Seamus Monkey and the Goldfish of Doom

Monkey versus Goldfish in live uninterrupted coverage

Bright and early one morning Seamus and Norman Monkey were having breakfast when the mail came.  Norman was tucking into his cornflakes on toast while Seamus opened the letter.

“Oh, eh, it’s a letter from Raffles, he says he has a bit of time off from the zoo where he works.”  Raffles was their cousin, another monkey.  “He says he has a bit of time off from the zoo where he works and he was thinking of coming over for a few days.  He will be over in two weeks.  Oh, and he is bringing that blooming El Greco with him.”

“What?!” Norman sprayed cornflakes over the kitchen table ”Oh no, not that squeaky Greeky thing?” Norman groaned.

“The very same, Norm.” Seamus cringed.

El Greco is this bird-like orange thingy that Raffles bought off a dodgy beach salesman in Greece.  It didn’t cheep like a normal bird, it squeeked loudly, and it would try and steal things with it’s beak. And it would peck anybody it didn’t like, which seemed to be just about everybody.

Raffles himself wasn’t exactly a bad monkey, he was just a bit, well, naughty.  He got bored very easily.  And he was always in bother.  And he was coming here.  Be afraid, be very afraid.

“Hang on, Seamus, hasn’t there been a postal strike for the last two week?”

“Yeah that’s right, they were all off work for two weeks while the strike was on, which meant nobody at the post office was working.  There was a bit row, I am told.”

“Right, so check the date mark on that envelope, when was it posted?”

Seamus ran his finger over it “Two weeks ago.”

“Well that means -”  There was a knock at the door.  The two monkeys looked at each other with mounting dread “Oh no.”

Seamus went to answer the door.. And there he was.

Blue jeans, black leather cardigan, red scarf, and his little squeaky birdie on his shoulder like a parrot.

“Hello lads, how’s you been then?  You gonna invite me in?”

“Aye.” Seamus led him into the kitchen and both of them sat down at the table with a cup of tea.

“So, what you two been up to lately then?” Raffles asked, helping himself to toast.

“Ooh not much., you know.  We won a car race in the camper van, went back in time to the sixties, you know normal stuff.”

“Oh good, getting out and about then?”

“Could say that, lad.”

El Greco hopped up onto the table and eyed Norman with evil intent, his beady little eyes gleaming.

“So, you had better show me the spare room then.”

 Seamus drank the last of his tea and took Raffles’ bag.  It was really heavy!  Raffles leapt up the stairs while Seamus huffed and puffed behind, each step a huge strain.
Meanwhile El Greco was still at the kitchen table with Norman, glaring evilly.

Once upstairs Seamus showed Raffles the spare room, which had a bed, a table and chair, a cupboard for clothes and a window.

“So, here we are lad, all the comforts of home and all that.  Want me to help you unpack?”

“NO!  Er.. I mean.. no thanks you’re alright, at.  You head back down and I will sort myself out”

“Right Cocker, I’ll be down- “ There was a huge crash, then a yell from Norman, then the sound of smashing crockery, and a loud SQUEAK!

Seamus and Raffles barrelled down the stairs as fast as they could back to the kitchen to find El Greco jumping from worktop to table to chair while Norman tried to hit him with a saucepan.  There were smashed plates, food on the floor and orange feathers flying around.

“Norman, lad, what’s going on?  What you doing?”

Norman was hysterical “It wasn’t me!  That thing there attacked me, tried to eat my ear, pecked my head and  flew at me!”

While Seamus dealt with Norman, Raffles was trying to calm El Greco down.  He hopped onto the Monkey’s shoulder, shivering with fright.  Raffles stroked his feathers till he began to relax.

“Blimey Norm, you got to be careful with him ya know, he ain’t like normal birds, he’s a special bird.  I think he was probably startled.  Anyway what happened?”

“I offered him a few cornflakes, and there he was pecking them out of my hand, nice and calm.  Then he suddenly started pecking my head and squeaking in my ear.”

“Ah, yes, El Greco birds do that.  I think he was just checking you for ticks and fleas, he is good like that.”

Norman looked far from convinced..  “Well keep it far away from me anyhow.”

The three monkeys  spent the next few minutes sweeping and tidying the kitchen, mopping up and throwing the bits of broken plate into the bin.

After that Seamus went to do a bit of repair work their camper van, the white and yellow Big Egg of recent fame.  Norman and Raffles were sat in chairs in the back garden, in the glorious sunshine.  El Greco was pecking the grass, looking for tasty worms.

