How I Spent My Estivation

An odd twist on the classic "How I spent my Summer Vacation," with non-fiction, science fiction, and political satire genres all mixed together.

How I Spent My Estivation

                Back on my home planet after witnessing the Star of Clintonia rise above the Ruins of Vengazi and hearing the hair-raising Potential Plutocrat Trumpeter sound his horn of cautionary notice, this author earnestly prepared for what promised to be another laborious, unrelenting, and unrewarding typical summer or just another invariable monotonous estivation. 

This perilously arduous period began sometime after the vernal equinox here on the third planet in the Sol System when the accumulations of frozen crystalline precipitation had melted and Sol herself had risen higher in the celestial dome with every passing diurnal period. I lingered with breathless anticipation for a cosmic providence of many wonderful undertakings with spectacular outcomes.

                Verily, good intentions and great expectations would prove no aid in my projected efforts. Despite the higher angles of insolation, Sol’s warmth built rather unhurriedly throughout the vernal season delaying the essential sowing of the domestic herbaceous plot. Various adverse atmospheric conditions subsequently impeded said herbaceous growth and so the primary source of plant-based foodstuff began at a distinct delayed disadvantage. First, temperatures remained at unseasonably low levels during the long-established seedtime including two abnormally late subfreezing occurrences.  At postponed dates several attempts to insert vegetal encapsulated seed embryos into the meticulously prepared growing media resulted in failed germinations. Then, an atypical arid period followed further delaying seed germination and growth. At this point to avoid an embarrassing emotional outpouring, I venture off subject with a few facts regarding the origins of the third planet’s edible vegetation.

                On my wide-ranging travels, I have attained enlightenment that interplanetary visitors brought seeds with them as gifts to the third planet females which they seemed to favor over all other interplanetary female denizens. These visitors especially favored the southern hemisphere highlands where they befriended the peoples who would later become the Aztecs.  Ipsofacto, we note that the now common nutritious tomato and protein-rich quinoa were but two varieties of seeds the visitors shared in those ancient times, but the third-planet females truly adored the introduction of cacao which we know forms aphrodisiacal chocolate. Some eons after the visitors departed, those indigenous peoples, particularly the females, created huge displays on the Plains of Nazca hoping the visitors would once again return. From the clues that were indelibly etched on those arid plains, these visitors came from a planet revolving about the star Alpha Centauri, which we here on the third planet can see in the constellation Centaurus.  Temporarily relieved from my mental anguish, I return to my beleaguered herbaceous plot.

The short-lived arid period was soon rectified by mass quantities of liquid precipitation falling at frequent intervals.  The overabundance of precipitation did not fully terminate until the occurrence of a blue moon which, said author discovered, causes strange purchasing urges.

                So with that rare lunar excuse centrally affecting our minds, my espousal unit and I set upon a mission.  Due to no plausible remuneration or gratification from a particular major transportation manufacturer of a defective previously owned vehicle, and seeing we only had a planet-bound four-wheeled cargo-handling vehicle, we two human units decided to purchase an efficient internal combustion-powered passenger vehicle. I personally prefer the ion-powered anti-gravity pod I once drove on Romulus Delta, but the third planet has not quite reached that technological level. Researching various unused mass-produced vehicles via the worldwide advertisement display on the digital temporal-depleting appliance, we came to a decision and visited one of the enumerable unscrupulous transportation vendors in our region of the third planet. Finding a satisfactory vehicle in the color of the nocturnal celestial dome, we exchanged a slip of fibrous writing media symbolizing the significant requested monetary value and took custody of said vehicle. Since then, the third planet-bound vehicle has since proven efficient, reliable, and functionally compliant; however, we dearly miss our old interplanetary transport device so we turn to the two-wheeled Hyper Cycle for extreme exhilaration.

                Only operated when the macho urge strikes, the two-wheeled Hyper Cycle of renown is capable of reaching untold high rates of velocity that greatly exceed all state, county, and municipal mandated velocity restrictions. This told the sound and light barriers were not exceeded due to remarkable operator restraint thereby avoiding the associated turbulence to physical reality and the rise of ugly space/time continuum conundrums. Because of such untold restraint, said author/operator’s designation does not appear on patrolling officers’ of mandate SCMODS. Thus revealed, said Hyper Cycle was solely utilized for peaceful sorties to reputable feasting establishments and to observe fabulous third planet ground-level panoramic landscapes. I digress, so we now return to more mundane domestic estivation-period issues.      

                In the intervening period of temporal displacement, the number of dehydrated herbaceous food cubes had diminished somewhat due to the constant inclement atmospheric phenomena delaying the fabrication of additional cubes.  Parochially known as hay or fodder, a vast number of food cubes must be stockpiled for the voracious resident two and a half prodigious equine beasts. Beforehand said author had prepared the heavy duty wheeled towing conveyance specifically for the fabrication of dried herbaceous equine food cubes.  Additionally, four parasitic mechanical contrivances required for food cube fabrication were similarly prepared with liberal applications of liquid and congealed petroleum products and the utilization of acquired mechanical talents and innate magical abilities. These contrivances are the herbage shearing attachment, towed wheeled crushing device, cantilevered multi-fingered fodder arranger, and the most mysterious and complicated of the lot, the dried herbaceous cube fabricator. The entire process of utilizing these contrivances for food cube fabrication is rather cut and dried once said author/operator had become familiarized with the contrivances’ many idiosyncrasies.

                Aforementioned adverse atmospheric conditions delayed said food cube fabrication because three consecutive full-sol diurnal periods are required for sufficient and thorough solar dehydration of incised vegetation.  When a suitable period finally materialized utilizing the marginally intuitive digital meteorological guidance, I utilized the shearing contrivance to incise the vegetation from the vast growing media field.  Then, the horrendously clamorous crusher device with two heavy quickly spinning rollers crushed and tousled the prostrate vegetation.  At the proper dehydration point, the spinning fingered arranger gently redistributed the dehydrated vegetation into neatly mounded precisely organized queues. Finally, the ultimate, miraculous cube fabricator was removed from its secret holding bay.

Using this ancient alien technological contrivance requires the utmost courage, cunning and skill. In action, it is quite spectacular to behold with a multitude of gears whirring, heavy flywheels spinning, arms clanking, drive chains rattling, and mechanisms banging on a regular basis. Towing and powering this contrivance with the aforementioned wheeled towing conveyance, this cubing machine of a past great industrial age in order picks up the dehydrated vegetation with many rapid moving steel fingers to elevate it to a working height, augurs it aside with a great fearful-looking metal screw, shoves it into its hungry craw with an array of dangerous-appearing stabbing daggers, and with a great reciprocal forceful ramming action it finally packs the dehydrated vegetation into human-manageable cubes. These tidily compressed cubes are then retained by two enveloping fibrous strands. Amazingly, this machine has the inconceivable magical power to tie knots! So, using this archaic array of iron contrivances, my espousal unit and I fabricate about a thousand dehydrated vegetation fodder cubes necessary for the two and a half equine beasts to survive another round of season changes.

Overall, the stressful estivation progressed with minimum goals essential to achieve, though with a sense of relief, the harvest from the domestic herbaceous plot had at last proved bountiful and the equine beasts will eat heartily with the storage facility entirely full of food cubes. Now that Sirius had risen and the Canicular (Dog) Days are past here on the third planet, my invariable monotonous estivation wanes and the cold dormancy season approaches with the associated quietus, but in the meantime there remains a multitude of menial undertakings requiring said author’s attention. Similar to my waiting for the onset of estivation, I now anticipate enduring an invariable mind-numbing winter�"or perhaps not.  Options such as rocket-biking on exoplanet R381 that revolves about Upsilon Andromeda or exploring the fourth planet from Alpha Centauri with its’ familiar botany life would be a much more desirable manner to spend my winter.  

As the unrelenting advancement of temporal displacement marches forth, I ponder what unholy firestorm might develop when the Star of Clintonia faces off with the Plutocrat Trumpeter. This unlikely scenario is providing the dreaded Horrendous Emailus Boondoggle doesn’t develop into a black hole that swallows the Star whole or the Potential Plutocrat doesn’t expand by a gigantic unwieldy magnitude that explodes and annihilates his entire universe.

Maybe I’ll just stay put after all and watch what unfolds on this third planet in the Sol System.