Back to black

iPhone Entry

Back to black.
11/15/17.


If you look in her eyes, you can see there is barely any life left inside.

The days are drifting, melting together and ultimately fading.

She is fading...

She finally realized that the war is not with life, but its within her self.

It seems like a fight that can not be won.


Disconnected from reality and socialization has destroyed her..

But she still pretends..

It doesn't get her very far.

But back in her room with sleeping pills to take her back to the darkness... the only thing real....her heart rate drops to a slow steady pace that allows her to regulate her anxiety from taking over.

All she can hear is how she is not worth life or love.

But why does she still see a flickering light of hope?

She try's to put out the inconsistent flame but it cultivates more energy and disappears.

To only then come back and taunt her when she is wrapped up and comfortable in her darkness waiting for the misery to end.


Her mind still drifts into an unattainable fantasy where she finds love..
real bold un deniable love..

She knows it has to start with loving her self..
The very person she is destroying..

Anxiety and depression hold her hostage in bed to only remind her of how imperfect she is and will always be..
They provide vivid memories of all the things she destroyed and took for granted.

Which now allows depression to sink deeper into her being.

She is failing to thrive.

This season seems more cold than ever..

She wants to stay numb and not feel..feeling only leads to pain..

She continues her days mentally paralyzed.

Looking at the outside world on her phone she escapes briefly in the photos of others.

She is happy for them. To see them living, loving and learning..

She often thinks of Nolan.

He is the only person she has ever connected with in her life.

It was always a facade.
Only a cruel illusion of what could be..

The estranged non-existent relationship they never had comforts her..

She was hopeful..

One day. But not today.

She won't let anyone near her thorns.

She try's to be empathetic for her friend who is struggling, but can only connect for a moment..


She prefers ifAll Connections are disconnected.

She wants to try and get better..
She just can't.
And won't.