Oh, Oh! Christmas Tree.

Here's my annual Christmas story. Enjoy!

 

            Jake stood on his snow-covered front lawn watching the sky while casting an eye to his cell phone. His wife pulled in to park their odd-looking, streamlined crossover HydroCar that emitted a hissing sigh as water dripped from its tailpipe. Tesla, the dog, jumped to his feet to greet Emily. To anyone asking, Jake remains steadfast that the dog’s name originated from the inventor, NOT the car.

            Emily got out of the weird car, “Jake. I just wanted to get some Christmas shopping done, but the car’s pressure warning light came on. I had to go way out of my way to the hydrogen station.” She bent over and petted Tesla before continuing. “Why can’t we have an EV like everyone else?”

            “Awww, EVs are so yesterday,” Jake said, scanning the sky.

            Emily gathered up some packages, then paused. “Are you waiting for a delivery again?”

            “Yep! Only way to shop�"have it delivered by air!”

            Emily groaned as she lugged the packages toward the house, while Jake checked his phone and then the sky.

            “Give me a hand?” She asked.

            “When my delivery lands�"in a minute or so, it’s getting close.”

            “So. What is it this time? I hope it doesn’t need assembly; remember the Ikea furniture? You didn’t follow the instructions and it’s never been right.”

            “That was furniture, this is better! Simpler! More exciting! It’ll make Christmas merry, bright and…great!”
            “You’re finally going to do decorations? Like the neighbors?”

            “Nah, animated lights are so yesterday. Wait, wait, here it comes. Ha! Hear it come.”

They heard a buzzing come closer and closer until they sighted a drone with a package dangling from it. Tesla got to his feet and started growling. Jake shushed the dog, craning his neck up while watching the drone at roof level drop the package. It deployed a little parachute and it drifted down, but as Jake went to get the package, Tesla grabbed it and shook it until pieces and paper scattered about on the snow.

            “NO! BAD DOG!” Jake said, “You could be replaced by a MechDog if you don’t behave.”

            Tesla dropped the biggest piece but ran around to the back of the house with something in his mouth.  Jake gathered the remaining pieces up, relieved that the important components were undamaged. The shredded instruction pages, including most of the Important Warning page, littered the yard.  

            Jake took his newest tech purchase, or what was left of it, into the house. He set his cell on a lopsided end table that leaned to one side. He eyed it with disdain. He examined the package, which only amounted to a silver-covered pouch; he turned it around and around, but it gave no secrets away on what to do with it. He pulled the handful of instruction shreds out of his pocket.

A shred of instructions which he managed to read, Caution: only use-gallon of warm, room temperature milk. A hole from Tesla’s tooth punched out how many gallons of milk. Jake thought it might be a one or a four. What the heck! More can’t be bad, right?  He jumped into the HydroCar and hissed off to the 7-11 to buy mass quantities of milk.

 Back at home, he wondered how he could warm up the milk. With a snicker he thought, would the project like some cookies with the warm milk? He went out to the garage to retrieve Tesla’s dog bathtub.

            Emily walked into the living room as he glugged, glugged the milk into the bathtub.

            “What on earth are you doing?” She looked at all the milk, then the silver pouch.

            “What is this some kind of building material like cement or resin or something?” She asked, looking at the shiny pouch. “But all that milk? Do you even know what you’re doing?” She asked eyeing the shreds of instructions.

            “Yes, building material, kind of, sort of, but I’m not going to say what exactly, yet. And yes, I know what I’m doing.” Adding under his breath, “I think.” 

He slid the milk-sloshing bathtub over the heat vent, grabbed his cell, as the table tipped back, and turned the thermostat up.

            Emily stood there trying to comprehend her husband. “Is this really something for Christmas?”

            “You betcha’. You’ll be amazed!”

            Emily sighed, looking a bit apprehensive. “I bet all right. But is it safe?”

            “Sure,” Jake unconvincingly said, picking up the pouch. He bent over the tub full of milk. Tesla trotted over and lapped up some milk. “No, Tesla. You can’t drink the milk.”

Jake felt the milk and deciding it was too cool he set the pouch down again. Jake waited a couple hours and felt the milk again. He thought it was still cool despite the downright hot temperatures in the house. Shrugging for his own gratification, he took the pouch, peered inside, and dumped the shiny, grainy contents into the tub. He gave it a stir; he held his breath bending over the milk, but Jake saw nothing; no change.

Expecting an immediate result, Jake strolled away defeated.

Emily busily wrapped presents, but she noticed Jake’s down turn.

“How’s your latest experiment going?” She asked.

“Not an experiment, but what was supposed to happen isn’t happening.”

            “Oh, that’s too bad. What was it anyway?”

