"I love you to the ends of the earth... Aryia"

Aryia and Leighton have a sad but Romantic moment. 💙

"Aryia lifts her head up to the ceiling allowing Leighton to rest his head on her shoulder. She feels his hot breath against her shoulder, she leans into the sensation. Leighton places quick kisses on her neck “Leighton… Not now..” Aryia whispers into the steamy night air. She feels his smile against her neck. He buries his head in her shoulder, feeling a wave of embarrassment wash over him “Aryia~” She hears his voice curl as he says her name. He wraps his arms around her, making her one with him. Leighton moves his lips up to her ear and whispers seductively “I want you…” Leighton pulls her back, now seeing her face “Leighton…” Aryia groans in a low voice at him. She watches his face turn into a pout, making her sigh. 

She caresses his cheek and watches him lean into her touch, she smiles ‘Cute..” Leighton watches her carefully, calculating her every move “If Ewan saw us he'd teleport me to the mortal realm..” Leighton laughs, giving Aryia a delicate smile. She continues to stroke his face and gives him a sad expression “You always say that...:” Leighton stares down at her, taking notice of her sadness. He places his thumb on her cheek and rubs it against her skin, Aryia looks up at him and sees his face. It's as if she were looking in a mirror. They stare into each other's eyes, enjoying each other's presence. His Golden-green eyes staring lovingly into her aquatic blue eyes. 

She sees his face coming closer to hers. She parts her lips, awaiting contact. His lips connect with hers, sending an electrical feeling through her blood. She moves her hands up to his soft snowy hair. Her fingers slide through his snowy locks, messing them up. He lifts his head up and looks at her. He impulsively moves his hand up to her golden locks and plays with one of her curls. He brings the curl up to his lips and kisses it, lifting his head and locking eyes with her he whispers to her with only the moonlight as a witness “I love you to the ends of Earth… Aryia”.

Author's Note

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/642888915536653170/ -- Picture used as the stories cover

Reviews

[NotUsinganymore]

Very cute loving poem, I liked it. It had a good flow and it had enough detail to devour.

[JayG]

• "Aryia lifts her head up to the ceiling allowing Leighton to rest his head on her shoulder.

Holy crap… She lifted her head all the way to the ceiling? It’s either a very low ceiling, or the girl has a removable head. And she had to do that to give Leighton room to put his head on her shoulder? The dude has a BIG head.

It’s not what you meant, of course, but it is precisely what you said. And given that you provide the reader with no context, and they must make do with what the words suggest to them, that is the meaning they must take.

You can’t say, “You know what I mean,” because the reader doesn’t. You can’t expect them to understand later, because unless the reader has context as-they-read, they stop reading, and there will be no “later.” In any case, there can be no second, first-impression.

• She feels his hot breath against her shoulder.

So...someone we know nothing about, so far as age, education, situation, or history, feels the breath of someone unknown male on her shoulder. Who is he? Why is he breathing on her? Where are we? What’s going on, and why? The reader has not a clue because you supply no context.

Why do I hit this so hard? Because the things I mention are the reasons any agent, editor, or potential reader in a book story would reject this for. And if they stop reading in the first paragraph…

Here’s the deal: You’re trying to make the writing more immediate for the reader by using present tense. But what percentage of the published books you’ve read are in present tense? Damn few, because it doesn’t work and doesn't sell. And, it changes nothing. The one talking to the reader isn’t in the story or on the scene. So no matter the tense they use, nothing changes. Here, you're using it like dusting with glitter, hoping to make it more attractive to the reader.

Were this line to have read, “She felt his hot breath against her shoulder,” The same person felt the same breath. Present it in future tense: “She will feel his hot breath against her shoulder,” and the same woman has the same experience. Change person to first, or even second person: “I feel his hot breath against my shoulder,” Or “I felt his hot breath against my shoulder,” And the same female still had the same experience, being talked about by an external observer, in a dispassionate voice. The problem isn't the tense or person, it's that this is a report, not a story, because it's written with the techniques of nonfiction.

The thing you miss is that as an external narrator, talking about events that are not happening as we read, but being reported, person and tense are an arbitrary and irrelevant authorial preference.

Bottom line: Like the vast majority of hopeful writers you practiced your school-day writing skills by turning in endless reports and essays, all nonfiction, and all focused on imparting information. But the goal of fiction? As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And not one of your teachers, over the time you spent in school explained, and trained you in how to do that because the techniques are part of the professional knowledge of the Fiction-Writing pro, and they were readying you for employment by giving a set of general skills that employers find useful, like nonfiction writing skills.

So, if your goal is to write fiction that a reader will find compelling, you need to pick up those skills. They offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction-Writing, and you have to figure that at least some of what’s taught is necessary.

So head for the library’s fiction-writing section and devour a few good books on the basics, because we leave our public education years no more ready to write readable fiction than to successfully perform an appendectomy.

