Music of the Earth

Written: 25th May 2017

She is the Wind. Wild, free and overwhelming when she surrounds. He, Water. Going down his destined ground.
You see why it's so immpossible? For, he knows his path. And winds don't have paths. She goes where the moment takes her. She can't be tamed. She can't be kept.

But the music of the Earth binds them. So, when she dances with the evening thunder, he tries to hold her. This magnetic music. It makes them long for a touch. This music. The hands meet. However nonsensical it may be but the water surrounds the wind in those moments.

Wind fits in his embrace. She fits and they click in like a piece of some puzzle. He looses his path for when he holds her nothing else exits. All he feels is she dancing in his arms.

And in his ecstasy he wants her. To caress her neck, tickle her back, make her squirm...send chills down her soul. And when she's vulnerable he pulls her closer. And then more so. Her face rests on his chest. And he holds her with all he has.

Even then, the day ends. Winds don't stand stagnant. She leaves..He stays. Both long, from far away.And then they wait. For another day.

Author's Note

Please review. Constructive critique much appreciated.

Reviews

[JPDonelan]

That was a nice little tale, sweet, yet not overlong. That said, there are a number of issues to note, many of which k has already touched upon, so I'll try to touch on what I believe I can readily offer feedback for.

In the two sentences "She is the Wind" and "He, (The) Water", you capitalize both "Wind" and "Water." Since you are not using these as proper nouns so much as metaphoric titles to attach two nameless entities to a stand-in for related to overarching metaphor, you should also capitalize (and, in instance of the second sentence, include) "the" in both sentences (resulting in "The Wind" and "The Water").

To piggyback off of what k said about some of your tense issues in this piece, particularly in regards to the seventh sentence in the first paragraph, there are a few things to note. The use of the conjunction "don't" is a little clunky, even if correct for "winds." Yet, the use of "winds," not just here but also in the last paragraph, would be better replaced with "The Wind" to keep consistent from the beginning. We are talking a single, specific wind in the piece, lets not get her sisters involved.
That said, the conjunction you are looking for in both sentence is "doesn't", birthed from the combination of "does not" as opposed to "do not."

You have one (two?) instances of the ellipsis. I'm going to agree with k on this one, though not as strongly. The ellipsis has its place, but in narrative it does not work quite as well as in dialogue (where it can be used to denote pauses or a trailing off). With few exceptions, an ellipsis in narration can be replaced with either stronger punctuation or different sentence construction. So, k's suggestions I must fully endorse.

Heck, I might even go so far as to borrow that metaphor consideration list myself.

Final thing I'll touch on, since you expressed interest in your response to k, is sentence fragments. In many cases, a sentence fragment could work if it relates to the complete sentence just prior, adding something to it. It can also work when a specific point is being repeated and, again, after such has already been done a couple times.
An example (borrowed from elsewhere, because I am drawing a blank): The April showers brought not only spring flowers but tornados. And devastation.

Hope this is helpful, and keep it up. Only by doing can one improve. And everyone has room to improve.

[k]

You've got a good start on something here. I like the concept, I think it's really intriguing. You have a nice tone throughout and your metaphors are, for the most part, pretty strong.

Some grammatical things to think about:

In your second sentence, I think you need to consider using the Oxford comma (i.e. "wild, free, and overwhelming"). Without it, the sentence is read differently and not necessarily in the way I think you intend it to be. On the subject of punctuation, I think you need to take a close look at all of your punctuation and make sure you're using it properly and effectively. There's some punctuation where it doesn't need to be and some places where it could really be effective but it's missing. For example, in your last paragraph you write "And then they wait. For another day." The period separating these two sentences is not only unnecessary and jarring, it's grammatically incorrect. It makes your final sentence a fragment, which isn't always the worst thing, but it doesn't really work here. One last punctuation remark: I recommend removing your ellipses from the penultimate paragraph ("make her squirm...send chills down her soul"). Ellipses are a really weak form of punctuation in my opinion and almost always can be replaced with something stronger and more effective. For this particular situation, I recommend replacing with a comma. You have another example of this in your final paragraph ("she leaves..he stays"). Here, I think you'd have much stronger writing if you replaced with a period ("She leaves. He stays.").

In a lot of sentences you have things worded so your tenses aren't agreeing or your subjects/verbs aren't agreeing. This can be fixed just by doing a closer reading and really focusing on grammar, not content or style. An example of this is, in your first paragraph, "Wind don't have paths". Your subject and verb don't agree, wind is singular and don't is plural.

Final grammar gripe: you have some sentence fragments that really don't work with the story. Occasionally, fragments can be used effectively but in this story they just seem like accidents. One example of this that was particularly jarring was "This magnetic music." in your second paragraph. That's not a sentence, and it doesn't really add any profound effect to the writing. So what about the magnetic music? Don't leave us hanging!

Other than grammatical gripes, I think your content is mostly pretty solid. You can strengthen your metaphors by considering the following:
What is the metaphor highlighting?
What is it hiding?
Who or what does it empower?
Who or what does it disempower?
If you can answer all of these questions, then it'll show in your writing and the metaphor will be that much stronger.

Let me know if you have any questions about any of this, hope it helps!

[Nema]

Hey K! Thank you for pointing out all the weak areas. I was a little occupied so couldn't work on it so far. But I've taken a note of everything you've put here. So I'll soon be editing it. I would love for you to review the edited piece. Also I do have a question about how to use fragments effectively?