On the Villainies of Corn: A Comedic Monologue

A short comedic monologue about someone ranting to a corn field about how evil it is.

On the Villainies, Cruelties, and Savageries of American Sweet Corn (Zea mays saccharata)

Hearken to me, you most unhallowed and vile knaves! For though you may have the entire world deceived, know that I comprehend your true depravity! Though all may call you American Sweet Corn (Zea mays saccharata) I know what your true name is: and that name is evil! I have seen beyond the mists of time and witnessed every last one of your malfeasances. I know that you ignoble fiends shall be responsible for the greatest villainies, cruelties, and savageries upon mankind. It is now mine to know that you shall answer at the throne of God for all the woes of humanity which you shall afflict us. When the gates of hell open and the ten-thousand tenebrous tendrils of wicked maize tear through our roofs and our souls, it is mine to know that the devils which rejoice upon the broken will be you, Sweet Corn. You may think you have made fools out of us all, and deliver us with a million malevolent mockeries, but I see past your lies. When all humanity is under the fire of endless kernels they will cry out, “Alas! Woe to us that we had heeded not the words of the wise, and handsome, prophet who warned us of the true nature of Sweet Corn!" And although you, iniquitous Sweet Corn, may think you are victorious just because you have us all conquered under your billion-fold brutal baseness, you would be thinking wrong. I will be the real winner, because it will turn out that I was right all along. So what if no one else believes me, I still win because I was the smartest. So take that, Sweet Corn. No matter what you do, I win! Huzzah, to me! 

Really, no response still? Fine then, have it your way. I am simply going to have to come back to this field everyday until you finally admit that I was right. Mark me not lightly, Sweet Corn, I will be back. Goodnight, Iowa, thanks for nothing. 

Author's Note

As this is a monologue it is intended to be spoken rather than merely read. Critiques on how to improve its sound would be especially appreciated.