Locked From The World

Who me? Water there, food there, bucket for pee and poop there. Hay everywhere. Four walls. One, two, three, four. All concrete. All bare. Concrete floor and ceiling too. No window. No light. Woman come and go give me food. Dull ache in head and inside chest. Nothing me do make it go away. Room is hot and feverish. But feet are cold. Hay pressed against back, little bugs and maggots in it. Sometimes bite me, them do. Many red dots on my body. Hay soft but scrape my skin. Dirty not fresh. Sometimes me forget to use bucket, so. Hay no clean no more. When me open eyes, complete darkness. Only when woman open door me see not darkness. But mostly me see nothing. Not even own hands. My ears hear none too. The silence is loud. Deafening. Me only hear ringing in ears. Sometimes so loud me scream. Scream for woman to come. Come for comfort. She only person me know. Me always hungry and thirsty. Sometimes it get bad. Me lick food bowl for leftover pieces. Me lick water bowl for leftover drops. When me think it not enough me go eat pee and poop bucket. Stinky but tasty. Then me search for bugs in hay. They tasty too. But they hard to catch in dark. Some of them crunch. Some of them slimy when me bite into. Me sleep much. Only thing to do. Me wake when door open and woman there to give food. When me awake me sit in dark. Thinking. But nothing to think about. Me know of nothing but room and darkness and silence and woman who open door. Me whimper a lot. Cry too. For me, this box my home. Home familiar and safe. But still feel dangerous and terrifying. Nowhere to go. Nothing to think about. Who me?

Me no know much about language. Woman no teach me. Woman no explain anything. She come once a day. Gives me food and more water. Me eat fast, want more. Always. Food always white grain and yellow pieces. Woman say rice and corn. Sometimes she give big flesh. Tasty flesh. Me drool when think of it. Me no know what it is. But it good. Always red and bloody. Then one time woman give me same flesh but brown. Me like it better. But she only did once. She never give brown flesh again. Always red now. But when me eat brown flesh she left door open longer than normal. Looking at me. Then she leave. 

All me know, me here since born. Me never go anywhere else. Me wonder where me come from. Even open door give no answer. When woman open door it too bright for me see anything. Like she is in front of white void. Nothing for me to see. Then she give food and water and leave. Me try to get her attention. Me fail every time. Me try banging floor. Me try throwing hay at her. Me try speaking but voice no work. Me know me have one because woman have one too. She sometimes talk. And me know me same creature as woman. Me look like her. When door open and there light, me look at my body. Same arms. Same legs. Me also want to know if woman has little dangly thing in middle of my legs too. One day me try to see. When door open me was ready to pounce on her. Me planned to grab long white coat of woman and see what underneath. But me never saw. Woman scream and kick me. Me felt bad. Me never felt bad before, it was new feeling. She close door fast. She no come back for long time after that. Me during that time try to process my new feeling. No words to describe. But me can try. Me felt like bug was eating me up from inside. Me want to make her feel good. Because me made her feel bad before. Me want to never do it again. Me want to tell her me no do it again and me now think what me did bad. 

When food come sometimes me no want eat. Even though me always very hungry. Me try to know why. Me explore my feelings. Me decided me no want to eat because me want pain. Me think if enough pain, me can black out. Sometimes it happen to me before. Me want to do it myself. Forever, if possible. After pain, when me black out, no more pain. Me think so. So me try to do this, but me always fail. Because woman always come in and force me to eat. Sometimes she bring powerful thing that spray strong water at me. Sometimes she throw food bucket at me. Me no like being hurt that way. Me no like displeasing woman too. Me want to please woman always. So what happen is, me eat again. Then me never black out anymore. 

One time, thing in me changed forever. Me began rubbing thingie in between my legs against hay and it feel good. Me then began touching it with hands and it also feel good. Me never felt good before so me do it all the time. It feel funny and tingly. Sometime it feel wrong so me try to stop, but it addicting. Me cannot stop, me always go back to playing with thing. Me try play with other parts like my toes or nose but it no feel the same. So me always play with thing in between legs. Me play with it so much, one time woman open door and saw me. Me did not stop. Woman stay there longer than normal staring at me. Me look in her eyes. Me no know why, but it make me want to play with thing even more. Woman face then change and look bad, then she leave. Then, long time pass. Next time me saw her, she change. Very much. When she open door, long white coat and pants no more on her. She look like me. It make me happy. Me no wear anything too. Us now the same. Me listened to what she say when she open the door. Me no understand good but me catch certain sounds. “Stooh pid sa-yan-tist pee pol,” she say. “Stooh pid ex-peh-ree-ment. Wa-y arr thei may king me doo dis?” When me look at her body, me experience new feeling me no know before. Me saw round curviness. It make me want touch it. It make me want touch it so bad. But woman look fear. Guarded. Her arms covering her. She no look at me anymore. She let me look at her for long time. Then she close door.

