Lessons in Etiquette

A simple story of no significance, just rambling to myself...

Lessons in Etiquette

 

   Not long ago, I encountered an interesting creature sitting in the middle of a narrow dirt road.

      I had no care in the world when I rounded the deep rutted curve of dirt, which could be better described as a wide path.

      I smiled to myself while thinking, that perhaps a trickster or jokester of lore named this dust,  'Pitney's Road' to bring a smile to travelers much like myself knowing we would be forced to 'attention' because the prankster knew all too well shallow bird baths filled with brown rainwater and sprained ankle ruts would cruelly strip us of our 'whimsy' 'no care in the world' attitude after a few miles.

      The Irish b*****d should be 'reamed'. 

      I'm sure if one were to sit in the tall grass at the precise time the 'stacks' let the workers out, this tiny, insignificant road would take on the appearance of a bicycle slalom teaming with daring factory workers negotiating the treacherous ruts and hairpin blind curves as they return to their waiting wives and warm stew. 

      As luck would have it, I possessed neither. While walking and basking in my mellow karma and daydream, I was interrupted by an obstacle on the road.

      Stripped from me was the scent of flower petals and sea air replaced with intermittent whiffs of odious disgusting fumes that instantly dizzied my mind and threw me into a foul mood of confusion!

       I was forced into contemplation and scrutiny by a tiny road creature!

      There squatting on the warm earth, not a care in the world, and apparent ignorance of my presence sat a vermin of the like I had never seen before.

      I felt slightly miffed, slighted in an obvious way. To take a person's 'grace, smile, perfumed roses, and natural sea air',  proper etiquette demands one offer up 'good reason' as payment for such a taking!

      My good nature hanging by threads, I surmised the tiny creature was not bothering anyone. After all, it was motionless, and 'heaven be still' may have in fact been dead.

        Compassion be upon me, and with the aid of my companion walking branch, I bent myself for a closer inspection; and upon doing so, the obvious 'flushed' me; for without a doubt, I was looking at its back.

      Not often do I laugh at myself, but this was special. Furthermore, I was relieved to find the waif was not ignoring me after all; the tiny gem simply didn't see me nor hear my soft gentleman's approach.  No harm done.

      However, short, tiny, and squat as it is, a person would have thought an inherent curiosity in their immediate surroundings, a more prudent approach to longevity.

      After all, a healthy curiosity about the world and its charms begets the onlooker many rare opportunities to display respect for much larger, more intelligent creatures like myself. 

      Also, that same insight would have allowed it to further its position in my graces by moving to one side of the road or the other!  One must set one's own self up for success. 

      To my displeasure, the tiny barricade has not witnessed my appearance, and therefore cannot bear witness to my obvious 'station'.

      Basking in the serenity of the morning sun and oblivious to my presence, the insolent does not see my closed lips giving evidence to my compassionate heart and relaxed pace. 

      Upon self-reflection, as gentlemen do, I have to admit, that I was insulted at the intentional manner it conveys indifference! 

      I have met many people with similar traits, but never so bold a creature or unerring display as this.  I shall make note of this instance for lively entertainment at dinner, one cannot be too careful, lest someone finds out and you had not the opportunity to defend your name first.

      I finally lowered myself to its' level.  While holding my head close to the ground, I stared at it a few moments and as customary, waited for some semblance of acknowledgment! 

      Moving closer, I noticed steam rising from the little fellow.  The sun has crested the cliffs and this morn is slightly warm, so either I made it mad or this creature has, like me, a warm and tender heart!  I chose to think the latter.

      Upon closer inspection, I also detected a degree of heat emanating from its small delicate torso. 

      To this day I don't know if it was my presence that enticed the creature, but after all, when addressed, and asked for a show of courtesy to step aside, its reply was a rude, disgusting odor that if not respected, would surely produce deadly consequences! 

      I staggered back on the heels of my boots, brought to the brink of foul and disgusting language, and damn near fell over!

      After that flagrant display of arrogance, and once again being summarily ignored; I fear this act of disdain gave rise to arrogance, a crass display of contempt!   

      This vile menace displays inferiority as if an asset!  Obnoxious behavior, and I, being in all manner a gentleman, must let it be! 

      All the while I was trying graciously to strike up dialog between species, I received an etiquette slap in the face! 

      The rancorous odor the creature was presently emitting was overpowering. My voice was somewhat muffled by my left hand and hanky as I covered my nostrils, I wondered, what the hell it was.

