Chapter One

 

Chapter One

 

“Where are we headed now?” I turn and look out the window.

It’s dark and we’re on the highway. That’s about all I know. We’ve been driving all day and I’ve been asleep since we pulled out of our driveway. Or what used to be our driveway anyways.

“We’re going somewhere.” My brother says to be before returning to singing one of the songs playing from his IPod.

“That’s really helpful.” I roll my eyes.

I know he doesn’t know where we’re going. What I know that he doesn’t know is that he does this every time we flee a state. He drives until he thinks we’re safe…which means, we could drive until we reach Alaska if he thought that was the safest place to go.

I lay my head on the passenger side window and look out at the dark trees. We’re someplace with a lot of woods. I hate running. It’s all we’ve done since we escaped from that laboratory back in Nevada. I met Kent when I was five. We were cell mates and we grew to be brothers. He’s two years older than I am and he’s taken care of me since we met. We’re different from others; he and I have certain abilities. We weren’t born this way though, I can remember a life with my mother and father. It was short but I can remember small things like the smell of my mother’s hair or the look on my father’s face when I was taken from them.

The government began experiments on children to give children special abilities.They would take some kids from orphanages, others, like me…directly from our parents.

I remember playing in the living room while my mother was cooking when the front door to our house was kicked in. Tall men with guns poured in into our home and grabbed me. I tried to fight them off but it was no use, I was so small and helpless. I remember my mother begging and pleading for them not to take me and I remember my father putting up a good fight before they wrenched me from their grips and threw me into a van. I don’t know what happened after that, there was so kind of gas released in the van and the next thing I knew…I was waking up next to Kent who was alone in a cell. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared, and I wanted my mommy, the tears were pouring out of my eyes and that's when Kent started to sing.  

Kent’s singing has always soothed me; every time they would run tests of me and poke at me and then throw me back in the cell exhausted and weak, Kent would sing me to sleep. He truly has a gift, that voice of his. I feel his hand on my shoulder and I turn to look at him smiling at me.

“I can tell you this Nick. Where we’re going we won’t have to go to high school anymore.”

“Oh thank god!” I sigh loudly. “I am so tired of school…besides I’m sure I should have graduated a year ago.” I laugh.

“Who needs a piece of paper to say you graduated when I can just print one for you?” Kent laughs.

Kent and I spent several years in the governments grip, and then Kent powers developed more and his power to communicate with technology emerged. We escaped from the facility when I was ten and he was twelve. He and I were developing our powers quickly and we had no idea what to do. We came up with new identities for ourselves and we’ve been on the run ever since.

“We just need to kind of need to make a little withdrawal from a bank first.” He adds. 

I groan. I hate stealing but it’s the only way we can make it. Usually Kent just creates bank accounts for us and adds funds but I guess since we’re moving so quickly he didn’t have chance to. He turns off the highway and we stop at a local bank in a small town.

I check the time on the radio and I see it’s midnight. Kent pulls around the side of the bank and grabs a duffle bag from the back seat. He turns to me and I unbuckle my seatbelt. I know the plan. It’s a simple get in and get out.

“How much?” I say stiffly.

“Fifty grand.”

“Fifty grand?” I nearly yell, “Why so much?”

“Trust me. We’ll need it where we’re going.” He smiles. “Now I’ll disable everything and give you the signal to go in. Find the vault quickly and get in and get out. You’ll have three minutes before the backup generators come back on.”

“I know Kent. In and out.”

I get out of the car and walk to the side of the building and I hear the car horn beep once " the signal. I open the door which was unlocked by Kent and I walk in and tale a look around. I have no idea where this vault would be. I look at my watch and see I have about two minutes and thirty seconds left. I walk around before jumping behind the counter to look around…two minutes, ten seconds. Finally my eyes fall on a large silver door…I dart across the room and create an electric current with my fingers that blasts the lock open.

