Only Fear Can Lead To Courage

Fear can lead you to courage,

So don’t fear the fear, it’ll make you strong,

Face it upfront, let it come,

Because, in the end the battle is yours.

It had been my long desire to go out alone, all by myself and explore a whole new world. In an Indian set up this is quite unreasonable to ask for, for there are hundreds of fears that restrict such desires to even ignite let alone burn like a flame. So was it never going to happen, maybe no, fate landed me in a situation where I had the chance to break free, and face the world all alone.

It was freezing January and I had to go to Delhi for a conference, my first, I had been to Delhi many a times before so it was nothing unusual, I had my travel and stay organized by the organizers of the workshop, but as it had to be, my mother couldn’t let me walk the one km distance from my hotel to the venue, she had her fears, fear every mother is bound to develop for his/her child, but when its “her” I guess the fear just takes the shape of an anaphylactic reaction, and it’s not restricted to the Indian or Asian setting, this fear is universal, I sometimes myself fear it, it has become a part of life, we don’t acquire it, we inherit it, maybe a few generations down the line, girls would be born with it, an inherited germ line mutation. The fact that I called it a mutation signifies the much denied truth, that it is something “not normal”, it is the product of a mutated society, drilling in the minds of young females, why young, toddlers maybe new borns, the fear of sexual molestation.

I was hence remanded in the custody of my grandmother who lived almost 20 km away from the venue, albeit I had the travel exclusively arranged by my relatives out there, it somehow did not work, and I had the option of crying like a small kid, so that someone else somehow takes the responsibility and pains of dropping me safe and sound. I decided to take this an opportunity to fulfill my doomed  desire, I decided that I’d travel the distance alone, after all it was my event and it was my duty to reach there, no one accompanies you into the void; we all are born alone, and are to die alone, we all need support, guidance in life but not dependence. Why we make our girls crippled, as if they need a hand to hold every now and then, why cage them, suffocate them! It’s not the mankind that needs to flourish but it’s the fairer sex who shall continue the race, nature has made man depend on a woman for his survival not the contraire which is the philosophy of our society.

So I took the local bus from the nearest bus stop, reached the venue, attended the workshop and came back via the same bus or sometimes another one with a different route. Simple isn’t it? I thought exactly the same, but we all know it’s easy said than done, since I had never ever experienced fear, fear of travelling alone as a woman, I never thought of any extreme possibility, not for once did I think of being raped or molested, all I thought was eve teasing and those classic stares (mind you, it has nothing to do with what you wear, in a burkha or a party dress, any type of outfit possible you’d always get a chance to experience this!).

I was waiting at the bus stop around 8 in the morning, trying to act ignorant to all those testosterone driven stares and focusing on the bus numbers, after a 15 min wait which seemed like an hour, a delhi govt bus arrived, bright red almost orange (Red!!, shouting danger!) packed with people, I thought where do I go? How the hell am I going to even stand, forget a seat! But I was already late and there weren’t many options, so I decided to take the plunge, as I stepped in (mind it, even stepping in was like fighting a battle with hundreds of torsos, as I could hardly see their faces, thanks to my height!) I got drowned in a sea of people, it was like a lost myself, I was pushed to right then left then back and then someone almost knocked me down. Halfway I found myself back, I stood up, for the first time I saw the faces of people who were playing ping pong ball with me, mostly men with occasional female findings. There was something special about the kind of women I encountered during the bus journey, most of them or for that matter all of them were either well built, big and tall or if there was someone like me, she was accompanied by a male, who stood beside her like the guardian of her spirit. For a few minutes I was lost in observing the kind of people travelling in the bus, then suddenly I had a feeling of nausea and then the endangered emetic reflex, thankfully the contents didn’t project out (though now I feel if it would have maybe I would have earned a seat or at least a decent space to stand), to my dismay these people (all older than me) stopped for a second or two and then continued coughing and sneezing on me. I accepted this as the ignorant self centered Delhi attitude, and then suddenly the conductor shouted Safdarjung!! Safdarjung!! , my stop! My stop! I shouted, my voice only to be muffled by the masculine tones in the background, then a hand stretched out towards me, impulsively I gripped it and it pulled me, tearing across the sea of testosterone charged humans. When I came out of what seemed hell, I found it was a girl, off white kurta with jeans and her beautiful pink scarf ( I loved her scarf it had small mirrors on it, reflecting people off!, I believe :P) she held a fast track side bag tightly clutched to herself, Thank you! You came like an angel and I gave her the most genuine smile, I would have given anyone in my life, and she smiled back, a sense of warmth radiated from her, as I hurried down the bus, I turned back to look at her, maybe to say goodbye but she was nowhere to be seen maybe she vanished back into the wilderness of the bus. As I was walking by, a sense of pride radiated through me, doing something which is a routine for men in Delhi and yes women too! albeit small in number.