“So Raffles, when are you heading back?”

“Well, to tell the truth I am in no hurry mate.”

“Oh, why?”

“Well the Zoo doesn’t exactly want me back, I wasn’t getting on too well with the visitors.  Mostly kids, you know.  Well I couldn’t face another blooming tea party, either.  Same stuff, every single day.  I want more out of life, do things like you guys do.  So I decided to leave.”

“We only do normal Monkey stuff, mate.  You know, races, time travel, Tiger wrestling, that kind of stuff.  “

“Exactly, you guys have a laugh.”

In the distance El Greco pulled a fat juicy worm out of the ground with a squeak of triumph and swallowed it whole.

“So what’s in the shed?” Raffles was pointing towards the Time Shed

“What Shed?” Norman was desperately trying to avoid taking him in there.  It would only lead to trouble.

“That shed right there in front of us, mate.”

“Oh that shed.”  Norman now knew he would have to give him the guided tour. “I suppose you want the guided tour?”

“Thought you would never ask, lad.”  Raffles grinned.

Inside they were met by a puff of steam and a bubbling from the fish tank.  To make matters worse El Greco had decided to join them, he was perched on Raffles’ shoulder.

“Wow…”  Raffles was impressed by all the knobs and dials, the flashing lights and screens, the steam and the comfy chairs.

Norman nervously  sat down next to him.  “Now Raffles what ever you do don’t touch the red button.”

“No problem, matey.  So where have you been in this thing?”

“Not so much where, my friend, as when.  See that picture on the wall?”

“You and a guy wearing a sheet?”

“A toga, Raffles.  That is Julius Ceaser.  He was big in Rome.  The next picture over is Seamus with Napoleon, who was the top bloke in France there for a while.”

“Oh yeah.  What’s that one of you kicking a guy up the bum?”

Norman tittered at the memory.  “That was a nasty bloke called Adolf  Hitler.  We appeared, kicked him up the bum, got the picture and zipped off before he could get us.”

“Yes he looks very cross alright.”

“You see that big pointy stick there?”

“Aye?”

“We nicked that from a big hairy bloke from Norway, he had a big horned helmet, too.”

Raffles leaned back against a control panel, lost his balance for a second and put his weight on a button.  A nice red button.

The  shed shook, the lights flickered, steam flooded from vents, the Goldfish tank started to bubble… and then nothing happened.  Because Seamus had disconnected his alarm clock and taken it back into the house.  Norman breathed a sigh of relief.

“Sorry, mate, I just lost me balance and.. Yeah, sorry anyway.”

El Greco had hopped on to the worktop and was peering at the Goldfish through the tank.  Inside, Neptune the Goldfish had been feeling a bit off colour lately.  His teeth had grown and he felt, well, bigger and a lot more angry than normal.  Heaven knows what a Goldfish has to get angry about.  He saw this orange squeaky thing looking at him through the glass, and bared his teeth and roared with all his Goldfish might!

El Greco gave a high pitched squeak of fright and flew straight out the door.

Norman and Raffles had seen none of this.  They decided to walk back out into the garden.  But, crucially they left the door ajar.  Neptune finned his way around his tank.  He was hungry now and he wanted live meat for a change!

An hour later the monkeys had finished their tasks and decided to go into town for a while, to have a look around the shops.  They revved up the Big Egg, and off they went.

At the traffic lights, Raffles, who was sat up front next to Norman who was driving, said: “I do love a look around town, I do. “

They arrived in the town centre and parked up then went into the shops.  Seamus and Norman were having a look around W H Smith while Raffles went into HMV.  After buying a few magazines like Monkey Monthly and Zoo magazine they met Raffles outside.  He hadn’t bought anything, but his jacket seemed a little bulkier.

“You not got anything then?”

“Er.. No.”  Raffles looked shifty and nervous.  Just at that moment a security guard ran out of the shop and yelled “There he is, get him!”

“Run lads!” Raffles was off down the street, dropping C.D.s as he ran.

Seamus and Norman watched as two big burly security guards pursued him down the street.

“Well, I see that lad doesn’t change.”

When they finally got home Raffles was there ahead of them.  He had the curtains shut and a big pile of stolen C.D.s on the coffee table.  El Greco was sat on his shoulder as usual.

It was most definitely time for a chat with the naughty monkey.  Seamus put the kettle on and he and Norman sat Raffles down for a good talking to.

