Short Poem: Asunder

Started the poem while watching a show about the possibility of parallel universes. Was supposed to about two people sleeping, in parallel worlds that collide I guess.

Asunder

Fleeting sheets

And separated heartbeats

Collide in time

Tempestuously embraced.

 

And as they meet in brief

Pulled apart in haste

Imprints still remain

On the others arm. 

Reviews

[Encantado]

"DO NOT GET MAD AT ME" !! Just trying to add something... you can delete it... If you don't like it.

Fleeting sheets
And separated heartbeats
Collide in time
Tempestuously embraced.

"my words your lines"
in the nightly chimes
the souls embrace
of the two fleeting hearts.

though they never mate
dreams a dozen embroil
thoughts a ton amalgamate
as the two universes skate.

Clasping the memoir of other
they mirror love of a mother
in time they met
in time they cleft

though they never spoke
only the subconscious whispered
and the unconscious heard
the universes understood.

And as they meet in brief
Pulled apart in haste
Imprints still remain
On the others arm.

[naznaz]

Hi! In response to your message and review:

I don’t see why I should be mad, in fact you're constructive and it’s much appreciated!

I agree with your message, I have a strange habit on focusing on the start and the end rather than the middle, which comparatively is hollow and hence non-existent as with this poem and even others.

Additionally, if I try to bulk things up, I end up writing way too much (It’s just strange). I know I do these things and I’m trying to work on it, thank you for bringing it up however.

For ‘Asunder’, I had written a middle section and I don’t think it ended with the present last verse, but I guess in the end I felt that those words were very weak and disruptive. (From what I remember it was something to do with feeling someone’s hair on the back of your neck – and trying to push it away thinking it’s your own - so forth)

I think your addition to the poem is very beautiful (that seems to be the only word I can I think of thats adequate). I love ‘though they never spoke, only the subconscious whispered, and the unconscious heard; the universes understood’ it’s really… well beautiful. Slightly envious I did not think of it!

Thus I refuse your permission to delete it!

All in all: I will attempt to try fill the void in my poems, I may go back to them when I feel it’s possible and try to sort it out!
Thank you very much for your advice
-and the brilliant addition!

[Encantado]

And yea actually I forgot to mention. Don't take my word for it. Infact this is the second poem I have written in my life. I usually write letters about existentialism and love. Though I have written lots of apology propose b'day etc letters for my friends.

[Trevor Jay Bloodworth]

Tempestuously. I did not even KNOW that was a word. Easily the highlight of the poem. I get the meaning and I like the wording.