I push myself against the wall of the vault and  scope out the room first. I move opposite to where the camera is pointing and begin opening drawers and throwing bundles of money into the bag counting as I toss the bundles into the bag. I have a minute to get the money and then get out because the cameras will go out again. I check my watch and I have thirty seconds left until he loses control of the cameras and I don’t even have thirty grand yet.

I begin tossing more and more into the bag, no longer counting and I check my watch, five seconds. I close the drawers and heave the bag over my shoulder before pushing myself up against the wall once more. I watch the camera as it inches closer to me and then suddenly the red light goes out; the cameras are out and I have thirty seconds to get out.  I open the vault door and dash out, jumping over the counters and then I see something out the corner of my eye there through the opposite window; a black figure with long hair. I turn around but the figure disappears..

I rush out of the bank just in time and hop into the car. Kent looks at me and smiles. I toss the bag into the backseat of the car and he pulls off.

“Did you get all of it?” he asks.

“I don’t know. I was running out of time.”

“You’re getting lazy bro bro.” he laughs.

“Oh shut up.” I say before laying my head on the window once again and slowly falling asleep.

I dream of my mother and father. I can barely remember what my father looks like but my mother’s face is vivid. Her smooth caramel skin and dark hazel eyes along with her long flowing black hair invades my memory. I’m back in the living room playing with my toys…without a care in the world when the door is kicked in and the men in suits rush in. Every detail from the smell of the cell I was contained to for five years to the feeling of being injected over and over by needles is so surreal.

I open my eyes and I see we’re parked outside a large building with dozens of kids our age roaming around, carrying boxes and laughing loudly. I look out the window look around at the tall building and the one across from it. I have no idea where we are.

I step out of the car and shield my eyes from the sun. I look around for Kent but I don’t see him anywhere. I stretch and yawn loudly. My a*s is sore from sitting the entire way to wherever the hell we are. I look around to see tons of rolling lush green hills and behind this building that everyone seems to be moving into stands a huge mountain.

“You must be Nicolas!” a bright blonde hair woman jumps in front of me. I jump and tell myself not to attack. She laughs and grabs ahold of my arm. “Kent has told me all about you.”

“You’ve seen my brother?” I ask as she escorts me past several girls giggling and through the building.

“Yeah, of course. I know you guys had to have a long drive and I’m sorry I’ve kept him from you for this long but you know being an RA and all he has to work today.” She laughs.

“RA?”

“Yes, Resident Assistant.” She smiles before pressing a button on the elevator.

“Where are we?” I ask while looking around at the flyers posted around the hallway, “Welcome Bonfire Tonight!” some read, and “Movie Night Tomorrow!” among constant others.

“You must still be sleep. You’re at college!” she laughs loudly before flipping her hair unnecessarily. I’ve only seen girls like her on television and I know whoever she is I don’t like her already. She’s too happy for her own good.

“Kent’s upstairs on the third floor checking in. You’ll be rooming with him so I gave him your keys already. Go get moved in you wouldn’t want to miss the Bonfire tonight! She says before shoving me into the open elevator doors and bouncing off down the hall.

I press the third floor button and the moment the doors open I see Kent standing smiling. He’s wearing a navy blue shirt that says, “Laker College Residential Life Staff.” So at least I know we’re at Laker College when I’ve barely had a high school career. Great.

“Don’t look like that.” He says while pulling me into a huge hug. “I did this so we could seem a little normal.”

“Yeah we’re anything but.” I laugh. “College?”

“Yeah…where else can a bunch of different people come together and be normal.”

“Well, I’m sure these people don’t have superhuman abilities.” I say before he pushes open the door to one of the apartment suites.

It’s nicer in here than I thought. It has a full kitchen and a nice sized living room. It’s not bigger than what I’m used to living in. I’m usually in a huge house in a secluded, gated neighborhood and there are four bedrooms " I have never lived with anyone other than Kent before.

“Now, I know what you’re thinking but I made sure the people rooming with us aren’t freaks.” He says before flopping down on the old and worn green couch and sitting his feet up on the coffee table.

I laugh. “You made sure they weren’t freaks. What are we considered then Kent?”