            “I’ll tell you when nothing happens or you’ll find out if something happens.”

            “WHAT? Really? Not dangerous then?” Emily asked, unbelieving.

            “Nah, but then maybe we’ll never know, I suppose.”
            Later that evening, Jake took a look at his milk-filled tub. He thought that he saw movement, a slight swirling in the milk, but the longer he watched the more he thought that he was seeing things, that his imagination played tricks on him. Tesla came trotting over to look in the milk with a little, low growl.

            “NO Tesla, leave it.” The dog trotted away.

            Deflated, Jake and Emily went to bed.

            When the first rays of the low, cool winter sun streamed through the window, Jake sat bolt upright with a noise, like scratching, rasping coming from the bedroom door.

            Emily groggily asked, “What is it? What’s that noise?
            “Tesla, I guess got left out last night.”

            “Jake, Tesla’s right here.”

            “Then, what?”  Jake pivoted out of bed heading to the door. “Wild animals, rodents?”

            “Stop, don’t let them in here!” Emily said.

            Cautiously, Jake turned the doorknob to peek out. The door suddenly flew open with Jake being thrown backwards on his butt. Tesla went crazy barking and carrying on.

            A brushy gray/green mess intruded into the room. Emily screamed. Tesla barked. Jake swore. The brush kept coming at them which had blinding multi-colored eye-blinding lights shining at them.

            “What is that? Aliens!” Emily shouted over the rustling. “It kind of, looks like, a poorly fabricated highly faked imitation of a Christmas tree!”

            Jake stood there proudly with hands on his hips. “Look at that! The Nanobots made us a Christmas tree. A huge tree. Look at that beauty.”

            “Well, that Nanobot tree is coming at us and fast! How do we get out of its way?”

            Jake spun around thinking he needed clippers, or a hedge trimmer, or a machete or maybe, a chainsaw?

            “Let’s get out of here!” Emily shouted over the rustling and buzzing of the hard-working nanobots. “The window!”

            Jake ran over to the window and threw it open while eyeing the branches engulfing half the bedroom. Tesla continued to bark at the advancing branches while backing toward the wall.

            “Emily, go out on the roof.”

            “What about Tesla?” She asked, halfway out.

            “Here, take him,” Jake handed him through before escaping himself.

            Jake, Emily, and Tesla looked out over the edge of the roof. They saw the thick pseudo-pine branches had broken out below on the first floor, now extending out beyond the eaves all punctuated with blinding bright illumination. Jake reached down to check the branches. They felt like plastic and smelled like ozone and sour milk.

            “The branches are solid, climb down,” Jake said, then raised a hand. “No wait, I’ll go first.”

            Emily appeared uncertain as he started down. The branches sprang about but held him.

            “Help Tesla down,” Jake said, but the dog didn’t need convincing. Tesla just leaped off the roof into Jake’s arms who caught him with a “oomph” and set him down. The dog took off. Emily climbed down with Jake helping her toward the ground. They stood back to see the massive tree still extending, twisting, and entwining about out of the lower windows and soon out the bedroom window as well.

            “Where’s Tesla?” Emily asked, but the dog came racing around the corner with a shiny square object in his mouth.

            “Come here, boy.”

            Tesla sauntered up. Jake glanced at the object. On it he read, EMP. In case of out-of-control Nanobots, activate the EMP. Warning… Jake didn’t read the rest.  He saw a safety latch over a red button.

            “What’s that thing?”

            “Electro Magnetic Pulse generator.”  Jake said. He flipped up the safety and mashed the red button and…nothing happened.

            “Well?”

            “I don’t know, I expected a big phoom! Or an energy wave or something exciting like in the movies,” he said, gesturing with his arms.

            “Hey wait. It’s stopped growing, but look, it’s still all lit up even the big branch sticking out of the chimney.”

            “It must have tapped into the electrical of the house.”

            Emily looked around the neighborhood. “Oh, oh. Look all the neighbors’ lights are off.”

            “Maybe the Nanobots tapped into the neighborhood power grid. Oh, my cell phone got nuked from the EMP, but hey! We’re decorated for Christmas like no one else.”

            “You can say that again,” Emily glumly said. She looked at their brightly lit house with fake green branches and perked up. “The neighbors with those annoying animated lights, are so, so, yesterday.”

            Jake smiled at Emily and slid an arm round her waist. They kissed.

            “My super techguy got us all decorated for Christmas just in time…”

            “They can probably see our house from up in orbit,” Jake said, in awe taking in the glow.

            A pane of glass fell with a shattering and tinkling. The couple grinned and shrugged.

            “Merry Christmas!” they said in unison to the rest of their quiet, dark neighborhood.