“Raffles, lad, your nicking has got to stop.  We could have the coppers around here any minute.  I think you should leave them all in a safe place and ring the police to come and pick them up.”  Said Seamus.

“But we could sell them on and make a few quid.”  Raffles seemed to live in a dream world.

“No, but we could go to prison if the police find them.  Now do as you’re told or you’re out the door, Mister.”  Norman sounded stern, like he meant it.

“Right, I’ll get rid of them then.  I’m sorry to be of trouble lads.”

“That’s alright.”  Seamus and Norman knew it wouldn’t be the last time.

Night time finally came and everybody turned in to bed.  Raffles in his room with El Greco, and Seamus and Norman slept in their own room in bunk-beds.

“What are we going to do with that lad?” Said Seamus, who couldn’t sleep.

“I don’t know but we are going to have to get rid of him somehow.  Night Seamus.”


In the middle of the night Norman felt something tickle his hair.  He twitched and turned. Something nudged him, and something feathery brushed against his nose.  Norman half opened one eye.

“SQUEEAAAAKKK!!”

“Arrggghh!!”

Norman jumped up and threw back the covers.  El Greco flew off around the room, banging the light fittings, making them swing.  Seamus, on the bottom bunk, sat bolt upright and banged his head against  the bunk above.  Norman was trying to catch El Greco in a sheet, feathers were flying everywhere, Seamus was trying to hit him with a shoe, it was chaos!

Finally Seamus hit El Greco when he threw the shoe at him, it bounced off and hit Norman too.  Monkey and bird dropped like rocks to the ground.  Raffles came bursting into the room and threw the lights on.

“Lads, what happened?”

“What happened?  What flippin’ happened?  Raffles your bloomin’ bird thingy just attacked me in me sleep, in me own blimmin’ bed!  I can’t stand for this anymore, he is going to have to live outside, go take him out, Now!  And he ain’t coming back in till morning, you hear?”

Raffles knew he was defeated.  “I know, I am very sorry lads, I will put him outside.”  He sighed and cradled the shaking orange birdy thing in his arm.  Once he was out of site Norman was miming himself strangling the pair of them.  Seamus straightened the place out and went back to bed.

Outside Raffles took El Greco and let him hop onto the garden table.  “Well it looks like you are out here tonight, fella.  Look, don’t blame me, I told you before not to try and de-nit the other Monkeys.”

El Greco gave him a sorry look.  “I know you don’t mean it, just do as I tell you ok?  Good night, fella.”  Raffles left him a blanket and went back inside.

El Greco was left shivering and squeaking to himself in the darkness in the back garden.  He couldn’t rest because the shed door was banging open.  After a minute of quiet he noticed a low growling coming from the inside of the shed.  And a scraping sound like a claw being dragged along the floor.  He shut his eyes tight and tried to forget it.

Inside the shed Neptune wasn’t feeling good at all.  His fins had turned into powerful legs, his mouth had grown sharp teeth and his new feet had claws.  He didn’t want to be in water anymore, he climbed out of the tank and stood up for the first time.  He was a goldfish no more, he was a mutant goldfish monster now, and he was hungry!

El Greco’s eyes opened as he heard a splashing and a sound of breaking glass like a fish tank smashing.  He hopped over to the door of the shed and peered into the blackness  with his beady black eyes.

“Squeak?” Which meant hello  Something was in there.  There was a low growling sound….

“SQUEEEAAAKKK!!!”

Gulp…

Hhmm, thought Neptune, not a bad taste, this feathery food.  Wonder where he can find some more?

Back inside Raffles was in his room, counting his newly made £15 notes.  They were not bad, the had the front of a ten pound note and the back of a fiver.  Now all he had to do is persuade people to swap them with him for real money.

Neptune crawled around the garden, feeling the cold grass against his belly.  It felt weird, but he liked being out of his tank, the world seemed bigger around him now.  But the sudden growth left him feeling so hungry, he could eat a Monkey on toast.  There was a big house over there with the window left open, wonder if he could get inside?  Hey, it wasn’t that hard.

Upstairs Norman was just dropping off to sleep for the third time.  Seamus was on the top bunk, already snoring.  He could see Raffles’ bedroom light was still on.

Neptune slithered around the ground floor, through the kitchen, where he found nothing he would like.  He skulked through the lounge and up the stairs.  Perhaps he could find something nice and tasty to eat upstairs?

