The First Cut

    Luke stared, it was true, he thought to himself. All of it true.

    Sarah said something else, but he couldn’t quite make it out. He was too busy listening to the sound of her voice to work out what she was saying.

    She had come in to get something for her sister, and like most of his friends, she hadn’t known he worked there. He tried to keep it to himself. It was a popular shop and although he liked seeing his friends, he didn’t want to be there all day talking to them when he was supposed to be working. Not just that but he could tell that plenty of them might ask him to get what they want with his discount. It didn’t bother him too much, but he didn’t want to be seen buying too much with his discount in his first month of working there.

    Of course he knew he would see his friends there eventually. He already had seen the faces of one or two of his friends open in shock as he walked up to them and asked if they needed any assistance. He knew he shouldn’t, but the temptation to see the look of shock on their faces was too much to pass up. And this day, she walked in. 

    He had liked her before, years ago, but since then he had been out with more then a few girls, and had thought that those old feelings had left, or at least buried so deep that he wouldn’t notice them again.

    They had been friends for years, grown up together practically as kids, he had always kind of liked her, in an unthinking kind of way. They had been pretty close…or at least as close as any pre-teen girl and boy can be without anything more happening. And then came puberty, and he started to notice more things about her. The way her hair moved in the wind, the sound her voice, a certain look in her eyes, I kind of peacefulness about them. As if she hadn’t a worry in the world. They were the eyes of a person in complete contentment. Intelligent eyes. Eye’s that made you feel as if they were reading words, you couldn’t even see, and made you wonder just how much the mind behind them understood about not just the world, but about you also.

    The first thing that flooded his mind and overruled his senses was the need to impress, that need was there before she had even spoken to him, or indeed noticed he was there. He didn’t even notice the feeling himself at first.

    She was talking on the phone. It was her sisters birthday, and he overheard that she was looking for this book for her, Eldest : by Christopher Paolini. He tapped her on the shoulder and smiled the now familiar look of shock on her face that Luke had seen on so many of his friends faces, as she looked round and saw him standing there wearing the company’s uniform, with a name badge. She had smiled then. Those eyes still betraying slight shock. She waved her free hand slightly in greeting. As she spoke on the phone, he indicated with his finger to follow him, and took her straight to a rather large pile of the book that she wanted.

    “Thanks, Luke,” she said after a quick goodbye to who she was talking to on the phone, and putting it in her pocket. And picking up one of the books leaving an noticeably empty space on the pile. “I didn’t know you worked here,”

    “Not many people do,” he said, he had only told a couple of his close friends when he got the job.

    He hadn’t considered Sarah a close friend since he had humiliated himself to her. He had been a young stupid kid, and after watching too many films about love and happiness, he had told her how he had felt about her. He had thought it was love, maybe it had been. It was certainly, what he had told her it was. But now he wasn’t so sure, still the damage had been done. Their friendship had never been the same since. They were civil to each other whenever they saw each other, nothing more can be said then that, and it was his fault, all his fault.

    Now, however those feeling were rising in him, unwanted, yet persistent to be heard. At once, he wanted rid of them, but also he wouldn’t have erased them, anymore then he would have ripped of his own arm.

    “How long you been here?” she asked, looking in his eyes. That was another thing about her. She could have won international starring contests, Luke could have stared into them for an age.

    No Luke, he told himself. A few weeks, he told her.

    “I’m looking for something else you might have, I don’t think it that well known,” she said a bit uncertain.

    “What is it?” he asked, he suddenly became aware of his heart in his chest. It was beating harder then he had ever known it to. How could she not hear it, even over the dim of the other shoppers, it threatened to deafen Sarah’s voice.

    “Something called…wait a minute, I have it written here somewhere,” she started to dig through her purse. “Ah, here it is, it’s called Thraxas at the races : By Martin Scott,” Luke frowned, he hadn’t heard of it, he was silently cursing himself, how could he not have heard of it! He knew books better then anyone else!

    “Is it not on the shelf under S?” he suggested, cursing himself again. How condescending could he be! She merely shook her head, and Luke noticed once more, how her hair moved, his legs, turned to jelly. She started talking about her brother, and what kind of books he wanted.

    It was true, he thought to himself. All of it true. He had heard, a million times before, how an infatuation hit you like a train. You notice things, about her, the sound of her voice, the way she carries herself, her looks, her skin, her lips, her smile and a thousand other things, to subtle for your consciousness to pick up on. You become aware of your own heart, you fully appreciate for the first time, that small pumping thing, in the middle of your chest. That thing you wondered about, and how you found it hard to believe that something like that could keep you alive. And now you notice it and appreciate it for the incredible thing it is. Then you become aware of your own breathe, and how difficult you find it to keep it going. And then, like in all those cheesy old films that your grandparents watch. Your legs give up. Your knees begin to lose a fight, you never even realised you were having, and you no longer trust them to carry you across the floor. And those are just the things you notice, you don’t see how red your face goes, and you know she has noticed, and that does nothing for your nerves.

