Prologue

Prologue

Just off a dirt run road, one of those ones you see in a horror movie about an inbred family, there is a house. It’s a cabin... well sort of. The thing is, it’s made to look like a cabin, but it really isn’t. It looks like a normal suburban home on the inside. Well, you go down this dirt road about half a mile. When you reach a black mailbox, make a right and you’ll end up at this cabin. It looks a little old. When you see it, you think that if you even touch the outside with an outstretched pinky finger, the whole damn place will fall apart.

But, nevertheless, please continue in. Reach toward the doorknob, and brush away the cobwebs that entangle it. Don’t worry, spiders will make new homes somewhere else. Slowly pull the door open with a creak, and step inside. Leave your shoes on, you’ll ruin your socks on the dirty splintered floor. If you are here because you need directions, you’re s**t out of luck. Nobody lives here but me. Technically I’m not here but, I still like to say I am. But, please stay awhile. Take a look around the house. Keep me company for a bit.

If you go directly to your right after entering the home, you’ll see a living room, with a small upright piano in the corner. Antlers are placed gently on the wall, father liked hunting. A few rocking chairs and a couch still sit there, facing an older television, not one of those new fancy HD things. If you would, brush off the cobwebs that hang around on the chairs, I’d appreciate it. I can’t keep up with this place.

But once my request is finished, continue into the kitchen, and sit at the table. I apologize, I don’t get many guests here. But please, make yourself at home. The pictures that are hung on the walls, they’re my mothers. She was a beautiful artist. Please admire them, and if one is crooked, fix it if you don’t mind. But please don’t take anything. That’s my one request. Don’t take anything physical with you. Take as many mental things you want. The mind has no bounds.

However, don’t touch the music box. Don’t open it, don’t look at it, and don’t notice it. That’s my other request. I’m such a hypocrite, I keep saying “my one request”.  My apologies.

Once you are sitting at the table. Close your eyes, and count to ten. One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six… Seven… Eight… Nine…. Ten…. Then open your eyes. Your mind should be quieted. Now… you can listen to my story with an uncluttered mind. Don’t open your eyes now, just deep breaths and eager ears.

Reviews

[Richard Patrick]

The story has merit. You have to create the feeling of fear. An old shack is just that. We the readers know the place is haunted, but you have to sell it to us. You have allowed us to know this. Explain to us by having someone enter the house. Suggest that they have entered and what they have done to anger you. Have someone to draw up something you desire for them not to touch. They picked it up. What do you do? Is your voice loud enough to be heard. Or do you try and retrieve the item by pulling it away.

The spirit should be able to have some means with which to do this? You have to create atmosphere to create fear in the reader. Could you check out "The family." I think the first four chapters should be looked over to give you the idea. Please check it out. It might help in your work on writing horror.

[Leon C]

Its a nice opening. You make the reader curious to know what is going on but like the previous review you need to provide more description of the objections in the house. Tell us what the music box is like. I would give you a chance to layer on more atmosphere. The narrators mothers pictures, what do they look like? was she good? Give us detail, as I reader I was crying out for texture to the piece. You have a good idea here but it needs to be polished up to a shining gem.

[CRBain]

Few things here I think you could improve on. Your descriptions seem to go more for tone rather than accuracy. I feel you are focusing too hard on what the narrator would say and not enough on actually allowing us to see what you are describing. Also, I think you are missing opportunities to fully express your surroundings. You use cliches as a way to handwave describing your surroundings which is easy but lazy, and it reads that way. Most of the honest, hard work writers do is the emotional and gripping descriptions of their surroundings. By allowing some things to be described with 'you've seen this same thing a hundred times in movies.', you rob your readers of a meaningful experience but also rob yourself of fully expressing your ideas.

The tense is a bit confusing. It's hard to figure out if its supposed to be past tense, present tense, or some strange past-and-also-present tense. I understand it's a stylistic choice but I feel it could be done clearer.

As for actual content, I would say that with better descriptions and a less distracting tone, it could be a fairly grabbing intro (which obviously is very important). I'd suggest re-reading the entire passage out loud to yourself, imagine you're the reader.