Archie Monkey and the Great Escape

A short story for children aged 10-12

Archie’s Great Escape

 

Archie Monkey  wanted to be famous, I mean really really famous.  He could sing, well a bit.  And he could dance, sort of.  He had style, in a way.  And he could act, as long as he acted like a Monkey.  So he did what any Monkey who wanted to be famous would do and entered a talent contest �" Monkey’s Got Talent.

He turned up for the auditions, or try-outs, and queued for hours.  Everybody type of Monkey was there, juggling Gibbons, break dancing Chimpanzees, Rapping Orang-utans.  After hours and hours he was called forward by the Gorilla doing security.  He faced three judges that he had to sing to.  The first was a leprechaun, the second appeared to be some kind of witch.  The third was a wise old Owl, called Simon.

He got up and sang his best Whitney Houston song.  “Iiii   I.. shoud staaaayy.....”

The three judges looked less than impressed.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but... that was an awful bunch of codswallop.”  Said the leprechaun.

“Ah, love don’t be nasty, he could improve, if you shaved him a little and taught him how to sing.”  Said the witch.

“No, no no no.  He just doesn’t have the star factor we are looking for, I am afraid .  Out you go.”  Said Simon, the Owl.

And without further ado Archie found himself picked up and turfed out of the room.

He was sitting on the pavement feeling very glum  when his phone rang.

“Hello matey, how did it go?”  Said a chirpy voice.  This was Teffort, another Monkey and Archie’s agent, who found him places to sing and other work.  Monkeys are brilliant agents.  Michael Jackson used to have one, you know.

“It was awful, Teffort, they said I couldn’t sing.”  Archie felt his eyes well up with tears, he was that let down.

“Aw, mate, don’t worry about it, don’t let these telly persons get to you.  I tell you what I will get you another film job.”

“Not that jungle thing again?”

“Aye, Gorillas in the Mist 2, Monkeys in the Fog.”

“Can I expect to be paid peanuts again?”

“No, it will be Bananas this time, I promise, mate.”

“No I need to do something bigger.  I need to tour Europe.  Can you arrange something?”

“Hmm.. I don’t know, I will see if I can come up with something ok?  Leave it with me mate.”  And Teffort hung up.

Archie picked himself up and dusted himself off.  What did those silly judges know anyway?  He would show the world what he could do, he would be world famous one day, he just knew it.

Teffort was as good as his word and soon Archie found himself on a plane to Europe.  His first port of call was Madrid, the capital of Spain.  The promoter met him at the airport and took him straight to this massive stadium.  They gave him a spangly suit and a big red cape.  Archie was very impressed.  He was even more so when he walked out into the stadium.  The place was huge and full of cheering fans who had come to see him!  Archie was amazed.  He stood in the middle of the arena and waved.  Funny, there wasn’t a microphone, maybe it was in his suit.  He was about to break into song when a gate opened and a huge bull charged into the arena straight at him.

“AArrrgghh!!” Archie ran for his life towards the crowd and dived over the fence head first.  He was halfway over when the Bull butted him right up the behind!  Ouch.  Archie picked himself up, took the cape off and made his exit.  These Spanish people were clearly more bananas than him.

So he gave up on Spain and made his way onwards by plane to Paris, the capital of France.  The promoter there got him a job in a stage act with loads of girls.  Now, this sounded a bit more promising.  He turned up for rehersal to practise his dance moves with the girls, and found himself to be slightly out of shape for what they had in mind.  They wanted him to do loads of high kicks and cartwheels while wearing frilly knickers.  Now Archie liked strange stage outfits but frilly knickers?  Now he would just look daft in them.  And more than a bit girly.

So he quit and moved on again.  A small role in a German stage show followed where he had to wear leather dungarees.  Weirdly it seemed to involve a lot of slapping each other about the face.  Some guy did it to Archie rather roughly so Archie repaid him with a bigger punch and knocked the silly Fokker out.  He didn’t care, he really had had enough!

On the front row one man clapped with Gusto!  “Bravo Mankey!  Heet the German schwinde!”

Archie took a closer look at the man.  He was quite big, and far from pretty!  In fact he was more hairy than Archie with big yellow teeth.  He was wearing some kind of dark grey uniform and big shiny black boots.  Archie later learned that this was General Nastivich, the boss of a small country in eastern Europe.

“Mankey, come sit eeerr neckst to me.  I think your seenging and dancing is bravulos.  Come tell me you come to my country and perform there?”

The General seemed friendly enough, I suppose but not the sort of guy you would want to owe money to.

“Your country, where is that?”

“My Cantry is the Most High People’s Republic of Krapistan.  We make fortune out of digging potassium out of the ground, yes?”

“I see, right.  And you want me to perform for your people?”

