Not Again

A Story by Regina Ndagire

..it is painful to love. It is equally painful not to love. So what do you choose..!

When Giannah heard the buzz of her phone, she rushed for it in a manner that not only surprised her but enraged her as well. It was like the behavior of teenagers whose phone vibrated in the presence of the parent who prohibited them from having mobile phones. It had more than startled her. What was that about! She scolded herself as she fumbled for the phone from her handbag.

It was a message, a text message from Maxwell. Hi… it read. She replied with the same.

He replied: “Coffee at The Lounge, 7 pm?”

She instinctively looked at the wall clock but didn’t see the time. She was rather carried away back in time. While at The Lounge Bar and Restaurant on what Giannah later learnt was meant to be a special date, Maxwell expressed his feelings for her.

“I love you.” It was almost a whisper as though he was speaking to himself.

Giannah choked on the sip that she was about to swallow. “Am sorry, what?”

“Giannah, what I meant was that…uhm…,” Maxwell carefully stated as he reached for her hand, “I am in love with you! I have feelings for you and I would like for us to start a relationship.”

“Maxwell, I cannot like you more than I already do.” She explained nervously quickly adding, “I am seeing someone.” She was actually shaking when Maxwell touched her hand.

“It’s okay Giannah. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s just that I kind of thought that you felt the same”

They were quiet for most of the evening and the days that followed. They practically avoided each other and unusually communicated reservedly.

But that was way back, close to three years or so. What now does he want from me? Her thoughts were racing continuously. Is he back to reassert his feelings for me? For us to start a relationship!

Actually, it is what she wished for. She wished she had been sincere with him or rather with herself. No doubt she had hurt him. She had never forgiven herself for lying to him when all she loved was him. She regretted every bit of it. And she vowed to tell him the truth. The whole truth! This was her second chance. It was then that she realized the time. It was after six in the evening.

She typed Okay and sent the message at once.

Then she practically jumped out of her seat and rushed out of office almost forgetting to lock. She gazed thoughtfully at her image in the glass door as she locked. She appeared taller in her knee length tightfitting grey dress and black three inch heels. She always left her hair hanging freely on the days when she woke up in ‘high spirits’ and this happened to be one of those days. Her hair was at full length hanging above her feminine shoulders. She passed her hands down the length of her body and remembered the days when she used to refer to herself as ‘Small G’ but no doubt she looked prettier now with much more prominent curves. You have to make things right, she spoke to her image. Then wore a smile and headed for the road.

Giannah had not been to The Lounge Bar and Restaurant since that fateful night. It looked more less the same though busier than she recalled. Not like cared. She was only here to see Maxwell and to make things right. That’s all that mattered. Nonetheless, the memories it harbored were still fresh in her mind. As an effort not to revive them, she concentrated on searching around for him. Their usual spot was occupied. In as much as she felt silly going about peeping in all corners, she felt the urge to. She was aware of people’s eyes following her but ignored them. Convinced that he wasn’t there, she turned to leave.

Across the road, at the far end of the parking lot opposite The Lounge was a man staring at her or rather in her direction. She practically run to him then stopped halfway of the first step and decided instead to walk, considering the high possibility of him not being Maxwell. She strode majestically towards him as if walking down a fashion runway. A car screeched and stopped right by her side but she continued moving without losing eye contact with her target. The mumblings of the reckless driver, in her opinion, were like noise from a far �" too far to be comprehended. She thought she saw the angle of his mouth twitch from trying to avoid laughing at what had just happened.

At a closer view, all doubt was gone. It was Maxwell. She could tell from his sense of style. She was certain that he was taller �" by an inch to be exact! But not even her stiletto heel could make her as tall. The weight gain was more obvious. He was clad in a navy blue blazer and a pair of black jeans. The buttons of the blazer were unfastened to expose the creamy T-shirt underneath. Leaning against the silver Mark II, he stood with both his hands in their respective pockets and his left leg crossed over the right. He had his head tilted to the right with a face blank of expression. He had the captivating look of magazine-cover-page-pictures. She physically struggled not to be distracted by his looks.

When she was almost directly in front of him, Giannah felt her armpits dampen. She was familiar with that feeling. She begged her emotions not to betray her. Not now. Something about him aroused all sorts of feelings within her. But now she was sure about what it was �" she loved him. And she was more than determined to tell him exactly that.

