My story

This is my suicide story and the reason I'm alive

ever since I was 11 death always seemed appealing. I had a strange thought that my mother hated me and I was better off dead. The reason I thought this was because when I got into middle school, my mother put me through emotional distress, yelling at me about how I wasn't doing well in school. I didn't understand it so I assumed that she didn't want anything to do with me and that made me want to die. I one night actually prayed to Jesus, saying kill me and take me to heaven with you. I actually wrote a suicide note because I was so convinced I was going to die that night. I was a stupid 11 year old. I thought I was in pain when in actuality I was just some spoiled little girl who didn't know what pain was. I was ignorant of the suffering in the world thinking that I was suffering. I was ignorant of the death going on in the world and I didn't know I was lucky to be alive. To this day I hate myself for ever thinking that way. This went on until I was 14. I went on living my life drowning in my thoughts of suicide, but as usual, when I drowned I refused to scream, thinking it would only cause me to sink deeper. I was a raging sea inside a raindrop and I still am. When I was 13 I started to go into depression (not because of a traumatic event or anything. It's because my brain doesn't produce enough serotonin). I looked at the popular people at my school and hated them. I thought they didn't have any problems and that their lives were perfect. I felt ugly and unloved and I thought they were pretty and admired by everyone. I was a really ignorant kid and I still hate myself for ever thinking like that. I didn't trust people with my problems thinking that it would only make things worse. I thought if I told my friends about wanting to die then they would be freaked out by me and would avoid me, and I didn't trust the guidance counsellors because I didn't think anything was confidential, and I thought if I were to go up to a random person and say “I'm in pain. Please help me.” They would just tell me to screw off. I thought that the world was filled with nothing, but hate and I didn't see the point in living in a world like that. I was tired of being told by my parents that I was becoming lazy when I was really in depression. I was tired of cutting myself as some form of punishment for existing. I was tired of being the abuser of my life. I use to think my parents only loved me because they thought I was something I'm not. I thought that if they knew who I really was they wouldn't want anything to do with me. It didn't help that my mother threatened to kick me out of my house because I wouldn't respond to what she was saying out of fear. I was tired of breathing instead of living. One day I was in the hallway during math class because I was the quiet kid who didn't like the loud kids and my teacher knew that, but the only reason I wanted to work in the hall was because I didn't want to work, I just wanted to sit and listened to flyleaf on my iPad which I did do. While I was searching through related videos, I saw this video called Lacey sturm’s testimony (Lacey Sturm being the lead singer of flyleaf) and I told myself I would watch it later, but I started to fight with myself saying “you're not gonna watch it later, stupid. Watch it now!” So I did and she talked about how when she was 16 she wanted to kill herself and she almost did. The day she was going to kill herself, she went home to her grandmother's house and she assumed her hand other wouldn't be home, but she was and she was yelling at her for not being in school. I learned that in the book she wrote her grandmother had taken her cigarettes away so Lacey started freaking out saying that she needed a smoke. After arguing for a long time Lacey's grandmother said “you need to go to church” the last place she wanted to be because she hated Christians and she hated God, so she refused to go, she wanted to go kill herself. Eventually her grandmother got her to go to church that day, she said she would go if she stopped screaming at her. When she was in church she sat in the back and just sat there with her arms crossed hating everybody in the room, the preacher started talking and he spoke about pain that Lacey said she felt in her life until he started crying and he said “there is a suicidal spirit in the room, please come ups dn let us pray for you” and that's when I started to cry my eyes out. In the middle of school I just started crying. I never cried so I was surprised. Lacey went on about how she refused to go up and let them pray for her, her pride was too big. While the preacher cried the people in the church started to cry with him and she was so surprised and freaked out. She felt like the preacher was talking to her as he spoke and as he cried. Once the service was over she pretty much ran to the door to go and kill herself, but she was stopped by the deacon of the church. The deacon said that God wanted him to speak to her. He talked to her about things he couldn't have known and was talking about the pain she felt until he said “will you let me pray for you” and she did because she was in pain and she just wanted to tell someone. My heart grew heavy when I heard that because I had felt that way. I wanted to tell someone about my pain, but I was too scared to, something was keeping me back. When Lacey felt God wrap his arms around, she said that God created me, God knows who I am and what I've done and he still loves me more than anyone. That's when I realized, all I wanted was for someone, anyone, to walk up to me and say “Sam, I know who you are, I know what you've done, and I still love you” that's all I needed and I got that with God.

Reviews

[Zõmbïē..]

It seems you found some peace. I'm glad. Please try not to hate yourself for past mistakes. They are forgiven by God -- can you forgive yourself? It's a hard, difficult road for people like us with depression. But we can stay diligent, and we can keep moving forward. Even when giving up feels like our only choice.

Keep writing. It's the best therapy.