Fooling the Feelings

Just a dream that I'm trying to piece together...

We were having fun, enjoying ourselves with little illegal things.

We were dancing around the fire, holding hands and laughing a little too loud.

Sweating from standing too close

                        Blood running from playful scratches on the arms 

              & Tears of laughter and drunken joy

 

You walked me home with your hand in mine

And cautious intentions in mind

You stopped me then, pain and desire in your eyes

Sweating from being near me

                         Blood running through your veins, feeding your heart

               & Tears of hope welling in your eyes

 

Like in a fairy tale you took my face in your hands

Looked down at me and kissed me, uncertainly

Sweating from your nervous feelings

                         Blood running but then stopping with anxiety

                & Tears of love falling like the rain

 

Your mouth was warm and we were up against each other

We breathed together and loved for a moment

It was not right, I shouldn't be feeling this

Sweating from realization of something gone wrong

                          Blood running and my heart beating from an awful mistake

                 & Tears of pain running down my face and onto yours

 

I was imagining someone else, kissing me so passionately

I was enjoying it because I made myself believe that you were him

& I don't know who I would rather you be right now

All wrong.

&...

Author's Note

I like to imagine that at the end of this piece I've woken up from my dream and wind chimes are ringing softy in the background...

Reviews

[Casper Cross]

You know I read this, reviewed it and went away but something kept nagging at me. I came back read it again and I think there might be something dark and sinister here. It comes from one of the very first lines in the poem:
"We were having fun, enjoying ourselves with little illegal things."
It was this line that I dismissed originally, I figured you meant smoking pot or something like that.
But after I got away from it I began thinking that there could be something else here, that I skipped over completely.
I think this narrator could either be a young girl, or a young boy and the relationship described in the piece could be one with a much older man or older woman.
I don't think that was your intent, but it did give me reason to think about it and opened up all kinds of new possibilities. That's what good writing does.

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

I feel peeved, this is almost unfinished. It has to be the fact, that as humans we strive for perfection, we want Cinderella to go to the ball and sleeping beauty to wake up. An ending that laughs in the face of convention, well done, a beautiful tragedy of a piece.

[Lorraine]

Wow I can't believe such a fairytale start could end into something heartbreaking. The first several stanzas felt so dreamy, I can practically imagine them as so many girls' ideal romantic time. Even so, I love the ending. It made the whole thing spicier.

Keep Writing. ^___^

[Christina May Shanaberg]

I got the sense that the "illegal things," from the content of the rest of the poem, were simply forbidden things. I enjoyed the poem and it reminded me of a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young song:

If you can't be with the one you love, Honey,
love the one you're with!

[MissWordSmith]

great, but didn't seem so much like a poem. i like the idea A LOT though. project our feelings onto someone else, think they can fill a space that's got someone else's name stamped on.
uniqueness always appreciated, and this was.
Good write, though not your best
Keep writing,
NYTG

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I thought this was a nice write. It was very emotional. I can feel the emotions within the poem. I really enjoyed it. Great write. Thanks for sharing. :)

[The Perfectionist]

You miss an 'o' in 'too' a few times in here. Also, intentions is spelled with a t, not an s. There is no 'e' in 'awful'. And 'passionately' is spelled like that.

I was about to yell at you for repeating 'sweat' but then I realized it was part of your poetic form, so that's all good. I actually really enjoyed this, apart from the lengthy list of spelling errors. You do a good job of both painting the picture and keeping with your form.

The one thing I would suggest is getting rid of your compromise. In the second-last stanza, you have "I was:" to clarify that the narrator was the one sweating. While I definitely see how that would be confusing, I think that is a blow against you. I suggest rewording that stanza so that you don't need that little intrusion.

[Dream Catcher]

Wow Sarah, this was amazing! I've never seen this in your reading list, otherwise I wouldve reviewed it ages ago! But this was really good, and to tell the truth, I know what this feels like.. I've had this happened to me, and if I didn't know you, I wouldv'e assumed this is something you've experienced. But hey, it might have! But all in all, this was a really amazing piece, filled with great description, beautiful emotion, and such passion and soul into it. It kinda made my heart jerk, thinking in the past about stuff like this.. But amazing write!

[Casper Cross]

This is very very good. You are a true talent. I thought it was a beautiful piece.

[These Haunted Hallways]

Hehe, this was really good. It sorta reminded me of a movie. I forgot the title of it, but it reminded me of it lol. Excellent work!

B.A.