pointing north

further north

Invisible lines pointing north
Holding a heart
A thousand times beaten and forgotten

Marched threw empty streets
Blood soaked from
Nights filled with
Just holding on to
One weak pulse
One shallow breath

Glances that would never stare back
Always just a reminder of what the heart wanted
What the empty street really spoke of

She is building a ship
To sail
Building an alley
Just a part of your heart…

Reviews

[alan peter kelly]

there are so many endearing turns of phrase here...the images are pronounced as clear as a ringing bell...a delicate / memorable write...

[Sweet_pale_cacophony]

Glances that would never stare back
Always just a reminder of what the heart wanted
What the empty street really spoke of

She is building a ship
To sail
Building an alley
Just a part of your heart…
I loved that stanza ...:) utterly...
you have a very original voice and one can only look forward with an eagerness as mine at the moment to every piece you write..cause they are just so nice.

[The Flawed]

Very deep and great imagery,
Well done

[Samuel Ferris]

nice poem, "building an alley", small typo. i think its a great technique to not use punctuation, but im not sure if this poem calls for it. I think the syntactic twist:
"Nights filled with
Just holding on to "
might be more pronounced or affective if its separated by a dash or somethin.

Also, i feel that the abstractness of the poem is never quite solidified, you have motivic images, like the empty streets, but im never quite sure how they fit in the whole. What are the lines, whos beating and forgetting the heart.

I like the images and the diction, but i think some more concrete language could be used. I fall victim to this in my own poems, sometimes forgetting that the meaning is far more clear to me than the people reading it for the first time.

On the first read, i think you should be hooked, and every fact of the poem should be clear,
on the hundreth read you should get the wisdom of the poem.

Overall compelling write, with a solid poetic idea.

[miSS LEaf]

i felt like peeking thru a hole reading this :D, a very intimate write
( waves at Jenn :) )
~L

[Nathan HUelsbeck]

dam thanks Jennie. they would be nothing with out the inspiration.

[jenniewren (J.W. Bouwma..]

ohhh nathan.. nath this is gorgeous. your images in this are striking and so well-formed, but then.. that's what you do *smiles* incredible