The Unexpected

Character sketch for Creative Writing. XD

The wind caressed the leaves on the tree, making them fall gracefully towards the ground as though they were ballerinas, spinning in the spotlight.. A little girl about seven years old with brown sausage curled hair was giggling as she was climbing up an youthful oak tree, her mother biting her lip with worry written all over them. “Ginny, come down from there! You’re going to get yourself hurt!” Ginevra’s mother screamed, her hands cupped over her thin, capped lips. The seven year old just smiled from the three foot tree trunk that she was on, her spiral curls going around her heart shaped face, and under her small, rounded chin. “I’m going to fine, Mummy!. Watch this!” Ginevra wrapped her stick legs half way around the trunk, her snow white, laced dress on the verge to going over the little girl’s blushed face. Within a blink of an eye, Ginevra flipped backwards towards the ground, landing on her own two feet like a cat from a very high spot on a shelf. A soft thump hit the four inched grass, brushing against Ginevra’s ankles like a soft feather in the wind. A stampede of giggles escaped the rosy pinked lips of the seven year old, smiling with all her might as she proved that she wasn’t scared of anything thrown out at her. “See, Mummy! I told you I would be ok!,” Ginevra pointed out, the wind pushing her huge sausage curls into place as she ran towards her mother, who seemed to relieved that her baby girl was ok from the three foot fall.

     

    Watching the memory fade away like an old drawing, Ginevra sighed heavily as her smoky gray eyes jumped around. Her mother’s Irish accent was still imprinted on her mind, making her wonder how her family was doing these days. Ever since the accident had happened, nobody had been the same, and it made Ginevra worry often. Even though it wasn’t her problem, she made it her problem anyways. Smelling the freshness of the crisp autumn morning, Ginevra could hear footsteps from afar. The crunching of leaves made it sound like the broken pieces of ice on snowy day, an elderly couple walking down a concrete path that lead to a gloomy cemetery.
   

          “Who are they?” Ginevra pondered, pushing herself up from the aging oak tree that she was leaning against. She had always watched them go inside the cemetery, yet never knew who the elderly couple where, driving Ginevra batty whenever she would see the two walk on by. The slight feeling of the wind went through Ginevra’s beautiful, long brown hair, feeling her energy drain slowly as she tried to catch up. “This is why I never joined track at school…,” Ginevra spat, quietly following behind the couple’s back.  The older man was wearing a black long coat that smelled of very strong cologne, his pure white hair thinning away from old age. His hands where covered with leather gloves, one of the gloved hands laced with his wife’s ungloved, wrinkled hand. The women had a frown painted on her lips, her dark chocolate brown eyes staring dazedly at a headstone that was two feet ahead. Her dark gray hair was long around her face, blowing gracefully against her heart shaped face as a tear ran down her face. Ginevra pursed her lips hard, trying to think of where she had seen the elderly couple before in her life. “I KNOW I’ve seen them somewhere…..I just know it!”
    Ginevra was determined to find out who they were, marching behind them as they stopped at their destination. She had almost bumped straight into their backs, stopping three inches before there was a slight case of an accident occurring. Peering around the women’s shoulder, Ginevra stopped as soon as she spoke. “I miss her so much, Alfred. I wish there was something that I could have done to prevent what had happened so long ago…this is my entire fault. If I would have stopped her from -----” Alfred interrupted his hysterical wife from speaking another word. “Laura, it’s been twenty years since the car crash, and you’re still blaming yourself for something unpreventable. That drunk driver had gone in the opposite lane and it was a head on collision. I wish that I could have done something too, but I don’t beat something to the ground every day of my life….,” Alfred muttered, Laura squeezing his hand tightly without saying a word. Setting down the bouquet of flowers, Ginevra stared softly at Alfred and Laura leaving, and then set her eyes onto the bouquet of red roses. “Roses…,” Ginevra whispered, her glazed gray eyes following the outline of the headstone to words on the face of it. Her blood went icy cold. “Ginevra Amelia Clarke. 1991-2008, January 31st. A loving daughter and a dear friend to all.” The words fumbled out of Ginevra’s pale lips, a transparent tear running down her face. “Thank you, mom and dad. I wish you would have stopped me too…,” Ginevra said, collapsing to her knees as she cried by her headstone. She never knew that her parents where visiting her headstone all along, wishing that they were right next to her so she could say that she loved them with all her heart, wanting it to be twenty years ago on the January 31st at nine o’clock, exactly at the time that she died.

 

Author's Note

The original piece was going to be about Ginevra's grandfather, but since it was too long (and too messy from the revision this girl did on my paper), I decided to change to story completely. I hope the ending sentence isn't too boring. XD And yeah, this was tough for me to write because I had to have it at a certain length..... -_-"
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4-14-08: I change the title..

Reviews

[Sonia]

This is a really touching and sweet story, and I really enjoyed reading it!

[Annalisa]

I liked this, if you hadn't told me the ending was predictable I don't know whether or not I world have guessed it or not. But anyway, I saw a bunch of small errors that I have pasted below with a correction afterwards, but this was a good short story, it really drew me in. ^^

The wind caressed the leaves on the tree, making them fall gracefully towards the ground as though they were ballerina dancers on the spotlight----to----> The wind caressed the leaves on the tree, making them fall gracefully towards the ground as though they were ballerinas, spinning in the spotlight.

A little girl about seven years old with brown sausage curled hair was giggling as she was climbing up an youthful oak tree,-----to-----> A little girl about sever years old, with brown sausage curs, was giggling as she was climbing a youthful oak tree,

"I'm going to fine, Mummy!. Watch this!"-----to----->"I'm going to be fine Mummy! Watch this!"

"I KNOW I've seen them somewhere�..I just know it!"-----to----->"I know I've seen them somewhere" (the bold and italicization as well as the capitalization is distracting and unnecessary. YOur writing naturally emphasizes the word, you don't need to visual to exaggerate it)

"Thank you, mom and dad. I wish you would stopped me too�,"-----to---->"Thank you, mom and dad. I wish you would have stopped me too...,"

"who seemed to relieved that her baby girl was ok from the three foot fall."----to---->who seemed relieved that her baby girl was okay after the three foot fall. (I have no idea why this one is so far down when it was earlier in the story but oh well).

My last suggestion is you have the dream and a paragraph outside of the dream close together, then those are separated from the rest... I would separate only the dream, everything else is happening in the same time and doesn't make sense to separate.

But good job, sorry I know this looks like a lot but it's really just a bunch of tiny edits. Great story ^^

[Deidre A. H.]

It's a nice story, though I sort of saw the end coming.

You need more paragraphs. It was a chore for me to follow everything because of the huge chunky paragraphs you did have.

Good luck in the contest.

[Captain Blackheart (The..]

What a touching piece. I really felf for her when I realised it was her grave they were visiting! A great write!

[JC Fox]

Great piece I liked it, vivid and wonderful imagery and you did a great job with it.