Behind The Front Of God

Ok to the readers of this particular story please let me assure you that I am NOT anti-religious in anyway and I hope that I haven't offended anyone

                I thought I was a religious person. Now I doubt it. In fact no I don’t merely doubt that I am not one. I know that I am not a religious person. Now, I believe I was merely the child of two religious people. I do not see the glory of a church. I feel no sense of wonder when I enter one. All I feel is the retreat of a suffocating mass of hypocrisy and control as I walk out of them.

My parents were blind, not physically of course, they were both opticians. Now, I think how ironic it is that my parents, who allowed other people to see with their eyes, they never managed to open the eyes of their own minds.

They looked at the church and saw a beacon of hope and righteousness. A haven for those who loved God. For those who thought that the best way to live was to grovel in the dirt in prayer. For those who thought that human kind deserved to be cast out of paradise because a girl ate fruit from the wrong tree.

It was sad. Before the dream I…think…I believed what my parents believed. However, I was always aware of questions about God that I had but I always knew that they were the wrong questions to ask. When most kids ask their parents things about religion they usually go for things like. “Does God know when I’m good and bad?”

Most kids didn’t ask questions such as. “If God loves us, then why did the church slaughter all those people years ago?” Questions like that were not widely welcomed. And even more rarely were they ever answered, or at least answered with any sense of satisfaction. Responses to such questions were usually something like. “Don’t worry about those things. Those were things in the bad old days.” Apparently, the bad old days didn’t have a God to tell them not to do it. They must have relied on good old fashioned humanity to take up the torches and allow the burning of the blasphemers and heretics to begin.

All these beliefs thoughts, questions and…distaste for religion came in a night. In one single night and in a single dream. One extremely vivid dream. One extremely vivid and disturbing dream. One that answered all my questions and one that made me depressed, not for myself, but for all those who hadn’t had the dream or perhaps had it and merely said it was nothing but a dream.

Before I tell you about my dream I must assure you. I believe in God. Really I do. Shocking isn’t it, after that little chat about my childhood and my clearly anti-religious views? But no, it is indeed true. I believe that the universe was created by an intelligent being. I also believe that the universe is run by an intelligent being. I have trouble believing this particular planet is run by intelligent beings, divine or otherwise, but that’s for when we have another controversial discussion. What I don’t believe in is religion. Oh I know it exists. Things that are the cause of wars and countless deaths are easy to believe exist. No, the thing I don’t believe about religion is, well, everything else. Well perhaps my dream can explain it better then my own words can.

Well it started, as dreams do, with me being asleep. This was no day-dream. I was asleep. It was dark. I heard a moan. I was overcome with a feeling of despair and loneliness. Then I dreamt.

Hear me child…please…be one of the few…to hear my true voice

At first I was walking through a palace. It was magnificent. There was no roof. In fact the walls and pillars of this mosaic fairyland building stretched into sky and became obscured by a thick mist that became cloud and then it wasn’t even cloud. It was just a brilliant light. Not light by a sun. Light more like from a flash of lightning. Not yellow, just white.

Bricks and mortar child…they don’t exist here…nothing does except…that which…you place…here.

I didn’t know where I was walking to. All I know is that I was walking through what appeared to be a corridor. On one side was a series of stained glass windows, each one depicting numerous saints. Glowing golden halo’s resting a few inches above their heads. Each one with eyes towards the heavens and a blank look of awe on their faces.

Good men…but misguided…my shell has been built…through centuries, but…they, they built the…foundations.

And on the other side something else. Portraits of birds, bulls and other fierce and powerful creatures; all golden and each with blazing eyes; each one looking more impressive then the last. Each one radiating an almost palpable sense of power. And, the last picture was…strange. It was that of an old man wearing a toga. Like the other pictures it seemed to radiate power and the old man was indeed an impressive specimen of age. Well built. And with the eyes of a much younger man but with the glint deep within them that bespoke of a man with a great deal more experience. In fact the only thing that distinguished him as an old man was a full white beard that flowed to the ground. Something that would have looked comical in a film looked oddly dignified one this old man.

The shape…of my…latest shell…the current chain…in an infinite…link.

Realization dawned upon me or perhaps unto me would be a better word to describe it. I knew that the person in the portrait, as well as the animals in the others, were one and the same being or at least an interpretation of what that being was. I was stunned to say the least. For if this dream was not in fact a dream - and who that dreams believes that the dream is a dream when they are experiencing it? - Then the being before me in the portraits was all of mans interpretation of God.

Am I in heaven? I wondered.

You are between…planes…you are in…the place…I…observe…the universe.

Am I dead?

You are where…the dead pass…though…whether you are…dead…remains…to be…seen.

What do I do now?

Keep open…your eyes…lest you…give in…to… your fears.

