Kamikaze

It's called Kamikaze because it's about a boy I knew I should not like and yet I liked him anyway and in short headed directly into my demise.

It wasn't the brightness of your gaze that filled my exsitence with this disturbance, but the dismal shadows of those spheres.  I'll hold your stare with as much ease as I can muster while submitting to the questioning heart of me.  I know this treachery; I have endured this plank before, and yet I refuse to relinquish my grasp on this pigment of desire.  My appetite is wet.  I con myeslf into believing I could disentangle myself and return to the destitute of the mundane.  I gush trepidation at my translucent posture and worry I reek of it.  It is exceedingly stimulating, sometimes I forget how much I crave it.

Reviews

[Collette]

This poem is a solid start to a great piece. I love the stream of conscious feel...it gives the reader and the speaker a sense of the frantic urgency. You've chosen some really good images to give the reader: i.e. walking the plank, and I really seemed to get a sense of the self-sacrafice movement!

Now, as far as revisions go, I only have a couple of suggestions. (Mind you, I am not an expert, and it is merely my opinion)
I think this might be an easier read if it were broken into stanzas. It was hard to pick out the transitioning parts of the piece, and it seemed somewhat distracting. The length of the lines could be shortened a bit as well.
Likewise, you have an immense vocabulary, and you flaunt it well within the poem. However, at some points all the flowery language seemed forced. As a reader, it took my mind away from the overall meaning of the poem, and I kept getting hung up on them. However, like I said, this is not my poem, and my opinion is not concrete.

You obviously have a lot of talent, and with a little revision, could develop your skills even more. Thank you for sharing!