The undeliverable letter�

Thoughts, just thoughts ....

 

 

Another day, another heart breaking argument. She aimlessly ran to her car, with the now, fading screams following her as she slammed the door behind her. Spinning away, desperately trying to out run everything that hurts. This life, her life, as she has come to know it, is now becoming too much for her. Years ago, she made peace with the fact that this isn’t going to get any better. Unwillingly accepted her fate, after all this was her choice to begin with.

Yet today on this darkened night, she has had enough. Driving faster and faster, almost losing control a couple of times. Her tears burning like acid, clouding her vision behind this tinted windows. Her mind is running wild. She is trying to find a solution. Some answer that would suit everyone else, except her!

Deeper and deeper into the darkened night she went, until she found a place where she knew nobody would find her any time soon. She came to a sudden halt.
‘Yes, this will do’, she sadly thought.
On top of a deserted hill on the outskirts of the city, she got out, took a deep breath, taking it all in as if it was her very last one. The sweetness of crisp winter’s air filling her lungs and for a brief moment, she felt free. The wind playfully blew through her frail blonde hair and her emerald eyes, now blood shot from all the crying. She looked up. The evening sky was clear and she could see all the millions of stars, shining down on her.

She smiled, tasting the saltiness of her uncontrollable tears.
‘Star bright’, she thought.
‘First star I see tonight, you are most probably the only one that understands this fight’ For a love that has gone, does not hurt nearly as much as a love that will never be. A long time ago, I made peace with the fact that I am going to be stuck in this loveless relationship but now unexpectedly, I want more!

She turned around, got back into the safe confinements of her car. Everything is so quiet, she feared. This silence brings back the reality of what she was planning to do. She broke the silence by quickly switching on the radio, searching through her cd’s for an appropriate song. One that would suit her mental state right now.
‘Ah, this will do’, she thought as she put it in while turning up the volume.
The deathly chants filled the car. She sat back, closed her eyes, trying to take it all in one last time.

Then with shaking hands started searching through her cubbyhole.
‘Good it is still here’, she sighed relieved.
She took out her old trusted friend, just staring at it. It still had some old dried blood on it from the last meeting.
‘How have you been old friend, I hope you didn’t miss me too much!’
She laughed whilst turning her wrist, preparing for her first cut.
‘My dear friend this will most probably be our last meeting because tonight, everything is going to end!’

Suddenly it hit her; there was still things that can’t be left unsaid. It would be selfish not to at least try to explain it. Again she rambled thought her stuff, finding a piece of paper and a pen. She just stared at the blank page, who was now staring back at her.
‘How can I do it? How can I write a letter to a person who will never receive it? God d****t! I will just have to hope that maybe one day he does.’
Picking up the pen once again, she started

My dearest…

‘Umm’, she’s stuck.
There is so much that she wants him to know but how do I explain everything? How can I possibly justify what I am going to do right now and in the same time tell him how I feel about him?
‘No I have too’, she decided on long last.


I wish that I could surrender my soul. Shed my pain like the clothes I wear but I cannot. I don’t know what is real anymore. This life of mine is driving me insane and I do not know what to do. The difficulty of this whole situation, killing me! I want nothing more in life than to be with you. Nothing... I love you. I think I have always loved you, even before we met. Our souls connected in such a way that I can’t get you out of my system. Even though there never was anything physical between us, I could feel you, through the electricity that ran between us. Your smile, your eyes, everything about you drives me silently insane. I love you, yes. I will say that a hundred times just to make sure you know and understand it. And a hundred more, too make sure you have enough I love you’s to last you a lifetime.

She stopped writing. Read the letter repeatedly. Trying to find a way to express what she feels more accurately but she couldn’t. All she could think about was his face. She always hoped that his face would one day be the last face she will ever see. Sadly, that dream is over now. I am defeated by my demons.

She took her blade, seeing that she couldn’t think of anything more to say. Besides, he will never receive the letter anyway. Slowly the blade broke through her skin. Sliding through it like a hot knife through butter. The crimson fluid started appearing.
‘More’, she thought.
I need more. Violently she began butchering her arm. One, two three… more and more! Her hands covered with blood.

Again and again, through the tendons and the veins, the blood now spurted form her tired body.
‘One more for old time’s sake’, she thought while she made the last incursion.
The blade fell; she just sat there, staring at her latest piece of work. Then it hit her. She grabbed the letter. Where is the pen? She franticly searching for it. Oh I cant find it, must find it, time it almost up! She could feel her body weaken. Slowly, bit by bit as the blood continues to stream relentlessly from her body.

It is gone. She took her finger, dipped it in the thick fluids and wrote one last word on the letter, that will never be delivered to the person she wrote it for.

SORRY...

The last word she will ever write. Everything was becoming dark in front of her. She knew her time was near. Closing her eyes. Listening to the lyrics of the song playing right now.
‘ Hmm, Cradle of Filth, they always made me feel better, now they will die with me and my last letter’
The lyrics consumed her. She just listened

“Somebody tell me that I'm dreaming.
Its not easy to stop from screaming.
But words escape me when I try to speak
Tears they flow but why am I crying?
After all I'm not afraid of dying
Don't ever believe there never be an end”

Softly, she placed her wrist on the letter.
She has left this world with one last breath…
whilst the blood mixes with her very last words

 

Author's Note

Thoughts, just thoughts ....