    “Just come round here, I’ll check on the computer for you,” said Luke, and was slightly surprised when he didn’t collapse because of his legs. How could he be getting these feelings again? Although he admitted to himself, this was probably the longest they had been talking together without someone else there…since then.

    He typed the name into the computer, and found that he was close to praying that the book was there. And he didn’t know what to do when it blinked up:

 

Thraxas At The Races : Scott, Martin......1

 

    They had one in stock. Usually this would be a straight forward look for it, which would inevitably result in nothing being found, give up then just order it in. Trying to find a book, of which they only have one copy of in a shop this size was close to impossible. That was if it was even here. If it hadn’t been lost, or stolen or thrown away. The tills at the counter kept a record of which books had been bought so that the bosses could keep a record of what they needed to order, but that wouldn’t help much if it had been lost or stolen. And he had to find it, had to! He knew nothing would happen if he found it, and he certainly knew she wasn’t going to jump into his arms in gratitude for finding it for her. But he just knew he had to find it. In desperation he looked at the date it had last been delivered…today…today’s date. He could have jumped in the air. That meant it was probably round the back somewhere, he frowned again, deliveries were regular, and large, he excused himself to look round the back, and almost felt his heart stop at the sight of the piles upon piles of books that lay before him.

    It was impossible, but he had to look. Even if he failed finding it, he still had to try. He dived in, looking at books, and barely reading the covers. He looked read enough to dismiss, as one he didn’t want, but no more then that. A couple of times his heart lifted at the thought that he had seen it, but it hadn’t been. He asked around but no one had noticed it, he hadn’t expected them to. He could have screamed in his frustration. Then he saw it.

    It took a couple of seconds to realise what it was but, it was unmistakable. Against all probability, he had found it at the bottom of a short stack! He was triumphant, he even laughed aloud, to the general concern of those nearby, and he practically crashed through the door to give Sarah the good news.

    “Here it is, sorry it took so long it’s mayhem round there,” Sarah smiled.

    “Thanks Luke,” she eyed the queue for the tills “where do I queue, to pay?”

    “Don’t be daft, Sarah,” he said waving his hand as if she was being foolish to think she had to queue, “come round to this till,” he said indicating a till that wasn’t being used.

    He quickly signed on the till, and started putting her books through the scanner, all the time, thinking about these feelings. Buried for so long, thought to have been banished long ago, now back, feeling stronger then ever. They spoke as he put her books in a bag, all the time she smiled, laughed. And he started noticing other things about her.

    Her body, while not perfect was…he found it hard to describe, while not perfect, he couldn’t imagine a better one. She was practically brimming with confidence, which seemed to make all imperfections, perfect. They added character to her body. They in no way diminished her figure, instead, they made her look even more attractive. She could look more attractive in baggy, comfortable clothes then, any supermodel in a skimpy bikini.

    “Your coming round my sisters for a drink tonight aren’t you, Luke?” she asked as he handed her, her change.

    “Tonight…erm…yeah, might do,” he said. He was still friends with her sister.

    “Ok, see you tonight then,” with one last smile she walked out the shop, Luke never took his eyes off her until she rounded a corner and was gone.

    Luke walked around in a kind of daze, his heart had returned to its usual beat, and he no longer felt that he was going to collapse due to weak legs, and lack of oxygen. He didn’t know what to feel. He had always thought he understood about his feelings for Sarah. That she was just an old crush that he had gotten over, apparently however he had been wrong about that, it was deeper then that. He knew she felt nothing for him, probably not even as a friend, they hadn’t spoke much for so long. They were more, friends of friends, or people that they used to know, now. Nothing more then passing acquaintances, and now, he felt empty, emptier by far then he had done in years. As if the feelings he had felt a moment before had left him hollow. The thought of seeing her again, made his heart raise, but with it came a terrible fear, as if he could never be ready to face her. In his head, he tried to think of an excuse, why he couldn’t go round to his friends and have a drink for her birthday.  

Reviews

[Cara D.]

Once again, a precious story about love. I was playing with the idea too, of two old friends meeting after years, one withholding feelings. You did a great job with it. :)

[Nicole (Carpe Diem)]

great piece of writing - it held my attention and left me wanting more

[TL Boehm]

well done. I love the way you described his 'enamouredness' with her...seeing all the things he saw, very real, very relatable. haveyou continued with the story?

[Syd]

im seriously trying to not be jealous right now. i liked it though.

[Kevin D Lieby II]

Don't worry about that girl reading it. Just tell her that every story is at least a little autobiographical, but that, when you wrote it, you weren't conciously thinking of anyone to base the female character on.
As a person who spends more time at school and in libraries than I do at home, I've debated getting a job in a bookstore. Now I'm thinking about it from a new perspective.
Having a short like this shift my perspective like that is unusual. It means that the author has provided information that I haven't applied to the issue before, expressed a viewpoint clearly, persuaded me that I need to consider the point and entertained me long enough that I finished reading the story.
Overall? Perceptive, fun and introspective- A good read.