My questions were being answered although I did not know how. The information was just appearing in my head.

And…keep open…your mind.

The walls faded. They went from stone to a thin mist and then even that faded into nothing leaving nothing but a brilliant light. And then the mist returned as did the stone but it was no longer a corridor but what seemed like a room of incredible beauty and light. It put me in mind of a church. No not just a church the church. With arches and towers and spires with rows and rows of pews. And now I realized it was the church. It was God’s own church where he presided over his flock. The millions of dead Christians, and with space for the billions of Christians yet to come, did God build this? I wondered.

No…you did.

Strangely I felt not at peace, as a member of my faith perhaps should do, in this place I felt intimidated, fearful. I wanted to leave. I felt like I had walked into somewhere that I was not supposed to be. Somewhere perhaps I was never meant to be. I felt like I had walked into a dragon’s lair and that the dragon was all too aware of my presence.

It comes.

BOW.

The voice hit me like a hammer then washed over me like water. Suffocating me and covering my body from head to toe and sending a shiver down my spine along with a trickle of fear.

“Who’s there?” I asked, dread turning into a ball of lead in my stomach. From the brilliant light descended a figure. The same being I had seen in the last portrait in the corridor. A man, giant in size and petrifying in presence, stood before me. If the portrait of him had power then it was nothing, nothing, compared to the almost overwhelming energy that emanated from the actual figure. When he spoke it was in a voice that could turn mountains to shards. Make the seas boil and cause stars to explode.

I AM THE ANSWERER OF PRAYS. THE HEART OF RELIGION. THE START OF AND END OF TIME. THE CREATOR AND THE DESTROYER. BOW!

I found my knees start to bend.

Don’t listen…he lies…he misleads…he makes you fear…him…please see…past the…face.

My legs became my own again and I stood straight, almost defiantly. I stared into his eyes. His eyes looked back but somehow would not meet my gaze.

“What is your name?”

MANY! I HAVE MANY NAMES. YOU KNOW ME AS GOD.

He…is ignorant…of what he is…he is not God…look closely and…you…will see…that he…is fear…his eyes…look at his eyes!

 YOU HAVE NOT DONE AS I HAVE ASKED. EVEN IN LIFE YOU NEVER BELIEVED. NEVER MADE PRAYER TO ME THAT YOUR PARENTS NEVER FORCED. NOT ONCE DID YOU WORSHIP ME WITH ALL YOU HEART. NEVER BELIEVED IN ME WITH ALL YOUR HEART. WHEN YOU ENTERED MY HOUSES, EVEN THIS ONE, YOU WANT NOTHING MORE THAT TO LEAVE. YOU HAVE BEEN LAX IN YOUR DUTIES. YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN ME THE RESPECT I DESERVE!

Pride…Anger.

BUT I AM MERCIFUL. BOW TO ME NOW AND ASK FOR ABSOLUTION AND IT WILL BE GRANTED AND YOU SHALL TAKE YOUR PLACE BY MY SIDE IN PARADISE. CONTINUE WITH THIS DISRESPECTFUL MANNOR AND BE CAST FROM MY GOOD GRACE INTO HELL!

Vengeance…LOOK PAST HIM.

And suddenly I understood. Became aware of what was before me. I became aware of what was speaking to me.

“No.” I spoke almost below a whisper but it carried and although I knew with absolute certainty that what I had said was right I still could not ignore the thought that I had just said something incredibly wrong.

WHAT!

The old man shot out an arm and pointed at me, a look of anger in his face, but with eyes that continued to refuse to meet mine.

“I am good. I have harmed no one through my life. I have not stolen, nor taken a love that was not mine. I have committed no sin that deserves hell. So why should an all great altruistic god, of pure goodness, need to hear an apology? And why should you need to hear a plea for forgiveness?” I raised my own arm and pointed a trembling finger at the being that claimed to be God “Perhaps I have not been a good follower but I would rather be a good man then a good follower,” and with that I took a step forward.

CEASE!

There more anger and power in his voice now then ever, I even hesitated slightly when I heard it.

He can do nothing to you now, look him in the eyes, believe not in him, but in yourself.

I could hear the voice now. There were no more gaps between words and I could hear unmistakable relief in his voice.

I caught the beings eye and held it, then looked past it.

“You can’t do anything. You aren’t the creator. You are just his shell.” The being vanished. The building turned to smoke and dissolved, and even the light faded to darkness.

“I know you are there whatever you are. I know you are there.”

Yes, I am here.

“Please tell me. What are you?”

I was the creator but now I am just a prisoner.

“Imprisoned in your shell?” I asked.

Yes.

“But I have released you.” I insisted.

You have but you have only released me to your mind.

“What do you mean? The shell has gone, the building has gone, the…image of you has gone.”

