Losing Humanity

The test I have tomorrow feels trivial, now.

Finding a partner to spend my life with feels trivial, now.

Helping others around the world feels trivial, now.

One night, when I was a young child, out of nowhere I felt a deep emptiness.

Like a dark monster latching onto me, unseen.

I asked my mother, “Why does everything feel different, now?”

She seemed confused.

I said, “I don’t feel like myself.”

I look at those Buddhist monks in their temples high above the Himalayas,

and think of how smart they are.

But also how dumb.

They live with no attachments, like how I want to.

But still, their meditations, like everything else, feel trivial.

Then I think of those Ancient Hedonists,

who drank wine from their chalices and spent all their time naked

in the town square, celebrating lives of pure pleasure

thinking nothing else in the world mattered.

And then their modern counterparts,

druggies, sex addicts, gamblers,

and anyone who ever wanted love and children.

Then I also think of how dumb they are.

If we spread to the stars,

filling every nook and cranny of space,

our civilization unending and galactic and prosperous,

still nothing matters. There is

no meaning in that void of a future,

when everyone who will ever experience it,

will one day not be able to experience anything.

But if we were all immortal, after figuring out how to do it,

still nothing matters. There is

no meaning in experiencing it forever

either. No matter

what you believe.

Then we will try to turn to God. We will

try to find higher answers.

But God can’t speak to mortals, so

we try to become gods ourselves.

But it’s impossible, because we’re human,

so nothing we try matters.

So then we turn to death. Is there something after,

better than the lives we have now?

Or is there nothingness?

Why does it matter, when we won’t know

until it happens? 

Meaning, what we have now

is what matters?

…

Ha.

…

Haha.

I’m joking. I hope you found that funny.

I applaud all those who take a shortcut

to finding the afterlife. They have

the courage to do the unthinkable,

to do what no one else can.

To me, they are geniuses.

Heroes.

I want to die one day, on my hospital bed, with no one.

I want there to be not a single person with me.

And then the ghost of my mother asking me,

“Why didn’t you get married? Why are you dying alone?”

and I will answer,

“Well, once I go, will it matter anymore? I won’t feel anything.

So why should I have tried marrying in the first place?”

Whether she believes me or not,

I will be right.

I will wait for that moment my whole life.

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