“Yes, my people, and especially my family, they would very much like to see you sing.  You come to my country and you become megastar, no?”  And the General pinched Archie’s cheek, rather roughly.

So a few days later Archie was flown first class to the capital of Krapistan.  The plane had to circle while the sheep and cows were driven off the runway.  That should have been the first warning.  He got off the plane and was met by another army man, Colonel Something.  Archie was rushed through customs (one man snoring next to an empty vodka bottle on a rickety table) and straight to the Presidential Palace.

Through the tinted windows he looked out at the country of Krapistan.  Well it certainly lived up to it’s name.  The houses were as gray as the sky, the cars looked about a million years old.  Pictures of General Nastyvich were everywhere, places we would normally put posters for films or CDs.  But the strangest thing was that there seemed to be police and army everywhere.  The people seemed very edgy and afraid of something.  Or someone?

The convoy of heavily armoured cars drove through the thick gates of the Presidential palace.  Archie got out and had a look at the place, it looked something like a spooky castle but with red flags and pictures of the General everywhere.  He followed the Colonel in through the door.  In the parlour General Nastivich and his family were waiting to greet him.  And they were not exactly pretty either.

“Ahh Mankey, come ‘ere!”  Said the General and gave Archie a hug, nearly breaking his monkey ribs.

“Hiya, is this your lovely family?” Said Archie.

“Yes this is my wife, General Ludmilla.  She is Olympic weightlifter, beauty queen, and heavyweight boxing champion of all Krapistan.”

The General put his arm around his wife, who shook Archie’s hand, nearly breaking his fingers.

Now the weightlifting and boxing bit he could believe, but was she really a beauty queen?

“Really, when was this?”  Archie asked General Ludmilla.

“Last year.  The other contestants had a little trouble with their plane when the breaks failed at 10,000 feet.  So, I win instead.”  She smiled like a shark.

“Oh I see, well that’s good I suppose.”  Archie was starting to feel very uncomfortable around these people.

“And these are our lovely children, General Paval, our boy, and his leeetle sister, General Katya.”

The two children looked like smaller, even uglier versions of their parents, if that was indeed possible.  They glared evilly at Archie like he was a new toy they wanted.

So, over the next few days Archie did a singing tour of the country.  He sang in run-down theatres, in factories for the workers, down the mines for the miners, in the barracks for the army.  In fact the Krapistani people seemed to rather like him, perhaps this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

The General gave Archie a house in the palace grounds.  He had his own TV, a nice bed and a wardrobe of outfits to wear on stage.  He even had a phone, so he decided to call Teffort in England.  Naturally it took ages for the call to connect.

“Hello?”

“Hello Teffort, mate.  Just thought I would let you know how I am getting on over here.”

“Hello mate, hows it going, where are you?”

“I’m in Krapistan, performing songs and dancing for the people.  It is going well mate.  I am friends with the boss, General Nastivich.”

“Well thats a good start, best to make a name for yourself somewhere.”  Teffort said.

Archie could near a slight scratching sound in the background.  Suddenly a Krapistani voice piped up.

“How many FFs in Teffort?”

“Eh?  Who said that?”  Teffort was a bit alarmed, so was Archie.

“Me, I am the telephone monitor, I write down everything you say for the General.  Now how many FFs?”

“About four.  Listen, can me and Teffort have a little privacy?  We are trying to talk.”

“No, I record all you say.  Privacy, no.”  Said the voice angrily.

“Oh for King Kong’s sake.  Teffort, I will send you a postcard mate, I have got to go.”

“OK mate, be careful over there.”  And Teffort hung up, very worried about his best client.

 

So a few months passed, Archie continued to perform for the people.  His picture went up everywhere he was performing, and it seemed to give the downtrodden people some small happiness.  He sang his heart out for the army, the potassium miners, the prison guards, then a whole lot of Generals and Colonels, most of whom seemed to be friends of General Nastivich.

Archie felt homesick but he knew now that the General would never let him leave.  He missed England, his friends, watching Monkeys Got Talent on a Saturday night.  He felt sad but he knew it was really his own fault for coming here.  He just wanted to be a famous singer, but was it worth all this?

One day he was summoned to the Palace by a burly guard.  The General was waiting to see him, and he was in a happier mood for a change.

“Ahh, Mankey, we have great and excellent news for you my friend.  We have opportunity for you to win glorious victory for our people.”

“Really how?  Whats going on?”

“You will be representing Krapistan in the Eurovision song contest in Vienna in two weeks time and you are going to win.”

The General showed Archie a television commercial.  The Eurovision Song Contest was on for the 12^th February  in Vienna, Austria.  Representitives of 84 countries would be competing for the honour of who would be the king or queen of Eurovision.  The judges would be.. Oh No!  It was that same Owl, witch and leprechaun who voted against him last time.