It was never there. I told you where we are there is no bricks and mortar. There is nothing here that you don’t put here. Do you even think that the darkness in front of your eyes is “real”?. However, in this case the things that were there were put there by others. You have removed them. You have a strong will indeed.

“Where are we?”

We are in your mind. We are in the part of your mind that most humans do not know about until it is their time.

“Do you mean I am dying? Or am I dead?”

You are dying but in a manner of speaking so is everyone else. That is not what bothers you though, is it?

“No, everybody dies, but…am I dying right now?”

Again you are dying but you have time. You have not come to the end of your time yet.

“Are you God?”

I am something that connects everybody. I might be God I might not be, that is not for you to know. However what I can tell you is that the old thoughts in your brain that you saw before. That was no God. I can also tell you, whether I am God or not, I am part of you. I am part of every mind in existence and not just that I am in everything too. I am energy in all forms. If that makes me God in your mind then I am God. In your mind that is all that matters.

“But…in other peoples mind your…shell…is god, isn’t it?”

Yes and if that thought gives them comfort then they should keep it, even if you or even I disagree with it, it is not our place take it away from them. Even if I could remove it from every mind I wouldn’t. People need to believe in justice. People need to believe that bad people go to hell and that good people go to heaven. That those that cause pain get their comeuppance and that those who help people get rewarded. People even need to believe that God actually has a shape, whether that shape is a bull, a bird or an old man. If they think that they need forgiveness for everything then that is what they should ask for but so that you know, I have never needed people to ask for my forgiveness for their sins only that they forgive themselves. If they believe that whatever acts they have committed needs no forgiveness then they really don’t need to get it.

“But doesn’t that mean that the people who do terrible things, things that they believe are fair and good, don’t have to fear divine retribution? Are you saying that if they don’t personally think they need forgiveness they don’t need to get it?”

It is a tricky one isn’t it? But people that cause pain. That do things that the majority of the world would consider evil or wrong rarely go to there death with a clear conscience. Those few that do are nothing short of insane.

“What happens to them that go to their deaths with a troubled conscience?”

They ask for forgiveness.

“Do they get it?”

Depends how sincerely they ask, after all it is themselves that they are trying to convince.

“And if it’s not sincere enough?”

They keep asking. At the end of eventually comes sincerity, and after sincerity comes forgiveness.

I nodded. “What now?”

That is you choice.

“So I’m not dead?”

You are where the dead come. You’re at the part of your mind that the dead come to before they die but few come here without dying. You might just be sleeping soundly. You will come here again one day or you can skip all that if you wish. It’s your choice.

“I don’t think I’m ready yet for whatever happens.”

That is something not many people have much choice about. However, au Revoir young man, until we speak again.

With that I awoke. Sweat drenched in my own bed, pale and cold. My dream had ended so had what little was left of my faith.

Perhaps after hearing my dream you shall have one of your own but bare this advice in mind. There are no bricks and mortar in your dreams; only that which you put there and a liar will rarely look you in the eye.

Reviews

[Bubo]

"Imprisoned in your shell?" I asked

Yes

"But I have released you" I insisted

You have, but you have only released me, to your mind

Amazing story, great insight and poses so many questions ...........believing in God as I do I agreed with many strong points............I do think if you ask for forgiveness and it is sincere, you will be forgiven..........
But the idea of God trapped in a shell was amazing..........and in some ways disturbing.

I have never needed people to ask for my forgiveness for their sins, only that they forgive themselves, and if they believe that whatever acts they have committed needs no forgiveness then they really don't need to get it

I really enjoyed your thoughts, the quest, and then questions, battling evil, and finally coming to a
conclusion. One thing God gave man was CHOICE, and sadly many many choices have been unwise, free spirit crushed in many........and ravages of war, starvation, and death something maybe God did not forsee when giving choices...............
Thank you for sharing such an indepth very intelligent read.

[Emily B]

There are no bricks and mortars in our dreams. But sometimes answers, if we ask the right questions. . . truly an interesting read. Thank you for sharing us.

[Hannah Erickson]

It's interesting that he did say something in French because my "translator" as I call her (in my dreams) also speaks to me in French sometimes and though I don't always understand the words, I know their meaning. I think I'm captured by this writing because it reflects so closely my own beliefs- a rarity not only in our society but unfortunately in the world. I'm very grateful for this submition.

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lol, great story, I loved how you invisioned every detail in the story, I also enjoyed at the end where "God" said Au Revoir, lol, I had no idea that he was part French!

[Jenny Davis]

This is fantastic, Nathan. There are many theories that the Bible and all of its stories were created by and early government looking to control the people...I am open minded enough to ponder that notion, yet I have deep faith for God...but in my own way. I dislike organized religion, I choose what to believe. Your dream could be made into a movie, it is so interesting and leaves a lot to think about...write on :)