She deliberately stopped at arms distance from him and extended her hand for a handshake. Neither she nor he believed the seriousness of the look on her face. It bore lots of resemblance to those occasions when she met business clients for the first time. He cunningly grabbed her by the hand, crashed her to his rock-hard chest and held her there. Immediately, her premeditated attitude renounced her. She lay still in his arms more like a helpless captive in the hands of their captor. For a moment her heart was the only motile part: it was racing simultaneously with her breath, almost competing. He adjusted himself bringing their bodies to full length alignment.

‘G, it’s me! It’s me, Maxwell,’ he whispered wishing he could help her relax. She felt significantly embarrassed from her obvious anxiety.

He raised his head without breaching the contact of their bodies. It was becoming darker and there were no lights save for the dimming moonlight. But she could make of the features of his face. He tucked her hair at the back of her ears exposing the extent of her face. Then he cautiously explored it with the tips of his fingers winding up at her swollen lips. The thought of his lips on hers was unbearable. She was yearning to taste them. She smiled her approval which he either didn’t notice or deliberately ignored. The latter was so like him. Maxwell’s eyes instead moved on to her succulent bosom. She decided to let go of him but instead her body arched in on him. It was as if that was all the response he had been waiting for. He reciprocated with a shove of his unmistakably aroused manhood against her groin. His lips hungrily took in hers. It felt so natural kissing him back. Before she could match his pace, his tongue dived deeper. Each face was buried in the other. His hands were now exploring her curves. They seemed so familiar with their expedition. Everything felt so rushed and timely at the same time. She wanted him more, and more at every step. He certainly felt the same. He fumbled for the car’s doorknob for them to finish what they started in the safety of his car. Then they both heard a sound, they were too engaged to know whose groan it was. It wasn’t them: it was a hoot. It hooted continuously before they remembered where they were. Someone needed to drive out of the parking lot and they had blocked off the exit. They rushed into the car and drove off instead.

He had no particular destination in mind but none of them seemed to care as long as they were driving side by side. They talked about everything and anything. It felt like the old times. Nothing had changed. Maxwell had all along been staring at Giannah, sensually. She too felt caressed by his looks. She couldn’t stop blushing. He was definitely observing the obvious effect that he was having on her.

“Giannah, about the other night, I really meant every word that I said. Why don’t you give me a chance with you?” Maxwell said each sentence considerately while watching the road. It was more than looking where he was heading. It was as if he was watching out for something. “You can walk out on me anytime I screw up.”

She looked where his eyes were still fixed pondering what she had just heard. She couldn’t believe her ears. Was this really her second chance! There was only one logical explanation, as soon as it occurred to her, she verbalized it. It was almost like spitting it. “You’re not married!” It was half sentence, half question.

Maxwell instinctively moved his eyes from the road to her and back to the tarmac. “Are you?” He sounded calm, afraid, worried, and angry. All at once! He pulled over to the side of the road.

Not knowing how to respond, Giannah focused her attention on the road. She could hear the loud pounding of her heart. She glanced at her chest. The beating was as visible as it was audible.

“G p-l-e-a-s-e, answer me.”

Giannah concentrated on the tarmac ignoring the desperation in his voice. She wanted to tell him that she loved him and only him and that she lied when she said she was in a relationship. That she cried into her pillow about him since that night. That she waited desperately for this moment. That it is him she would want to marry. And then she opened her mouth…

When she spoke her voice was calm though with a ting of tears. “I am engaged.” She swallowed down a lump in her throat.

It was like a blow for Maxwell. He felt hurt, disappointed. He had never stopped wondering why she turned him down then, despite the obvious feelings that she had for him. Or why she said she had a boyfriend when actually she didn’t. He could not hold back the disappointment. Not again.

“Giannah, I know you love me. You loved me even back then. What did I do wrong? Why do you shun me? We almost made out earlier in the middle of the parking lot! You knew you were almost married and you didn’t care to stop! What should I make of that? Are you hiding something?”

She was feeling guilty of everything he was saying. Tears welled up in her eyes. She had lied to him again. She wondered why it was so easy for her to lie to him even when it hurt the most. How is it that she could tell him everything but not what she felt! Why couldn’t she let him know how she felt but lie?

Why did she have to lie in the first place?

She started to say something but her voice was choked. “I am....er…” she let that pass. “Maxwell, I am sorry.”

She dashed out of the car bursting into audible sobs.

“Giannah…,” he called after her, but she was already gone.

© Regina Reggie 2018