INNER MONOLOGUE

an intense inner monologue.

My emotions and actions shouldn’t be based on the past, then again I shouldn’t be the one to adjust to a life style. Everyone is telling me to let go, they tell me that now is God’s present, and I should use every second of his gift, because there’s no way of knowing what’s going to happen tomorrow. I can’t . . .  I won’t, I’m too stuck in the past. The past flashing with colors of accusations, forcing me to the ground as you beat me for my tears, the blood shed of screams, of confusion and bitterness. I am known for my boldness and loyalty, the ability to think beyond the average minds destination of creativity and ambition, yet my imagination isn’t strong enough to envision his soothing voice. All I can hear is the rage and cruelty; at best he’s only shouting. Everyone keeps on telling me that I’m not listening, that it’s all forced in one ear and out the other, only keeping the words that help me point towards the fact that I’m the victim, I’m the one being accused . . . but I hear them, I hear them. My walls all crumble down letting that one thing escape that I can’t tolerate- emotion. The pressure, the words that you throw at me and stab me with, all escape and break down my walls, each dagger falling full speed impaling the weak fragile body of mine that once upon a time, once upon a damn mother f*****g time, was strong and confident. I’m at the point when the words of encouragement do nothing but frustrate me, annoy me; I don’t want to be here anymore. The nagging forcing its way through my trains of thought - I hear it, I hear the help that I should accept, but it’s wrong.

“You’re not alone,”
“He’s a man who is very complicated,”
“You are so talented,”
“You can do anything,”
“He loves you,”

It’s to the point that these words are nothing but a script, a paragraph on a page, memorized by those assigned to love me, designed to say these words when I show that I am upset, to show that I am vulnerable. I am aware that I am not alone, that is why I am alone, because the idea of being close to such a creature that has the same opportunities to think like me terrifies me. I know he’s complicated, that is why when I do something right, and when I do something wrong, I receive the same reaction as the other; disappointment, hatred, disgust. I know I am talented, because it is the only thing I have that keeps me going �" I know I can do anything because anything is possible. What I don’t know is that he loves me, because those are just damn words that everyone has to say. When I weep alone in the darkest corners of a room, and lie about the tears never making their arrival I know that that is not love, that is not caring, that is not being a father.

People see me and applaud, saying that I am on the path to success, many ask me what drives my determination; how am I meant to respond? Reality molds the world in such a way that I can’t answer in truth because no one will understand it when I give them the truth.
I want to be successful to prove him wrong, I want to be successful to screw him over, I want to be success to walk down the aisles knowing that he is looking at me through the church windows instead of intertwining his arm with mine as I walk down the path to a new family, I want to be successful to see the shock in his eyes when I stand on the pedestal of success, that’s what drives my determination.

I may be related to him, but he is not my father, he is the man who slept with my mother, he is the sperm donor, and nothing more.
I may be his child, but that doesn’t mean that I have to change to suit his vision of a perfection, the present is why I can’t live in it �" there’s too much. My emotions shouldn’t be based on the past, but the past is brighter than the present when it comes to his convenience - I’m doing the b*****d a favor. 
 

Author's Note

This is a sensitive piece that I hope you will all be able to connect to in one way or another, and give you some shivers, that was what I was going for.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Honest words and thoughts in the poem.
"I want to be successful to prove him wrong, I want to be successful to screw him over, I want to be success to walk down the aisles knowing that he is looking at me through the church windows instead of intertwining his arm with mine as I walk down the path to a new family, I want to be successful to see the shock in his eyes when I stand on the pedestal of success, that’s what drives my determination."
Sometime negative motivation is good motivation. Make us lock in on dreams and do great things. Revenge can be sweet. But knowing you done well is the true happiness needed. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote