A Pirate's Rose

For Creative Writing.

 

            The room is pitch black and has a musty, old smell surrounding the whole room. Even when I crawl up towards the barred window in my jail cell, all I can breathe is that disgusting smell and nothing else! I sigh heavily as I look around my ‘glanderous’ room. “I can’t believe I’ve been kidnapped by a pirate! A pirate! They’re nothing but rum-soaked men, anyways,” I grumble under my breath, grabbing the jail cell window for ‘moral’ support. I try to steady myself, yet I fall towards the fifthly ground anyways. I spot an old piece of cloth, watching it wither away slowly from the pinch in between my fingers. I squirm as I drop the decaying cloth, making a weird face as I try to sit on the floor without getting a thing on me. “I should really try to speak to the captain about my ‘staying’ quarters if I’m going to be on here any longer,” I whisper, a tiny knock on the door tapping thunderously before I ask him what he wants. “All the prisoners ‘re s’posed to come up and work the decks,” a pip squeak voice cracks, making me jump about two feet into the thin air……considering I wouldn’t be calling it thin.

            I practically fall over myself as I reach for the door, ripping it open as I see a man about three inches shorter than me standing right besides the hollow, wooden door. The man eyes me up and down, leaning towards the decks as he shouts,” The Capt’n caught a pretty one this time, boys!” A small crowd of whistles flow down towards my ears, making me want to cringe back into my dirt, filled corner that I woke up in just ten minutes ago. I cross my arms across my chest, giving the shorter man a dirty glare. He doesn’t say anything as I follow behind him and hear a few of the other prisoners chattering amongst themselves about how lovely I would look with certain pieces of clothing that they had found in the Captain’s ‘secret treasure chest’ when he was on port getting drunk and giddy on rum with the rest of the crew. I shrug forward even more, my shoulders caving into myself as I feel the slightest breeze against my rouged cheeks. I also feel the man behind me wrapping his fingers around my dark rosed hair, a curl of mine being twirled by his pointer finger. I bite my lip hard before I turn around to snap at him, saying,” Don’t touch me!,” turning back around to catch up with Mr. Short, who is now up on the decks waiting for me with his hawk eyes staring blankly at me.

            “Yer a feisty one, aye?” Mr. Short asks, a smirk coming out of the corners of his bearded mouth. I shrug, a bitter expression overcoming my face. “What’s it to you?” Mr. Short retreats back a bit, probably not thinking that a women like me would ever talk back to him. He doesn’t say anything at first, thinking of something else to say that won’t make him sound like a complete man. “I-----” “Nigel!” I spin around, spooked to hear another voice speaking at first. “Did ye get the prisoners out or what?,” the man says, his chestnut brown hair going into his emerald eyes, which almost take my breath away. “Aye, sir! I mean, Capt’n!,” Nigel says with what pride he has, raising his meaty hand to his head in a salute sign. I lean myself forward to observe the man who was talking to Nigel. “This cannot be the Captain! It’s not possible. He looks too young, around my age!” The Captain turns his head towards my direction, staring at me with those breath-taking eyes of his. “So yer awake now, huh?,” the Captain asks, raising an eyebrow at me. My face turns pink for some reason, just nodding my head up and down. I don’t get why I’m acting so shy; I usually don’t act like this around a man at all! Not even Alfred, my fiancé who I’m supposed to marry against my will! “Uhm, I guess so,” I mutter, looking up at him with my own hazel eyes. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? I can’t believe I’m acting so childish! Stop it, Marie, STOP!

             I hear the Captain laughing his heart out, putting his hand upon my shoulder. “Why are ye actin’ so shy ‘round dear, ol’ Edward?,” he wonders, caressing my face with only the side of his hand. It feels rough against my soft face, yet has a gentle touch that could make any women’s knees weak (which would include mine!). I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to give the impression that I dislike Edward very much. I still feel his hand on my face after only a minute of having my eyes closed, realizing that he had said ‘Edward’. “Wait a minute! Did you say Edward? Is your last name Aldred?” Edward raises his chestnut eyebrow at me, his emerald eyes intense on mine. “Aye, that’s correct, love. Why ask?” I blink at him with two emotions: frightened and ecstatic at the same time. But sadly, it’s mostly being deathly frightened. “You’re the famous pirate who killed all those men in Port Andrews, and took all that treasure from Isla De Ormond.” Edward gives me a definite look. “Yes, love. I am.” He moves his hand away from my face to his hat, adjusting it upon his short cut hair. We stand there for about six minutes before I distastefully take a wet cloth to my clutch, regretfully bending down to wash the deck floors. I wish that I was at home at the party mother is going to throw this evening for me. I can smell the baking bread over the salty air, having a tiny grin upon my face with the thoughts of being dirty the second thing on my mind.

Author's Note

This was called the Spy Scene project because we had to spy on someone at school and write down description of them and make up their personality and what not. Also, it had to be in first person, which was kind of hard for me at first. Oh, I didn't have a title for this, so I just made one up now. Tell me if it fits or not.

UPDATE: I changed the title because I've wanted to change it for a while...now does it fit right (I'm not entirely sure yet..)

Reviews

[Mila]

I was looking around for a good pirate story and I am glad I stumbled on this one. There are a few things that could do with a bit of polishing, and I'll list as many of them that I can find so it may help you in the future, when you so choose to revise this! :)

1. Think long and hard about the situation you've put your character in. It's a good basis for a very riveting story, which you have, but I cannot seem to fathom why someone would accept their situation as quickly as she has. It speaks to character development, and for us as readers to relate to her, if you can portray her emotions more realistically while adding in your own authorial flare.

2. Perhaps there is some back story to this that makes it possible for her to take her situation in such a blase way? If that is the case, perhaps tap into that a little, if only to give your story more depth and allow us readers that "aha!" moment of that being the reason why she is reacting the way she is.

3. The present tense sort of makes it sound a tad... not odd... but I think it would sound better in past tense. It adds a flare of dramatization and also helps us soak in the story better.

4. You have your paragraphs in huge chunks, and separating them out as much as you can will benefit your readers. Try separating dialogue from prose, for starters.

I actually really enjoyed this story! With a little improvement, this could be all the more better, and I hope my tips helped you! Like I said, I'm glad I stumbled on this, and I hope to get to read more of your work in the future!
Well done!

-Mila

[Meradee]

This was good, but it was kind of confusing. Especially at the beginning when she just wakes up and is accepting of her situation. I would kind of like to know what happened before this, what led her to be unconscious in the hold of a pirates ship?
Pepper...

[Belle Morte]

I like it. Good character development. Could use a little more work, some more story. But it still made for a good read. :)

[Ryan D. Mosley]

This was pretty good, but could use a lot of work to become better. I don't know why you told it in present tense but I think you should try past. Also there are a couple of wording mistakes in there.

I think the title should be "Swab the Deck" or "Aldred Edward"

Overall: OK Job!

[Sean M. Addams]

good job on this ... good character development and really kept my attention through all of the story.

[JC Fox]

This was a lovely writing I loved it and you're right the title does fit better with it now.

[Blade & Blood (The ..]

The titles is okay with the story, especially if it's a quick make up. ;) This was a real neat story. Your creative is excellent if you had to make up a personality from a friend or schoolmate. In my opinion, I'd say you had a crush on the guy you must have "spied on". lol Just kidding. Thanks for sharing; I really enjoyed reading this bit. ^^

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

[Captain Blackheart (The..]

A noce creative way to write a piece and a great challanege I bet. A very good piece, I like they way her personallity changed around the captain from as you say fiesty to shy. A good look at the way someone changes around others. Brilliant!