I just might

One more night in the life of a manic pixie

She held my hand through the crowded hallways of the club, music blaring in my ears, body paint and alcohol and ash all over me and time slowed down. My heart felt like a hummingbird's, a mile an hour as I watched everyone else's lives unveil mine stopped for a split second.Her smile had the power to tare down the walls that had taken me months to put up. I thought she was it, the girl you stop look at and go  "wow, she's the one I need look no further, this is the person I want to listen to and speak to for the rest of my life" but to her I was nothing... That same night she dragged me outside and said "it's gone on too much" the smile i'd come to adore was now faded and had been replaced with tears... "I'm so sorry and I love you but I can't keep seeing you look at me like you love me, I'm so sorry but I think we should just be friends" ; a piece of me broke off the piece that romanticized everything she did as a possible action of affection, now blackened and saw her actions as they really were. She wanted to teach me, guide me, and talk to me as a friend and she felt a spark when we met, it just didn't light the same fire as mine did. I hugged her pretended I had no idea why she'd "get that impression" cracked a joke and smiled my way through it "you idiot we're friends i'd never ruin that". As I walked to the taxi spot that night I half felt like not going home, I felt like driving even tho I knew I was too drunk and I felt like running from everything in my life. Halfway through this walk of shame/ pity party I met a guy who'd been trying to screw me for months but i'd always ignored him... but tonight I really couldn't care we were walking to his car when Tasha walked into me and saw my eyes covered in tears and this guys hand around my hip and the look of pure self destruction in my face to the point where she pushed him off me and sent him on his merry little sleazebag way, now I knew there was some sort of chemistry between us, we'd talked about it but we ignored it seen as we were good friends but by after the 3rd or 4th glass of vodka soaked tea she was holding me close and telling me I didn't need to worry about being alone. At this point i screwed up even worse, I grabbed the back of her neck and pushed myself further up into her lap so fast the only reaction she had time for was to grab my inner thighs and pull me further up onto her torso. It was loving and innocent and there was laughing and moaning and all kinds of emotions flying and a tension had been lifted, and as we laid with each other we chanted at the same time like it had been rehearsed "I love you" and I saw her smile and drift to sleep so softly... I woke up before her, my head banging and a mouth tasting of regret,  I don't know what I wanted or what I felt except that I had used my best friend; so I cowered out of it and I left before she woke up. We didn't speak after and I don't plan on it and now I ruined another person and It's so hard to live with it... I don't love her, but then again 

I just might