Microstory 274: Perspective Forty-Nine

This is an experimental Perspectives microstory. The introduction can be found in Microstory 225. More to follow.

I’m going to leave my fiancé. I keep waiting for the right time, but of course, that does not exist. He’s been really stressed about his writing career, and his ridiculous rivalry with his brother, and so I keep putting it off. He’s not a bad guy. In fact, he’s probably the best I could get. But there is simply no way for this to work in the long run. As soon as I agreed to marry him, I knew that it was the wrong decision. But then things started happening so fast. He was discussing where we would live, who should officiate our wedding ceremony, what kind of flowers we both like. I know I’m a bad person. I know that I’m in the wrong here, and that I should have been honest with him from the beginning. He deserves better than me, and I’m not saying that just to remove the responsibility from myself so that I don’t have to answer for my actions. I was never a very good girlfriend to him, even during the good times. I didn’t cheat on him, so don’t go getting any ideas, but I was never as supportive as I know I should have been. I was really only ever pretending, and I feel like such a fraud for it. There’s a glaring obstacle keeping the two of us apart and its something that he doesn’t even know about. I am an asexual. This means that I do not feel sexual desire for anyone. Well, it’s not that I’m not sexual at all, but I have an extremely low sex drive. I’m just not interested in connecting with people that way. And so when my fiancé and I started moving in different directions, there was no way for me to get back to where we were. I stuck around, because I do have a drive to have children, but it isn’t fair for me to trap him in a one-sided relationship when a child is the only thing we have in common. I belong to a support group for asexuals online; anonymous, of course. They all say that I need to end it immediately, because waiting will only make things worse. I just hope he hasn’t bought that crib yet.