You might want to hit an archive site for Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the selling Writer. It’s the best book I’ve found on the basics, and is available for reading or downloading, free. The address of one is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

I know this isn’t what you were hoping to see, but since we leave school not knowing that we are missing the necessary skills, and can’t fix the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you should, and might want to, know.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Nekoanamae]

I should have added this. The story is continuing on from one of my other stories and it`s from the past of the characters. It`s my bad for not adding that. Just to make it a little more easier for you, I will recap a little. Aryia and Leighton are/were lovers. Leighton went down to the mortal realm. Aryia stayed in the Gods Realm and she doesn`t know what happened to him at the moment. As well as everything I have stated, This is a Scene. And I know you were trying to help me but, I am still in school and am still learning! So please go easy on me..

[JayG]

• The story is continuing on from one of my other stories and it`s from the past of the characters.

Would change nothing. She still lifts her head all the way to the ceiling. And the techniques you're using are those we're all given in school: nonfiction. Use report-writing skills for fiction and it reads like a report, because it has to. We're not with the protagonist. Instead, someone not on the scene or in the story is talking about the protagonist in a dispassionate voice. Who wants second-hand information on a fictional character we've not been made to care about?

The only sense your characters use is hearing. They don't have any thoughts that we're aware of. They don't rephrase, analyze, hesitate, or do anything that real people do, because your focus is on the flow of events, and the viewpoint is the narrator's not the protagonist. In fact, you have no protagonist for the reader to identify with, just a narrator reporting and explaining, which means the reader will have no empathetic connection with the protagonist, and thus, no reason to care. And who reads a story about people they don't care about?

Bottom line: No one says you have to take my, or anyone else's advice—unless your goal is to provide the reader with what they expect—to be made to care by feeling as if they are living the story in real-time, as the protagonist.

As someone who has taught at workshops owned a manuscript critiquing service, and has more than a few novels in publication, I can tell you that the result of acquiring the necessary skills is worth the effort. But skip that and write with the schoolday writing skills, and you face the problem that the rejection rate in agent/publisher office is 99.9%, and that those rejections come because the reader will say no and turn away, quickly.

Have your computer's narrator program read your work aloud. It's an excellent editing tool, and catches a lot. But it also will give you an idea of what the reader hears in their head as they read.

[Nekoanamae]

I normally write for fun... I don`t care if people read it or not. I put it up on this website because I am proud of the work I have created. I don`t care if people have a connection with my characters.. Most of my stories are something I have felt in the past. Some of my stories are written to captivate an emotion I am feeling that I can`t explain. I write through characters because it helps with getting this off my chest.

I am not saying ALL of my stories are based on these facts. Some are just some stuff I had an idea on. In fact, All of my stories on here are drafts. I have experienced many different things throughout my childhood that most kids in my age group may not have or ever have to go through.

This story I wrote for fun. I have no intentions for improving the way I write. Many writers have different ways of writing. Mine is just from a different perspective. And Actually, I don`t want to be an Author when I am an Adult because it doesn`t appeal to me.

[JayG]

• I don`t care if people read it or not.

Naaa. If you didn't care if anyone reads it, nor cared is they did or did not enjoy it, you'd not either have posted it in a public forum, or, left the comments window open.

• I put it up on this website because I am proud of the work I have created.

Who isn't? But is it justified pride? You've taken no steps toward learning how fiction is written, and have rejected any help/suggestions in doing that.

Someone you don't know took time he didn't have to give you, to help you become a better writer—in this case a published writer—but your immediate response was to try to convince me that the problem was that I didn't have information you failed to provide, rather than taking steps to increase your skill. Blame the reader never works because clarity is your job.

But oif more importance, you made the mistake of equating a critique with a personal attack, and a lack of perfection with failure. That's always a mistake. I commented on this piece, as it stands today, not on you, your writing ability, or, your talent. I even gave you links to ways to improve. But still, you took it as personal criticism.

Give yourself the right to screw up, because we all do. We do it because we lack experience. And we get experience by screwing up.

The winner isn't the person who makes no mistakes because we all make mistakes. The winner is the one who will admit their mistakes, learn from them, and take steps to improve.

• Many writers have different ways of writing.

That is pure, 100% unadulterated horseshit. They offer degree programs in commercial fiction. Do you really believe that there's nothing necessary in what they're taught? Fiction-Writing is a profession, and not all that easy a profession to master.

Different writers use the tools of the profession in their own unique way. But they use the same tools, because they're necessary. Fail to use Motivation/Response Units, for example, and the viewpoint cannot be the protagonist's. But you never heard of them till I mentioned them.

No one told you that we must address three issues on entering any scene, quickly, so the reader always has context. But you don't know what the elements of a scene on the page are, or why they must be there. You don't know where to place the inciting incident, what the short-term scene-goal does, or something as basic as why a scene always ends in disaster for the protagonist. How in the pluperfect hells can you write a scene if you don't know what one is?

You can write in any way you care to, or course. And I'll not comment on them. It hurts me not at all if you change nothing in your approach, because I was giving suggestions, not orders.

But DON'T try to excuse writing that would be rejected before the end of the first sentence by claiming that you just have your own style. Why? Because like pretty much everyone who turns to writing fiction, you have zero knowledge of how to present fiction, and are using the report-writing skills of nonfiction.

You have lots of company, but ignorance isn't a virtue.

Since you're seeking validation and praise, I suggest you either not leave the comments window open in the future, or leave a note saying, "Praise only, please."