beaming with smiles of sincerity

I opened up my eyes
And saw things how I used to see
When I lived under endless blue skies
And I thought the world revolved around me

Spiders used to me my playthings
And lightening bugs my night light
I always looked for little ant crossings
And I loved to count mosquito bites

I wasn't afraid of anything then,
To me everything was just a playground
Nothing could hurt me, not even madmen
I thought that there was nothing out of bounds

But reality hit me at an early age
Too young to truly comprehend
But old enough to get the message
That everything can't play pretend

And saw things only I could see

Author's Note

I usually stay away from rhyming because I'm not very good at it and I think that it's really restricting and interrupts some writers flow. But I decided to go with it this time. Still slightly a rough draft that could probably use a few corrections.
Be brutal please.

Reviews

[dustyhowls]

"But reality hit me at an early age
Too young to truly comprehend
But old enough to know that it takes courage
To see my future and find my end"
I'm having doubts about the rhythm of this paragraph, as well as about the two 'but's. Maybe you could do something more along the lines of
'Reality hit me at an early age
I was too young to truly comprehend
But old enough to know that it takes courage
To see my future and find my end'
Something kind of like that? Just so that it's a little more evened out.

"It brought the past to the present
And showed me who I used to be
A person without a care
Beaming with smiles of sincerity"
Okay, I have the same kind of issue with the last two verses here: "[a] person without a care" is seven syllables, and "[b]eaming with smiles of sincerity" is ten, which isn't too far from seven, but I still feel like pointing it out, since you're asking for brutality. Also, "without a care" and "[b]eaming with smiles" kind of interrupts the flow, you know, the two 'with's.

So I know I'm doing this kind of out of order, but:
"... just a box full of childhoods dreams"
First off, why not "childhood" instead of "childhood[']s"? And why the "..."? Again, this is me being ultra harsh, but I think it would work better without them. Speaking of which, why is there punctuation in the first stanza, but not in any of the others? It would work if there were a good reason for it, but I can't find one, so...

"I pieced through the odds and ends"
I actually quite like this verse, but it doesn't make much sense -- which I LOVE, but it doesn't really match with the rest of the poem.

"And saw what only I could see"
That's just a little too reminiscent of "[a]nd saw things how I used to see."


Sorry, you said to be brutal, and I decided to go the whole hog with it, since I'd started, but the fact is that despite all these minor things I've pointed out, I do quite like this poem. It's pretty simple in and of itself, but it has a nice flow and it's a very accurate description of the feelings that come up when you go through old stuff; I was in this situation over the summer, but it didn't end too well.

[Lorraine]

I don't really know how to be brutal to such an innocent writing. And I also agree that rhyming words are very restricting, but they're also very nice to see, once done creatively. I like this poem but I think the ending line is quite weak. I believe it would do better with a different phrase.

Keep Writing. ^___^

[Brittany W]

This was really good. i enjoyed reading it, it reminds me of things i used to do and still do, like counting mosquito bites. But i can also relate that how at a young age sometimes you need to realize that things cant be all good, overall i really enjoyed this.

[Haifa]

I am still new to talk about other people poems, but for me I like it but maybe you shouldn't repeat this part "I pieced through the odds and ends
And wiped the bottom clean
Threw away my innocence
And childish hopes and dreams"
If you had another words add or change some would be more nicer But its your work I don't want you to get me wrong but at all well done. Show your own style in writing and keep writing :)

[Dittobug]

Sorry I can't be too helpful, I can only be a brutal critique when something really sucks and let me tell you, missy, this does not suck. At all.

Although I did find the constant repeating of the second stanza could be found annoying, but it also adds more impact. I don't know. (God, I am so useless sometimes. XD)

Anyway, I'm going to gush out some emotions here... Holy cow, that brings me back. Makes me feel as if I'm cleaning out my closet again, picking through those Fisher Price toys and broken crayons, coloring books and bent up Valentine's... It was a bit sad, in a nostalgic sort of way.

In short, I like your writing. :D

[f**k you]

hmm. this was nice. I really like the flow, it was peaceful in a way. I can definitely relate; it's interesting to look back and see the changes and how drastic some of them are, fading away from that childhood oblivion. One thing, I think you mean "THREW away my innocence" like throwing something away, instead of THROUGH like going through something. That's my only "critique". Otherwise, good job. I liked this.