Tease Mawray - Three Kings

Death of a friend, fall leaves, finding the right deal

You must have gotten the message, or you wouldn’t be here. It’s me, “number two”. It seems “number three”, Smelly Eddie died last week; I just found out myself. Rumors have it, he died of some sort of sweet grape and fish fart poisoning. It seems every orifice of his naked body was stuffed with something; hell, bet you can’t guess where they found the gold coins and the roasted pine nuts?

Best I can tell, he ingested something lethal while visiting a traveling circus, a gypsy road show of sorts, while looking for love. I was told the affair was on a back road (you know Eddie, he always just followed the signs), an inconspicuous dirt road he took while traveling to visit us.

I am told his body was found naked, partially buried under a pile of beautiful fall maple tree leaves; you know, reds, yellows, greens, browns; you know Eddie, he always liked the fall, a magical time of year for him, what a goofball.

The police seem to think he was caught up in some sort of ritual, some sort of bizarre “dance of the fall leaves giggle, giggle, slap, slap, yea mista” ritual. You know me, never wanting to pry, no big deal to me, but I thought you should know; just in case you were waiting for him to pull up in the driveway. Hell, I didn’t even know he was coming.

Anyway, going to his funeral for both of us, it will be short, as his wishes were to be shot into space with only enough fuel for a one-way trip; so if he woke, he couldn’t pull the big red lever accidentally and return to earth. Just so you know, long ago, I promised him, “there would be no “big red lever””, and in fact, after receiving his decomposed carcass, I would be using a pretty green and yellow enameled thirty gallon pitted black olive barrel, and a very large rubber band type apparatus, similar to a child’s sling shot to launch him. He laughed and called me a “kidder”.

Between you and I, I could hardly afford the sewn together used rubber semi-truck inner-tubes I was fortunate to find at a local junk yard; but even then, I didn’t elaborate for fear I would sadden him. As you may remember, he was the sensitive one between the three of us. Just thought you should know.

On a lighter note, I’ll be taking a sabbatical of sorts after the launch, assuming everything goes great. If not, I’ll just finish the fifth of Johnny Walker Red, and stew in my memories of our dear friend and how we fondly called him number three. If the apparatus fails, not to worry, I’ll clean up the mess; you can’t believe the sale on plastic trash bags I found at ‘Mr. Market” last Thursday.

In case you’re wondering, and everything goes well, I’ll be heading to Sally Bella Island off the coast of Bimini Newfoundland, a rare and remote island off the southern tip of Italy. The Italians call it “Yeafukeyounazi”. I didn't want to read too much into it, after all, I'm their guest in this enchanting part of the world. I’ll be gone for a few years, as I always wanted to learn native agate polishing and aboriginal bone drilling using primitive tools; the stones are prized here in Topeka, the bones are just for something to do between quick shots of “Bidgy-Bidgy”, an intoxicating exotic drink made from oyster milk. Watching them milk the oysters is a rare and sacred charm, little tiny fingers, it’s a kick. And besides, I need a break for a while, the grueling nuclear physics classes I’m taking here in Topeka have been wearing on me. I say, let them find someone else to blow things up; you know, I just hate being used. Ok, so have a great week, I’ll talk to you later, “number two”.

The Three Kings Numero Deux:

Hey, it’s me again; just keeping in touch.

Well, the launch went as expected. It was a beautiful California summer day, and after finding two tall and straight trees in Ganesha Park to tie the rubber truck tire inner-tubes to, I used the pickup to pull the inner-tube way back for launch; stretched the hell out of it!

Then I hooked the beautiful green and yellow black olive can to it with bend coat hangers; of course, our friend was on hoard (I poured his ashes in a cheesecloth bag and tied it up really good, dropped it in the can, sealed the lid, good to go!

The sun was shinning brightly, a slight south westerly wind, birds singing; and then it happened, I cut the tie strap! You should have been there! That shiny enameled green and yellow thirty gallon can shot towards the sun and kept going until it was out of sight! Sum-b***h, you should have seen it go! I hope our buddy made it!

Least I forget; in his will, Eddie requested “Huevo Dogs” in the space capsule; what was I to do? And unfortunately, the extra weight changed the orbital trajectory! The olive can with Eddie’s ashes in it, ended up over NORAD; and although only for a brief moment, it’s rapid plunge was enough to cause quite a stir between the Fighter Jet crowd; lots of sirens, running around and stuff.

Incidentally, I probably shouldn’t be mentioning this; and although I was sworn to secrecy, and as I understand it, the b******s used our little green and yellow thirty-gallon olive can in a high intensity, experimental jet fighter wing tip sidewinder rocket drill!

Well, that rush was short lived! It seems AFSVSCOMMG (Air Force Satellite Very Secret Communications Group), picked the can up on their radar! As luck would have it; not knowing what it was, they scrambled two F16-Blow everything out of the skies fighter jets; they quickly located our little green and yellow black olive thirty gallon coffin; fired two NBNS (Nasty B******s No See-um) high ordinance rockets at it, and KABOOM, our buddy was gone!

Update, good news, at least Eddie's dust is now part of our ionosphere; can you believe it! As we speak, his ashes are contributing to global warming, wow! That Eddie, always has to be the bright star!

Anyways, as you can see, they let me out. Made me promise, “no more launches” ha, ha.

Just me trying to keep in touch, all the best, number two.

Numero Trois:

Another note; you are probably curious as to how they found me in the first place. Well that’s a story in itself!

It appears a metal coffin “shard” that was left over from the rocket blasts was recovered by Seal Team nine from the bottom of the Marianas Trench; and to give you the short version, that particular piece of green and yellow black olive Eddie coffin can, had my fingerprint on it!

I have to tell you, being strapped to a nineteen forties metal bed spring, with number ten-gauge wires superglued to my genitals, cast a new light on the freedoms we enjoy here in America.

Just to be clear, and so you don’t worry, it was not until the third hour of questioning did, I mention your name, phone number, mailing address, and physical appearance. We’re home free!

Until next time, always good talking to you, you being a “King” and all; all the best, and good luck after receiving this note, on your marathon run, you always liked running, and you were always a great sport!

Keep the spirit alive, and never stop running!