Raffles stuffed the dodgy notes, Fifteeners he called them, back into the hold-all and got into bed.

Neptune saw the light go off in the first room but the door was shut.  He saw a second door was ajar further down and went to investigate inside.

Norman stirred in his sleep, and turned over.  He felt something wet drip onto him.  Did he imagine it?  There it was again.  He wiped it off and his hand brushed something above him.  Something hard, and wet.  Something scaly and rough.

Norman opened half an eye, then suddenly both eyes.  There was in front of him was…  huge teeth, big scary golden head, black lifeless eyes, rough scales and claws.  He froze in fright!  He couldn’t speak.

“Sshhh… sshhhh…  SEAMUS!!”  Norman kicked out at the ugly monster and launched himself out of bed away from it.  He jumped up onto a chest of draws and stood there with the nasty thing snapping at his heels.

Seamus had woke up and flicked the light back on again.  He had to rub his eyes when he saw this thing.  It was huge, orange, and very very ugly.  Part Goldfish, part alligator by the looks of it, only even bigger.

Neptune was hungry!  He could smell the monkey burgers already.. Only he couldn’t get to them.  One was standing on a chest of draws and the other was on the top bunk.

He started to chew away at the wood of the bottom draw, breaking it to pieces.  Ha! That was easy, now the next draw.

Norman was bricking it!  This thing was inches away from his ankles, breaking the wooden draws below him like they were made of twigs.  How could he escape?  His only chance was to jump for it over to Seamus on the top bunk, it wasn’t far.

Seamus looked on in fear.  How could he help?  Norman was stuck on top of the draws, and it was chewing away underneath him.  Norman made ready to jump, Seamus held out his arm..

Norman took a breath and jumped towards the top bunk as hard as he could… and barely made it, he was holding on by one plank of wood.  Seamus grabbed his wrists and pulled him up, as Neptune snapped at his heels.

Foood!! He wanted a nice tasty monkey burger, with relish!

Raffles was woken up and came bursting in again, expecting to find Norman standing over El Greco’s dead body.  But he wasn’t expecting to find this!  Two Monkeys stranded on the top bunk, lots of broken wood and a fishy thing with big teeth  turning to face him with it’s big pearly teeth.

“F-f-f-ffiiissshh!!!” He managed to duck out the door and hold it shut as Neptune scratched and snarled at it.
“Norman, what the flippin’ heck is that thing?  Where did it come from?  How did it get here?”

Norman was breathing hard and tried to calm down.  He took another look at the ugly little monster.  It had  a familiar colour, and the fins on top were just like those of a goldfish.

Seamus managed to beat Neptune with a pillow until the fish backed down.  It lay down on the floor and growled at them nastily.

“Seamus, I think I know what happened, lad.”

“Yeah that thing tried to blimmin’ eat us.”

“No, before that.  This thing, my friend, is a mutant goldfish.”

“You’re joking, how did that happen?”

“Well, it is possible mate.  You know how we use the goldfish tank to store energy in the time shed? The way water can hold electricity and all that?”

“Aye.”

“Well I think the energy has caused the goldfish to change, somehow. Made him grow into something.. Big and nasty.”

“So what do we do about it?”

“Well.. Have you got a fishing rod?”

“Are you being funny?”

“Oh I can’t think of anything.  You got any ideas?”

“Just one.  Raffles!  Are you there?”  Raffles was outside, holding the door shut with all his might.

“I’m here, outside, holding the door shut with all my might!”

“Well, listen mate, we need you to do something for us. Can you get that thing into the time shed and set it running for about ten thousand years ago?”

“I can try, why that date though?”

“Well it was about then that the fish started to evolve from land animals.  He may be happier about then.”

“And not try to eat us?”

“Well, that’s the idea anyway.”

“So what am I using for bait to get this thing into the time shed?”

“Erm.. Yourself?”

“Not much choice really I suppose, have I?”




Neptune was sat hunched down at the bottom of the bunk beds.  Those tasty Monkeys would have to come down sometime.  And when they did he could have Monkey kebabs with Monkey blood sauce.  Hang on, was the door opening..?

Raffles gulped and opened the door,  sure that this was a really really bad idea.  “Here fishy fishy…  ooohh heck!!”  And ran with all his might.

There was food!  On the ground, and running away!  He wanted it, now!

Raffles ran down the stairs, three at a time, and through the kitchen and out the door .  Neptune was close behind him.

