The Sweet Relief

A girl has a horrible experience.

He had a gun
said 'come with me'
then had some fun
cried out in glee
as I in pain
just grit my teeth
waiting for
the sweet relief

I tried to run
he aimed at me
said 'I'll pull the trigger'
'I'll count to three'
I couldn't go back
jumped in the air
he decided to attack
thought to myself 'this isn't fair'

I lay on the ground
he smirked at me
'soon you'll be another mound'
'at the bottom of the sea'
I lay in a pool
of crimson regrets
as I slipped away
and into my death

Author's Note

I don't know if i like the flow, so r&r please.

Reviews

[roarke]

the flow is perfect. It's exactly what it is, and it's very good.
A pool of crimson regrets... indeed.

[Lettie]

This is a really stunning piece, that is really depressing all the same. It's like one of those sad songs, you love, but make you cry. There are no spelling errors, so good on that. I suck at grammar, so I can't be much help there, but one thing that really pops out at me is "as I slipped away and into my death." I would get rid of the 'and' in there making it "as I slipped away into my death." It can work either way, so your not wrong, I just thought it sounded better the other way. Also I would put in proper punctuation in there, so comas and periods should be place, otherwise it is really hard to read at first, since you don't know how long to pause or how dramatic to make it. That's just what I think, but it is beautifully written

[Sanantha]

beautifully haunting!

[Elliot Kyron]

This is a heartbreaking piece, especially the ending. "I lay in a pool
of crimson regrets
as I slipped away
and into my death" Of crimson regrets is just such a perfect line. I really enjoyed this poem. Thanks so much for sharing.