Archie was a bit dumbfounded.  He liked performing for the Krapistanis but the rest of the world never seemed to like him much.

“This is a great opportunity for us.  If you win you will be our national hero.  But if you lose....”  The General grabbed Archie by the neck.

“If you lose... you will be put down the potassium mine to work all day forever.  Understand?  Nobody fails me, you will succeed Mankey.”

Archie went to bed that night, terrified.  What could he do?  He really wasn’t that great a singer.

He had horrible dreams of working his paws to the bone trying to dig potassium out of the earth all day and night without a break.  He had to escape somehow, but how?  He had to use his monkey wits.  He knew that escape from Krapistan was virtually impossible, but if they were taking him all the way to Vienna anyway then he could just escape from there?  But how would he do it?

On his nights off he watched his favourite DVDs, the Sound of Music, and the Great Escape.  Both were old films but really good ones.  In one, this singing family escaped the villains by disappearing through a trap door on stage.  In the other the hero escaped by riding a bike over the mountains and nearly made it all the way to Switzerland, and safety.  Hmm.. he started to hatch a plan.

Over the next few days General Nastivich introduced him to Egor, a small hunchbacked little man who would be Archie’s tour manager for the trip.  His job would be to make sure Archie shows up on time, and sings the right songs and wears the right costume, things like that.  Egor was a slimy little so-and-so who seemed very eager to please the General.

Archie re-watched his two favourite films time and again to get the details of his escape exactly right.  He knew Vienna was very near to the Switzerland and he would be driving through snow at that time of year.  He knew the way there was to generally head west until you see a big fence and a red flag with a white cross.

Finally after days of nervous rehersals, the whole party, General Nastivich, his family, his best mates, this Egor fellow, and of course Archie, made their way to the airport and flew out to Vienna.  The city itself was a beauty.  All Christmas trees and old buildings covered in snow, it looked really exciting.  Naturally Archie was closely guarded at all times.  The General appointed two ‘minders’ who followed him everywhere, even to the toilet.

They stayed in an expensive hotel with the top floor all to themselves.  Archie wasn’t allowed to leave so he made up for it by ordering things on room service and making use of the enormous bath.  He finally had his plan right.

The General and Egor called him in for a meeting the day before, to go over the details.  Archie asked for a white sequinned jumpsuit, double thickness.  A pair of white boots, a white cape, some star-shaped sunglasses to wear on stage.  He wanted his hair done in a bit of a quiff, to make it look all cool.  And, most importantly, he wanted a jet-ski positioned under the stage.  For his grand finale he would drop through the stage, onto the bike, drive out from under a curtain, up the steps between the rows of seats and into the foyer.  It would look great.

Igor and the General looked amazed for a second then laughed and slapped his back.

“Bravuloso, mankey, good idea, we will do that.”

Archie went to bed that night and hardly slept.  If he got this right he would be free to go home to England.  If he got it wrong, he would be lucky to live, and if he did he would be a potassium slave for the rest of his life.  But anything was better than living as a performing monkey for an evil General.

The next day he woke up and paced around, rechecking his secret map, and watched his escape DVDs one last time.  He went down to the television studio where everything was getting prepared.  He checked the jet-ski was in place and fully fuelled up.  He spoke to the officials who told him what time he would be playing and showed him to his dressing room.

By 7.55 he was stood to the side of the stage in full white stage outfit, complete with cape and glasses.  While he was waiting the Irish act were just finishing their song and dance bit.  As they marched off the stage and past him they wished him the very best of luck.  The three judges gave their act a nil pois, which means not very good.  These judges were definitely very mean.

The host finally spoke those fateful words:  “And now, representing Krapistan, please welcome Arrrrrrchiiiiiiieee   Moooonnkkeeeeyyyy!!!”

Archie swallowed and launched himself onto stage and straight into his act, singing with unusual gusto.  He really gave it some, singing, dancing energetically and then, just at the end, he jumped as high as he could, and aimed to land on the special trap door...

He dropped through and landed astride his jet ski, slightly winding himself.  He gripped the handles, started the engine, and shot off through the lower curtain.  In front of him cameramen and floor managers leapt aside as he pulled back the handles to raise the front of the bike.  He revved and shuddered his way up the stairs.  From there he drove through the foyer and out the front doors.

General Nastivich’s smile turned to anger as his prize performer made his big for freedom.

“Igor, you idiot, I told you to watch that Mankey!  Guards, get the car, we go after him.”

Within a minute the General, Igor and his henchmen had piled into their supercharged car and gave chase through the streets of Vienna.

