Surreal Neil Dream

I have very vivid dreams and I love randomness (and making up words to piss off pretentious writers) so here it is. I love comedy and absolute chaos but there must be a point to it.

Chris (employee from work) blocked off the walkway with boxes and trash which I had to backtrack through and I got pissed and yelled I was going to kick his a*s or fire him (yelled inside my head maybe). 

It was along the side of my old Stanford house, walkway along the kitchen side. The boxes and trash went all the way into my room and as I cleared it away I also replaced it too block others trying to follow me. 

Mike Fanthorpe (my older brother and sisters friend) briefly appears in my room with his micro dog, a black, short haired lab (?) that fit into my hand. He told me to watch it for a while although he didn't actually say anything. 

I really didn't want to as he was now a much larger, medium sized white dog with a piranhas mouth and teeth and kept trying to bite at me. I kept his mouth pried open with my hands until he got tired then transformed back into the micro dog.

A positive energy came over the micro dog and suddenly made me want to pet it. I did pet it, but was very nervous about it trying to bite me but the more I pet it, its face started to smile and wrinkle like the cutest dog you've ever seen, I think he even smiled. I let him fall asleep and turned to my computer, sitting only in my boxers.

I hear Mike or my brother call out for me and I struggle to see if I'm naked before I exit my room. As I get up, I notice my boxers have fallen off but are still wrapped around my left ankle. When I try to pull them up, a clear plastic package such as those multipack bottled waters come in was also being pulled up my leg and it completely engulfed my boxers and leg. 

Just before I opened  the door I made sure that the dog is still asleep because to try and find him in that big messy trail would be the death of him. I see he's asleep and open the door with flashback closeup images of the dog slightly awakening so I open it slower and quieter. A weird tarantula like spider with a Betty page pinup model face crawls towards the door. I look at it and just let it crawl past me as I notice it is dressed in full lingerie, red panties and corset with a fish net body suit and high heels on every leg.

I was now floor level and felt like I was just a head, no body as she, the tarantula, turned back to me to wink and smile at me as she continued on. 

I was full size again and had to go meet up with my family in my Dads motor home. I sat down to his left with him at the dinner table, seated across from him and to my left was the paranoid, mentally disturbed side of his soul that had been extracted by doctors so he could live a normal life. He still had to treat that part of his soul like a son that he gave birth to. The soul looked like a condensed version of my Dad, maybe about 3 feet tall and had a square, midget shaped body. 

As I sat there trying to talk to my Dad, the soul was maniacally crying and screaming uninterpretable things. I looked at the eyes of my Dad from beside him as he just watched his soul and looked as uncomfortable and annoyed as I had ever seen him, yet very heartbroken. My Dad looked so depressed and seemed as if he felt like crying as he rubbed his eyes hoping to blur this from his thoughts, vision and memories. He then "said" we have to leave and go to the party at some family members house and we, me, my Dad, his soul and wife all walked out together, me being last. 

It was nighttime and I noticed my Dad and his wife were far ahead of me, my Dad looking desperate as he was explaining something to his wife while rubbing his head. I felt strongly that he was planning on abandoning or killing the soul but for some reason it was if he, my Dad, knew the only way to do that was to commit suicide. I tried to catch up to them but they were gone, lost in the night. 

My brother in laws Mom, Shirley, appears with her grandson whom I've never met. She says she's going to the same party and would give me a ride. When we arrived there it was a house I'd never seen, plain white with wood trim, very triangular but most importantly of all, no one seemed to live there and no one was there. I was eager to see if my Dad made it as I was very worried about his mental state. I barged in the open door, stood and looked around the 70's brown decor, but still no one was there, not even any energy was felt in the air.

Suddenly the grandson starts pushing me in my lower back to move me so he could run around and play inside the house. I lightly pushed him on his shoulder away from me but of course he starts to fake cry. He tells Shirley I pushed him hard to the ground and Shirley says she's calling the police. I told her he was lying but she wouldn't believe me. I told the kid to tell the truth but he just sat there, holding his grandma, weeping. 

A car shows up and I think about running but it's a Mexican pizza man saying he has the pizza for the party downstairs with a huge smile although he was only holding one pizza, and from my dream state X-ray vision I can see its greasy pepperoni. As I try to say there is no one here, he "says" he knows where to go and opens a door towards the back wall, walks in and goes downstairs. 

I turn around to say something to Shirley but the cops are already there taking the report from the still weeping child. Two cops: the black cop, the Chief, looked a lot like Bernard Parks but with a pleasant smile, charisma and energy. The other was a tall white deputy who's face was always out of the frame from which I could see. 

The Chief smiles and looks at me and laughingly asks,

"Neil, hahaha, just when the hell are you going to stop making me come out to see you for these random cases? You're wasting my time." 

He was chuckling the whole time he said that and I sternly replied, 

"I've never met you, check my record, I haven't been in trouble in over a decade." 

Chief keeps chuckling, shaking his head and turns to Shirley,

"Shirley, you wanna hear a funny story about this here, Neil?" 

She laughs while holding her grandson who is still acting like he needs to cling to her. Chief continues,

"I was called in to a restroom at a bar where someone complained about a man puking in the urinal for a long time. That man was Neil, one arm holding himself up while the other one soaking wet in piss and puke still marinating inside the urinal. I tried to get him to stand up and as I did this he reaches for my belt, to grab my gun I assumed. I kept pushing his hand away but he just looked so ridiculous I couldn't help from laughing. I started to walk away when he shouts out, 

"Hey, cop? Guess I'm smarter than you after all." 

I, Neil, start laughing as suddenly I remember this happening before and I tell the Chief to finish the story. He laughs and continues, 

"Shirley, can you believe this young man, covered in piss and puke laying in a urinal, had the balls to steal my wallet from me, with no one else around when I was just trying to help him? He was waving it in the air like some drunk victory flag with the biggest smile on his face. He kept saying,

"No matter how drunk I am, I'm always one step ahead of you cops!" 

"And you know what, Shirley? I smiled at him and walked away laughing, it was just too funny." 

I interrupt, and glance at Shirley, the Chief, and the kid, 

"You see, I just did it to show him that I could've gotten his gun, despite being completely inebriated but instead, I just took this." I pulled out his wallet, which was actually a billfold and waved it around as everyone started laughing, especially the grandson.

The end.

Author's Note

I've never cared much about using the "right" words but I do care about grammar as far as punctuation and misspellings so please let me aware of all that.
Random: Do you like the Oxford comma or not?