      All be it, my voice muffled, I pleaded with the whelp to surrender the road!  Again, to my disdain, still no reply!  To make things worse, the limited warmth of its manner had left its persona, and once again I felt personally rebuked!

      There was very little heat emanating from it now; coupled with its' indignant silence, I felt this insulting waif was implying my presence caused the riff!  To imply I lacked sufficient ranking to earn its favor was another slap! 

      I am not an aggressive person; however, the idea of this upstart feigning superiority over me, an obvious gentleman one hundred times its size and intellect is proving too much!  I am not physically aggressive, but dues should be paid before I'm treated that way! 

      Mind you, not because I can, but right is right and I will not put up with insult after silent insult!  This fool has shot volley after volley with its' silence, and all the while, without a retort of my own!  I thought, "I am bigger than this", slow down, don't play its game.  I told myself, you are the one in control of this situation, fear not!  After all, you are the intellectual here! 

      I could feel a childhood devilish smile growing from the corners of my lips as I silently whispered, I have it!  I will simply pick it up and move it out of the way!  After all, what can it do?  I see no weapons, what can happen? 

      Using my superior intellect, this small, impertinent creature will learn lessons in strength and etiquette today!  I will accomplish two things.  First, clear my path, and second, prove who the more genteel. 

      As an added bonus, this tiny creature will finally know who is really in charge!  I am a man of obvious breeding and temperament, and I have inherited responsibility and knowledge that refinement commands one to be careful with intellect and generous with patience and compassion! 

      A great responsibility comes with knowledge and grace and my breeding demands a conscious!  I reminded myself, that heraldry cannot be wielded like a sword; smiting the helpless and ignorant garners favor from no one. 

      And as in this case, one must also be careful not to alienate the subject of the lesson from the teacher.  Manners are paramount, one must use grace and compassion when teaching by example.  It is sometimes better to lose an argument with grace than to win by mediocrity and white knuckles!

      Insomuch, I took a large leaf off a nearby bush and ever-so-gently slid the massive leaf under the offending creature; all the while, smiling pleasingly so as not to offend. 

      I'm happy to say there wasn't a struggle and my act was worthy of an ovation.  

      As I whisked the small creature to the side of the path and gently set it down, I didn't gloat, I should have, but I didn't!  Instead, and in a consoling tone, I said "There, there, now that wasn't so bad, was it?  Why I expected a reply is beyond me, yet I swear the little fellow smiled! 

      Finally, acknowledgment, I became almost giddy!  I must be getting through! 

      For a moment, I thought inroads in civility had been made. 

      Moments later, however, my gracious intentions were soiled by the creature's instinctive defenses; the sheer intensity and release of its invisible rancorous odor permeated the breathable air around me! 

      My stomach started to convulse and I almost wet myself!  I pray this is simply some crude impulse defense mechanism.  Not physically harmful in any way, yet obnoxious and threatening to a gentleman's senses.  

    Again, with my hanky over my nostrils, and my stomach convulsing, puke was working its way up my esophagus!

      It was all I could do to remain erect and not drop to my knees and vomit!  The stench was overpowering!  A person with a weak stomach might have lost all composure!  I say, my years of breeding won through though and there was no public puking!  Constant training, and being the consummate gentleman, I had fought the urge and won!

      In addition, while moving the creature, I accidentally touched one of its' arms and came away with an odorous secretion which I quickly wiped off; however, the acidic bile had already permeated my skin and left a brown stain!  No physical pain was noticed, just a slight tingling, yet I feel the lingering, rancid odor will have to wear off! 

      I now understand why these soft, un-aggressive creatures have no natural enemies.  Alas, I feel it is I who has come out the better for this untactful confrontation.  I'm sure my point has been made, and I hope my efforts and well-intentioned lessons in etiquette help this docile little fellow to avoid future confrontations between it and other creatures living in the environment we share. 

      I feel good about taking the time to teach by example and not fly off the handle, or shoot from the knee, like some I know.

      I bask in the solace I have remained a genteel through the whole, unfortunate episode.  Who knows, the small creature may have been hurt, had a cur happened along instead of a gentleman like me, perhaps the beads and cross would have come out!

      Knowledge is 'key', and must be controlled by the bearer.  There is no excuse for bad manners, regardless of enticement or goading.  Again, I feel my obvious cultural superiority has prevailed; furthermore, I have represented my betters with exquisite grace, enough said.

   For lack of a better word, I will call this creature a "fresh pile of warm dog s**t". The End, Cheers.