Me no see her for long time after that. Food and water now scarce. But me no more care about that. For next few times me played with thing, me think of woman. It strange. Before, me never think of woman that way. Me never imagine what under her clothes. But now my thing between legs feel funny when me touch it, and now woman make me feel funny too. Me changed. Me continue to play with thing between legs a lot. Me constantly do it. Until one time, something happen. Me feel very, very good. Thing moved on its own. Me could not think of anything else in moment. But moment was fast. It over soon enough. And me could not see because dark, but liquid came out of it and now all over me. Me think it was pee, but stickier. Me think myself fool for not using bucket. Me want to please woman. Would she want creature who no use bucket?

Me think of woman all the time now. She still no come back. Me began think of ideas. What if woman also have thing in between legs like mine? Maybe she no know to rub it. Maybe me can show her! Me create plan. Next time she come and open door, me will jump on her. Me will rub her thing and make her feel good. Me want her to feel good, very badly! Me want her so bad!

Then, strange thing happen. Something in thoughts. Something told me not to do so. Something told me it bad. Something told me to ignore idea. To stop rubbing thing. To stop thinking of woman. To be more like woman. To wear clothes like her. To always stand up and be on two legs like her. To use voice like her. It strange, this new feeling. But it was there. It would not leave. It was as stubborn as the other feeling, the one that made me want to jump on her and touch and lick her everywhere. It was like new voice. Me could hear it all the time. Do not do this, do not do that. It had enemy. Enemy was the thoughts that said do this, do that. Enemy thoughts said me must ravage her. Pull her into box and close door and do whatever me wanted with her. Trap her with me forever. Me would please her and woman would like it so much. Woman would stay with me because she like it too much.

But no! Other voice come back! When it did, me think of light! While the other, not so much, it make me think of darkness. But when other voice came back, it make me feel good, too! Different kind of good! Not the good of touching woman, but the good of me stopping myself from doing! Me no know why. But when this light voice came, it said, no no, no touch her. She no want you touch her. She not like you. You not like her. She will like you more if you no touch her. Do you want someone touch you without asking? No. No touch her, please. Light. Think light. You no know why you here. You no know who you are. But you can make choice. You can make choice to no touch her, you can make choice to make her happy. 

But other voice come back. It strong as well. You will feel good, other voice said. You will feel very, very good. What more do you want? You can rub thing on her, it will make you feel good. No other people to care if you do. No other people to stop you. You can do it. It will make you feel good. Think of feeling good! Think of feeling good!

Then, time come when she open door again. Me never think it happen. But it did. She come with food and water this time. Also back in clothes. Darkness voice won. It made me go into action. Me pounce on her fast and she scream. Me try rub thing between legs on her, try make her feel good. Me try to drag her in room and close door. But she strong too. She hit me, escape me. She close door before me could do anything else. Me was back in darkness. Me began cry. Me wanted her so bad. But me made her feel bad. New feelings appear. Me start to think more and more. Me acted on what me wanted. But woman no wanted. Me think it could be possible. If me had only done more beforehand. Me could have tried speaking to her. Me could have tried being like her. But me acted so fast, me did not know why. Me could not stop myself. Me wanted her so bad.

Soon after, then something happen. Something big. Door open and new person there. Another woman. Not same woman. She also had long white coat and holding board with white sheets on it. She have strange lenses on her eyes. She had upwards mouth like she happy. She spoke and me no understand well, but again, me caught the sounds. “Well com too pah rah dyse. Yoo will bee kill d too ees yor suff ur ring.” Then woman look behind her. Like other people there. But all me see was same white void. “Hee yoo man cap tee vee tee ex-peh-reh-ment num burr won fyve six. Fay lurr. Sub jekk did not kwuh le fye uh wurr needs. Sub jekk ak ted lyke oll oth urrs.” She then look at floor. “May bee derr is no houp in re klaim ing uh wurr lohst hee yoo manity.” She then look at me. “If yoo had not ah takked her, yoo wood hav bin re leesd. End wee wood hav fownd tha kyurr too what had been tay ken from us.”

Then more people come. They grab me and put me on stretcher. They strap me down so me cannot move. Me roared and fought to escape. No use. Straps were strong. Them too. They hold me down. One of them come with strange needle. He come slowly and menacingly. Me fear. Me no want any of this. Me want old comfort of home again. Me would do anything to go back normal. Man with needle poke my arm with it and me instantly feel dizzy. 

Me think of last few things before black out. Me think of who me am, what my purpose, why me no see other people for whole life until now. Me think of box room and the bugs my only friends and the bucket for pee and poop and the walls and the woman. Me think of all my crying and pain. Me think, why jump on woman? Why did me do that? Why, why, why? Me could not control! Even if me think it bad! Dumb me! Me think more and more. Me think about everything. Me think, who me? But soon no more thinking. Soon no more pain. Me felt sleepy and tired. Soon no more feeling even that. Soon no more of feeling anything. Soon no more anything at all.

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