Lost

Inspired by 'Lost' by Red

 

 

Losing my own mind, this

Other life of mine taking

Over my body and mind,

Sending it through a whirlwind

Of hell that it’s not used to being in.

I wish that I could

Take the pain away, yet I’m too

Deep inside the water,

The liquid filling my lungs as

I’m gasping for my other life back…

 

Reviews

[RAWR!]

drowning,
i know that feeling.

very well written,
clear images, and nice flow.

kudos

[Bennett Logan]

I'd never heard the song, "Lost" by Red, so I made sure to give it a listen before reviewing this poem. I can see how the song influenced what you've written here, and what you have here is good. I tend to critique with a decent amount of constructive criticism so if I offend, it's certainly not my intent. I'm just an objective pair of eyes looking over a piece of poetry that you worked hard for. ;) That being said...

I only have one suggestion to make, and that would be to remove any words or lines that don't absolutely NEED to be there. It reduces the poem to its bare bones and I find that it helps you get an objective view of your work. It also opens up possibilities concerning potential revisions/additions. The reason I say this is because there are a few lines, such as 4-6, that I thought could use some rephrasing/revisioning. Give it a shot and see what you think.

Maybe I have two suggestions, actually... The "other life" aspect of the poem seems a bit vague to me. The narrator is currently in the "other life," but wants his or her old "other life" life back. It just seems a little too vague. If I'm missing something, I apologise. You certainly don't have to change what you have here, but I would definately look at revising a few lines and clearing up some of the vagueness concerning the "other life." That's about all I've got.

Again, I like your honest and straight-forward style and I think you have a very natural poetic voice. Keep it up.

Have a good one and definately keep up the good work.

[Noename]

I really like this, very discriptive and relatable.