Archie had a good handle on the jet-ski even though it was nothing like the bicycle he was used to riding.  This was literally like a jet with a wide flat ski on the front and a single tank track on the back.  Boy, could it shift.  He followed the signs for Switzerland from one road to another.  Suddenly in the wing mirror he noticed a large car following him with a very angry General in the passenger seat.  He fired a gun out of the window and Archie felt the bullet whizz past his cold ears.

The chase continued out of the town and up into the mountains near the border.  The slippery ice made it hard for the car to follow, for Archie, this was no problem, but the General was still gaining on him.  In the far distance he could see a long fence and a Swiss flag planted high on a hill.

Over a mile away the border guards of the Swiss St Bernard Dog regiment were watching this chase as it came closer and closer.  These were elite mountain dogs who could climb nearly anything and survive any weather.  Like all Swiss, they were armed with Swiss Army Knives which had all kinds of attachments such as corkscrews, small blades, scissors and screwdriver heads.  They were big, generally friendly and helpful dogs, but you wouldn’t want to mess with them.

They gathered at the fence to watch this duel take place.

Not far away Archie noticed that his jet ski was nearly out of petrol, the engine was starting to cough and splutter.  Oh no!  Would he crash into the fence and get caught like the hero in the Great Escape?  He stopped for a second and revved the engine.

“Faster, Igor, faster!  That mankey shall not escape me! “

“He is going for the border, boss.”

“I know you idiot, go faster or you will be going down the mine.”

Archie took one look at the fence.  He revved the engine as far as he could.  He released the break and set off towards it, he pulled the handlebars back and pulled the throttle.  He felt the jet ski lift into the air, he felt the whistle of the wind as he flew up and up... and nearly over... nearly over...  aaannnndddd  he crashed on to Swiss ground in a shower of snow and jet ski parts.  He rolled over and over in the snow, losing a boot and snapping his sunglasses.  He lay back, panting, as the St Bernard dogs surrounded him, with curiosity.

On the other side of the fence the General’s car screeched to a halt and he stormed out towards the fence, gun held aloft.

“Can we help you sir?”  Said the first dog.

“British Monkey requesting assistance, I am being chased by the General of Krapistan.”  Panted Archie.

The dogs went into a huddle, hadn’t they seen him on telly about an hour ago?

“Arn’t you him off the telly?”

“Yeah, the singing monkey.”

“OK, you can stay.”

A menacing voice from over the fence cried out.

“No!  That mankey belongs to me, he is a traitor and he shall return to Krapistan to work in the mine forever.”

“Is this true?” Asked the first dog.

“No, I was being forced to sing there, I want to go back to Britain.”  Implored Archie.

“I say, you Swiss dogs, stand aside, and give him to me, or else!”

The rather large dogs turned to square up to the General.

“Or else what?  Say hello to our little friends!”

Suddenly the General found himself facing the business end of various pointy knives, screwdrivers, corkscrews, scissors and toothpicks.  Even with a gun there wasn’t much he could do in the face of that lot.  He turned to Archie.

“I swear, mankey, one day I shall have my revenge on you!”  And he stormed back to his car, in a rage.

The dogs and Archie walked back to their cabin.

“Well that was some escape.  Anyway I believe congratulations are in order.”

“Congratulations on what?”  Archie was intrigued.

“You didn’t hang around for the results but you won the song contest, the judges thought you were brilliant.”

Archie was over the moon, as happy as a monkey could get.  Over the next few days he had his picture taken with all the Swiss Border Guard dogs, he met the Swiss President who gave him a special Swiss Army Knife.  He gave interviews to all the newspapers.

Finally he flew home where Teffort was waiting to meet him at Heathrow,

“Hiya matey!”  Teffort gave his old mate a big hug. “You would not believe the day I’ve had.  You’re flipping hot property now you know?  The papers all want your story, the BBC want an interview.  They’re even talking about making a movie about it.”

Archie was astounded.  He was thrilled, he had finally hit the big time.  He went on all the TV shows, he played performances in London, New York and Rotherham.  Teffort, too had a good time signing new clients who wanted to work for him.

Elsewhere, while the General was away his people overthrew him, arrested all his hencemen and made them work down a mine.  The Krapistanis decided among themselves who would lead them.  They started visiting other countries and found new things they liked to do.  As for the General himself, he is still at large.  He is low on money and hiding from Interpolice but he is burning for revenge.

The last we had heard of Archie he was in Hollywood helping direct the movie of his exploits.  Tom Cruise is interested in playing Archie, with a little make-up here and there, naturally.

 So watch this space.

 

No, this space.

 

 

                                 No, this space.

 

 

 

 

                                No, this space is much better

 

 

 

 

 

 

    Nah, this one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                     Or what about here.

 

 

Oh, please yourselves.