My Nephew

You are stupid; you are ugly; you are worthless. That's what the voices tell me on a daily basis. You're terrible at writing. You'll never be good enough. I try to ignore them and keep doing what I love. Everyone hates your stories. Now I shall begin. 

I watched him quietly, ignoring my work. He giggled and smiled as I made one of my silly faces; I don't have a lot of things or people that I love, but he is one of the exceptions. Little Stevie Junior is the highlight of my twisted life. His smile, his laugh, the twinkle in his big eyes. I love it all. He's so full of life and joy, it makes my heart ache. 

I never want to see him hurt; I can't stand the thought of the world closing in on him like a hungry wolf. The time of innocence in our lives is short; I cherish his, but I won't be around to watch him grow up, sadly. I'll be gone by the time he knows who I was supposed to be. I don't think his mother, my sister, will even want him to know me. It brings me to tears to think I'll never see my nephew as a grown man. I wish things could be different, but I've already chosen my path. 

I'm going to New York to pursue my writing career, but that's not why his mother won't tell him about me; it is because I, a woman, love another woman. I thought she would've understood, but she cast me out. I pretend it was all a faze for my parents' sake; Mom has a bad heart, and Dad is deeply religious. They'd be so ashamed if they knew what I was: bisexual. I can't let them find out. Not now, not ever. It depresses me to know all that I will do once I go to New York for good. I have the girl of my dreams, but I will never have my family back. I'm giving them up for her. 

Is she worth it though? I love her, but at the same time, I just don't know. I want to be with her, but at the same time, I'm scared. It's not real love if I'm having these doubts, is it? I fight with her constantly; it's more of a friendship than a relationship. I would really love to watch my nephew grow up and have kids myself. That's the American dream, right? I want to hold him and give him the love and understanding I never had. All I want is a life of happiness for my nephew, even if I can't have one myself.