Seamus was relieved to see the horrible thing gone, but then he had a thought:  Raffles didn’t have the alarm clock, the most important part of the time shed.  He quickly grabbed it and gave chase.

Raffles ran out the back door and held it shut behind him, inside Neptune was clawing and snapping again at a door .  He let go of the door and made a dash for the shed with Neptune in hot pursuit.

Seamus was behind the two of them, with the clock under his arm.

Raffles managed to get the shed door open and managed to slam it shut, again just ahead of Neptune, who met yet another door.

Inside Raffles could see humming machines, bleeping computers, a smashed fish tank and.. Oh no!  He saw loads of little orange feathers on the ground.  This horrible monster had eaten his El Greco!

Full of fury Raffles opened the door, and as the fishy monster charged in, he slammed the door in it’s face.  He trapped it’s head between the door and the door frame and smashed it hard with his fist.

Ouch, Neptune had a headache, he only wanted to get a bite to eat.

Raffles looked around all the equipment, the shed seemed to have everything except some kind of time tracker, like a clock or something.  Pretty daft for a time shed really.

Seamus tapped on the time shed skylight.  He had managed to get himself onto the roof and waved to Raffles “Ere lad, you need the clock for that, here catch this.”

And with that he threw the clock down to Raffles.

Neptune had got his senses back now and started to break the door with his teeth and claws.  He was having a monkey dinner if it was the last thing he did.

Raffles connected the clock to the computer, and the computer to the generator, and the generator to a bucket of water that they kept in case of fire.

Norman arrived on the roof of the shed with a length of rope.  They lowered it down into the Shed for Raffles to grab, the second he had to escape.

Raffles got the wiring connected and wound up Seamus’ alarm clock, setting it for 10,000 BC.

Neptune ripped the door half off, but he still couldn’t get it open, he could see the monkey in there, frantically working machines.

Seamus dangled the rope inside.  “Hurry up Raffles, or that thing is going to eat you.”

Raffles checked the controls and set the time shed to start in 15 seconds.  Then he made a break for it.
He grabbed the rope and pulled himself up.  Seamus and Norman heaved, trying to help him up.
Neptune finally broke the door down and burst, snarling into the Time Shed.  There was the little Monkey, trying to climb up a rope through the roof.

12 SECONDS

Raffles pulled himself up the rope, as Neptune pulled on one end.  The two other Monkeys pulled on the other end.

5 SECONDS

Seamus and Norman held the rope and pulled as hard as they could.  It was all Raffles could do to hang on never mind pull himself up.

The Time Shed began to flash and spark.  The computer began to bleep and the alarm clock ticked faster and faster.  The hands of the clock started to spin.

3 SECONDS

Neptune felt the air around him thicken and buzz, like before an electrical storm.  Something was coming.

2 SECONDS

Norman grabbed Raffles shoulder and pulled him up onto the roof, Seamus grabbed his legs

1 SECOND

“That’s it lads, jump for it!”  The three Monkeys jumped for their lives off the roof of Time Shed.

Neptune saw a flash and then everything went white.

SSSHHHHOOOOOOOOOMM!!

The three Monkeys landed on the grass as the Time Shed disappeared in a flash of light and smoke.

“Seamus?”

“Aye, I’m alright, you ok fella?”

“I’m fine, lad.  Raffles how are you?”

“I’m ok matey, think I have earned a cup of tea though.  Any sign of the ugly fishy thing?”

“No, it has gone, along with the Time Shed.”  Norman took a deep sigh.

There was only a patch of smoke and little grass fires where the shed had once stood.  And a little figure stood there.

Raffles rubbed the smoke from his eyes and took another look.

“Squeak?”

“El Greco?”

“Squeak, squeak?”

“Is that really you?”
“SQUEEEAK!”

El Greco hopped onto his master’s shoulder and gave him a little cuddle.  Even Norman was happy to see them together again.  El Greco coughed and choked on something.  Raffles put his fingers in and pulled out a tiny wriggling goldfish.

“Well here is the little devil now, back to normal size.”

The Monkeys laughed.  “Well I tell you, I ain’t gonna be touching fish for a while.”  Said Seamus.

“Or me.”  Said Raffles.  “In fact I am going straight from now on.  No more crime for me, ever.  I will be a good Monkey, promise.”

“Oh that’s good to hear, glad you learned your lesson.”

“Yeah… anyway why don’t I swap you all those fivers in your pocket for a fifteen pound note?”