I'm So High Right Now, But The Pain Is Still There

Wow... this is so dark.

Sweeeett dissspooosiitttiioooonnn.

Neeeeeevveeerrrr tooooo sssooooonnnn.

(The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition)

The song that's grabbing my attention,

right from the grips of my strung out hands.

Is it true that you only find love once?

The question running circles in my mind.

I think I Broke his heart, fly's in to make the pain

cave.

It sets my heart on fire, and not in the good way.

A pain that's sturs up wrenching storms in my chest.

Wow, I feel so depressed.

I couldn't return his feelings for me,

they say that if you pretend long enough,

say something long enough you'd start believing it.

I couldn't lie... did I break his heart?

I feel so high.

But the pain is still there.

A kids shirt is trippin' me out, making my mind wonder,

but the sound of his heartbroke tears pulls it back...

Siii~Gh, i can't think of anything else.

My mouth feels so dry I can't talk.

A bottle of Nestea is in front of me, but I can't pick it up....

Is it because I feel that my mouth will soak it up before it touches my throat,

or is it because the tears in my eyes won't allow me to.

Last night I watched a movie called "The Pregnancy Pact".

It was a stupid movie, Fifteen year old girls want to have babies.

One it just happened, one was lonely, one wanted to be cool, but one...

One selfish girl, thought a baby would keep the one she loves forever.

Its based on a true story.

Haha, wow.. The thought of having a human life form in me.

It scares me...

I feel as if the world is falling from beneath me, as if a crack had formed

in the dome that protects this planet, and the empty nothingness of space

was inhaling the air. Everything is fading.

I can feel darkness seeping into my very vision.

Everything is gone...

Goodbye.

 

 

(marker blinking)

Reviews

[Stephen Scaggs]

Dear Ms. Nicole,

Thank you for the read request. I appreciate it as always. This isn't really my type of poem, but I will try to get through this as I can. A tip: do not write a song like lyrics to a song. I've did it in the past and things like repeating words but they don't help with visualization. Remove redundant words to help create a better feel of the piece. Create stanzas to help with the flow. Cut out word like near the end of the poem "I can feel darkness seeping into my very vision" could be "I can hear them at my door. Insanity paces in. I can feel darkness surrounding me." Lol, sorry. Around the middle of the poem, you mention "But the pain is still there" shouldn't it be here, not there? "I feel as if the world is falling from beneath me, as if a crack had formed in the dome that protects this planet and the empty nothingness of space" are my favorite lines. Shape it up a little bit and you'll have a good poem here. Flow is good, could use some rhyme to keep the readers attention more... kudos. 6.8/10.

Sincerely,
S. W. Scaggs

[Joanna Maharis]

This is such a well written beautiful piece of writing. I like the way you weave all of the elements together so intricately. I felt such a powerful impact of the narrators emotions. Some great writing here.

[Kat]

Ooooooh I like. :)
The beginning seems like a concrete poem then towards the middle it reminds me of stream of consciousness; random things that come to the human mind. Maybe you tried to write it like that or you just felt like putting it there. At the end you jump back to your original idea.

THIS.IS.SO.DARK.MANNNNNNN. xD

[LeeLee Ryder]

Loved the lines: Is it true that you only find love once?
The question running circles in my mind"
And the line: "The thought of having a human life form in me.
It scares me..." struck a chord ... my gut twinged cause I know
the feeling ...
LLR

[Ashley Cisneros]

very interesting!

[~ tides ~]

This is a good read. Seeing how people process information and their emotions when they're high is always interesting. You had a lot going on in ya head. Truth is on the page.

[Jeff Bresee]

This held me in there and made me want to feel your pain...mission accomplished. Nice job.

[Jessica]

i loved thisss, it shows rapid thoughts and that's definitely how you think when you're high..
and girls who get pregnant to trap guys are b*****s

[Elanra]

I dont care what they say I just loved this! Its incredibly natural and honest! It felt a short story out of your life... or "her" life :) And a life based on a true story...

I think you really raised the bar with this poem of yours. Its one of the bests. Whatever has inspired you writing this, its a good inspiration. I truly loved the flow of it. And the fact that it seems to jump around is because 'you are high!'

A great narration. Impressive descriptions. Your sense of word-picking is astonishing with this piece.

"I feel as if the world is falling from beneath me, as if a crack had formed
in the dome that protects this planet, and the empty nothingness of space
was inhaling the air. Everything is fading."

This part is fantastic.
Great job Nicole. Congratz and thank you for the read request.
^_^

[J. Richardson]

Very nice- yes, it is dark, but is well written. Seems to jump around a little, but that adds all the more to the piece.

I like it. Captures the pain of what it's like to have your heart broken like that.

Well done!