Now I had to take the ride back home it was 6 in the evening and I knew I would reach back till 7/7:30. Then I saw a comparatively empty bus, it had some empty seats, though it was a private bus, I gave in to the temptation of a comfortable ride and hopped in the bus. There were 2 empty seats in the left row, I sat towards the window side, as the bus rolled on, a middle aged man got on the bus, sighting the empty seat next to me, he sat and then he took out his bag hanging on his right shoulder and placed it next to me in between, I wanted to laugh out loud, but controlled somehow, he was so shy to sit beside me, almost the entire journey he kept changing postures while I enjoyed my the flight of a caged bird, suddenly I noticed a peculiar looking man with dirty jagged teeth staring wide at me, I gave him a cold look, my eyes questioning his behavior, then I wondered aankhein hain dekhne do kya pta itni sunder ladki na kabhi dekhi ho!...and started a humming a tune rejoicing the journey, inhaling courage and exhaling out all my fears, the bus stopped at the bus stop near my grandma’s house, and yes! it was time to leave, I stepped down the bus, my taste buds activated as I saw a street food market, it was lit up like a wedding ground, and then my tummy made those strange noises, so I knew I had to try out something here, street food has always been my favourite, it is the place where food evolves, cuisine develops, inventions happen, and if you are a true Indian, street food is your “ghar ke khane ka” escape. So I wandered along the stalls, suddenly I found my favourite egg roll stall so I stopped by and ordered one double egg roll, I grasped my egg roll in delight and cherished its first bite, savory…….the taste flooded my mouth and masked all my senses. I started walking away from the stall towards a juice stall when I noticed the guy who stood by the egg roll stall suddenly following me, his steps hovering over me, his shadow chasing mine, he kept following me. I thought, maybe he also wants to go by this way or maybe I’m over thinking , but he didn’t seem to stop, when I reached the juice stall, he stopped and asked for a glass of juice, I looked at him as if questioning, are you stalking me? What do you want?. He took his juice and started staring at me, that was the time my worst fear struck me, I had no idea what to do and what not to, who to call, whether to shout or run, an array of thoughts flooded my mind, I started to think about all possible outcomes of such a situation, his stare piercing me, fear of the unknown gripped me, an adrenaline rush pushed me to run, run away from the situation but I held myself back. The chain of thoughts was broken by the juice stall vendor as he said, “madam koi juice try karlo, gajjar ka naya aaya hai”, “haan gajjar dedo ek glass” came my quick reply, delighted he started preparing it, but the man kept standing there, he had long ago finished his juice, my fears grew, the vendor handed over the glass to me, I was trying my best not to let my hands tremble, as I held the glass with both my hands I realized they were soaked in sweat, thank god! the sweat was not dribbling down. I finished my juice at once and headed back, I realized I hadn’t finished my egg roll, as I took another bite of the cold but still savory egg roll I looked back, the man was nowhere to be seen, thank God! Now I can concentrate on my egg roll!! The taste of the egg roll once again flooded my mouth and masked by senses.

What I learnt was the fear, once I came face to face with that fear, had a head on collision with it, I developed the courage to face it.

For only fear can lead to courage!