“Advanced freaks.” He smiles.

Kent, other than having the power to communicate with technology, he has the power of telekinesis. While I can generate and control electricity which definitely came in handy when we were breaking out of the facility.

A phone rings and Kent digs out a black flip phone from his pocket, “Your keys are on the counter.” Kent he says before walking towards the door and answering the phone, “Laker College RA phone this is Kent, how can I help you?”

Kent leaves out of the room and I grab the small packet of keys from the counter and open it. Inside are two keys and a small white square card. I place all of them in my pocket and leave out of the apartment. Room 302. I walk down the stairs after seeing dozens of people crowding onto the elevator and walk to the second floor to the lounge where a few guys are playing pool.

“Hey!” one of them calls out to me. “Wanna play?”

I’m hesitant at first, but I can see that Kent is going to be busy with his new job so I decide I need to start making some new friends. I join the guys by the pool table and one of them hands me a pool stick and the moment it’s in my hand I realize I have no idea how to play pool.

I’ve only seen it played on television, and of all the games we’ve owned since we’ve been on the run you’d think we would have thought to have a pool table. I watch as one of the guys racks the balls up and he looks up and smiles at me. I see his skin is pale and his eyes are a deep blue or green…maybe both. I can’t tell. But I do know this. He’s cute.

 

 

Reviews

[Kianna]

Dear Nigel Barnes,

Okay some grammatical errors:

Change "be" to "me" "My brother says to be before returning to singing one of the songs playing from his IPod."

This sentence is awkward, consider revising, "What I know that he doesn’t know is that he does this every time we flee a state." For example, "What I do know is that he does this every time we flee a state."

This is a run on sentence, "We weren’t born this way though, I can remember a life with my mother and father." Consider placing a semicolon behind "though" or a period.

The words "in" and "into" mean the same thing thus making one of them redundant in this sentence, "Tall men with guns poured in into our home and grabbed me."

These are run on sentences as well, " I don’t know what happened after that, there was so kind of gas released in the van and the next thing I knew…I was waking up next to Kent who was alone in a cell. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared, and I wanted my mommy, the tears were pouring out of my eyes and that's when Kent started to sing. "

Okay, I think that is all. Now, there could be more spacing to make this easier to read. About the writing itself. I feel there are areas where there needs to be strengthening. I feel there are some areas where you could impart some imagery instead of just using description to identify the settings. For example, here, "I lay my head on the passenger side window and look out at the dark trees. We’re someplace with a lot of woods. I hate running," where the narrator is looking out of the window. Instead of saying "dark trees" since you have already made it clear it is dark, could say how the bark hugged the still night, or stood in the grassy plains of Oklahoma, actually giving identity to the place these characters are or where they are going.

As for the plot, I am surprised to know the characters are at a college. I found that refreshing because these characters are usually in a high school setting so good job on that. Oh, and I think you should make your characterization stronger. For example, the blonde woman. You could bring out more characteristics about her unless she is a minor character that comes and goes. Also, instead of telling all that information, you could have displayed it. For example, the children are running; the narrator is unsettled. You could have had them stop for a night and the brother sing to the narrator and "showing" some kind of affection. Also, you could have made the narrator rub a wound where a needle was injected into his skin to bring about the many experiments conducted on him. Also, this needs some kind of summary in the author's note box or something. That is to help you explain some things so you don't have to explain everything up front in the novel.

I feel you need to flesh out some details and sporadic ideas. What kind of government is running in this novel? It can't be a democracy because the government is not allowed to do what they did. I would have found it more credible if these children were orphans than the narrator being directly taken from his parents. I found that odd and just sears my mind with like why? Why add special abilities to little children. I suppose the reader would have to find out, but I don't know, the chapter seems to go by way too fast for me.

However, I do like the actual idea itself. You have two experiments together that have a solid bond. They are brothers and they are on the run from those that had them captive.You can definitely run with this idea and turn it into something grand. Continue to work on this for sure.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke

God bless