Bruise On Sanity

So this was written two years back. Not a best piece of mine I'd say. But this all I had on phone so added it up.

Close my eyes and I see you.
These empty halls and rooms,
As I walk by the abandoned seats,
I miss you.

Look at those lovers.
They remind me of us.
Listen to the sound of love,
Just listen, Hush...

Your smile, your voice,
That heart so warm.
I long for it all,
Your wit and that weird charm!

Lost in these corridors,
When love rains down and pours.
I'm like a bruise on sanity,
What use is vanity!
When I don't have you anymore.

Author's Note

Honest reviews and ideas are welcome. This is my first time doing something like this. Will appreciate any improvement ideas or tips to get better at this. Thankyou.

Reviews

[k]

I think you have some really solid work here that could be amazing with a bit of revision. First, your final stanza is really strong, especially the last two lines. I would suggest on the last line using only one period rather than two. There's a lot more strength in a definitive end than there is in the unsure trail-off you've given us right now.

Another suggestion I have is read through the poem again and make sure you've punctuated properly. Especially between "I miss you" (stanza 1) and "Look at these lovers" (stanza 2). Right now, without a definitive breaking point between the two, they kind of run together and it gets a bit muddled.

A final thing to think about is your third stanza. It's definitely the weakest point of your poem. It doesn't seem to "fit" with the rest of the poem and it all seems kind of cliche and a bit corny.

Altogether, you have a strong base here. I hope this review helped, happy revising!

[Nema]

Hey. Thanks a ton! This was really helpful. I have a better picture in my head now . Will surely make some changes here. Please do review my other pieces too.
Love.

[Nema]

Hey I made a few changes. Mostly tried to work on the parts you pointed out. Do go through it and let me know how it looks now.

[k]

The only glaring problem I see left is the exclamation mark after "vanity". It makes a fragment out of your last line. "What use is vanity when I don't have you anymore" is all one thought/sentence, and breaking it up with punctuation really doesn't make sense. Other than that, it's looking good!

[Nema]

You feel I should replace it with a question mark? Or just leave it be.. without any punctuation?

[k]

After "vanity" there should be no punctuation, you should just let the line turn. After "anymore" a question mark would probably be better but you could get away with leaving it as a period as well.

[Nema]

Okay. This really helps. Thanks a lot. Again.

[OneAmongstMany]

There are some feelings here which you've articulated really beautifully. Poetry is all about evoking empathy for the reader, and you've certainly succeeded here. I enjoyed this, keep writing!

[NotaRabbit19]

This poem evoked a physical feeling of loneliness in me, the kind that feels like a stone has taken place of my heart. Good work.

[Nema]

fells great when ones work touches someone. thank you for your kind words.

[Justina]

The beginning of this poem would sound better if you started with "when i close my eyes" or "I close my eyes". It would make more sense. Otherwise i think this poem has true meaning to it and I think your an amazing poet. Keep working!!

[Nema]

Hey Justina! Thank you so much for your kind words. It really is a boost to my confidence :) I will surely see what I can do about the changes you suggested. Thank you!

[Avia]

Hi Nema. This is a good piece of writing. I just noticed that you could make some changes to it. Like in the first line, i feel like putting "I" close my eyes, "I" look at those lovers, makes the poem sound better. The absence of the I makes it seem like you are talking to someone next to you. If that's what you were going for then it's okay. In all, nice work.

[Nema]

Hi Avia! Thanks for the review. I've skipped the 'I' because there's a "my" in the first line which I feel does the work? I just thought it be a good idea to leave this to the readers imagination.
Does that sound okay? Also please do let me know of there's anything else that can be done to improve the poem. It's really helpful.