Reviews

[Nicholas Hallows]

'I love you, yes. I will say that a hundred times just to make sure you know and understand it. And a hundred more, too make sure you have enough I love yous to last you a lifetime' - so sad!

Yes, like Gary says the outcome is predictable from the opening but then it doesn't need to remain a mystery really. In a way I think the predictability of the ending depends on the outlook of the reader - whether they are hoping for some kind of optimistic realisation by the character. The fact that I knew the outcome from the start also makes me think about how much I want to live and not go through this myself as I was willing the character to see the light that I did.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

A very well written story. Sad and tragic from beginning to end. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[Twilight]

In paragraph one, the protagonist accepts the blame for her misfortune. She is an anguish. The scenes of self-mutilation are very vivid. There are moments when she seems to revel in the sheer drama of her situation.

Brilliantly written!

[These Haunted Hallways]

Intense and deeply saddened :( Although ive attempted to cut before, i never went thru it, but wanted to so badly. i don't know how it feels to actually go thru with it. Maybe im scared, but then again, i, too, am not afraid to die. This made me cry, that's how powerful it was. I feel u so much. Amazing story. U see what love can do to a person these days? hehe. *Hugs*

B.A.

[Sr.phil]

i was all freaked out when my page loaded and out come the picture first. oh man, first of all id like to point out my thought on this, its so sad. it was kinda hard to read it, not because it wasnt written properly but because its a tragedy.
Sr.Phil - Great Work.

[bluessadmood]

this is very strong writing dear,yes love could kill ,if you say you knew him even before you even met him ,i think thats the most powerful bond we see,its like creeping under your skin ,you say it beautifully ,how you want to take out your dear life ,its already hard to pass that line from life to death ,its even harder to do it on your own ,its not killing your self ,but killing all memories ,all hopes all thought ,all things planned and yet waiting to be done its shutting yourself from all the ones you really cared for you are cutting the line once and for all from everything that you might have loved and saught all your life ,i know life is not worth it ,and it will do it for you at any time and she is glad to do it,so in a way you are beating her at her own game ,still it must be pretty awful to take all those dreams away ,i wish i was that brave,but we are all weaklings and we play the game as life wanted us to play ,very sad ,very regretful

[Nick Erickson]

How else could a story like this end, no other way, and you did a brilliant job taking us through to the character's end.
The vivid emotions your character went through, wanting to leave a little not, but in the end settling for sorry was brilliant.
Well done.

[Natasha Ashway]

What a lasting image! It's like a play - the drama, I love it. Applause!

[No one]

The picture at the top ruined the story for me. I mean, a story about suicide can't be predictable. Why does a reader want to read about someone who plans to kills herself because she's in a loveless relationship? They read on because they want her to find a reason to live...They want her to dump the b*****d! They want her to pull a Lorena Bobbit on the son of a b***h.
Suicide is a hard subject to deal with in literature, one which requires the utmost subtlety to make the story truly memorable. I knew how the story was going to end, and all I could think of was "Why? Why doesn't she just leave that relationship?" I know this subject is beaten to death by writers all over the world. With that in mind, there has to be something really spectacular about it for a reader not to feel depressed after finishing the story.
Aside from the predictability and the one-dimensional content, there were a multitude of tense issues. You need to try to sustain tense throughout sentences and paragraphs, unless you mean to keep jumping back and forth into past, present, future, conditional future, conditional past...
Example:---------->Yet today on this darkened night, she has had enough. Driving faster and faster, almost losing control a couple of times. Her tears burning like acid, clouding her vision behind this tinted windows. Her mind is running wild. She is trying to find a solution. Some answer that would suit everyone else, except her!

[R J Askew]

Again, I fail... Love, blood, madness...big themes. I began to fail when you first referred to the 'friend'...but tried to stick with it. Then when you described the blade on the skin. I could not read another word... I just can't read it. I sort of live in my reason and the big themese this piece captures I tend to shy away from, certainly blood. I feel safe in my loveless, bloodless reason. Love can be terrifying...it seems to go wrong so frequently and the consequences are confusing and chaotic. Is it easier to do avoid it? There is an argument. Wild emotions, extreme feelings...difficult territory. Emotions offer much, but once on the loose where will they take us? I know I could not read your piece to the end, but reading what I did was enough to convice me that many people will have been in exactly the position you describe and will apprecite the feelings.

[Rachel Hays]

I'm amazed by every new piece you send me. This has so much emotion in it. Violence, beauty, pain, peace, all of it's here. You can understand it all so well. You understand her so well, and the reason she just can't do it anymore. "For a love that has gone, does not hurt nearly as much as a love that will never be." Wow.
I love to read things like this. To read how it ends for someone who's tired, and tired of trying. Someone who's ready for the ultimate end. I could never and would never want to be in her shoes, but reading that, seeing that, it's just beautiful.
You've done it again. Great job.