Letting Go

Inspired by one of our favourite tv series, grey's anatomy

I didn't hear him. Well, I heard him, but it seemed like he was talking in a foreign language I couldn't comprehend. I went numb and shaking. My legs and knees wobbled. Then the realization hit me. Before I knew, tears were streaming down my face and I was sobbing. Slowly the fact stabbed me in the gut over and over again. I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to cry in front of him but I couldn't hold it. While my body trembled, gasping for air, he sat me down on a bench.

"You promised. How could you do this?" my voice barely came as a whisper.

She was dead. My mother, she was gone. And I'm left here with this step father-more like a monster, who killed my mother.

***

36 hours before

"Mom, are you sure you're okay with this? I won't go if you don't want me to,”
I was supposed to go to this cursed field trip and leaving my mom on a hospital bed. Just when I was going to decide not to go on the field trip for her sake, my step father stepped in and told me that I should go. He said that he would take care of her and that he wouldn't let anything bad happened to her and I trusted him, so I went. Stupid, stupid me. If only I decided not to go. We all did things we regret, didn't we?

I didn't finish my field trip, I just got some sick feeling that something was not right. Therefore, I pretended to be sick so I could be sent home early and they did. I went to the hospital right away and my mother's room was empty. The room where she had laid down for 3 months was empty and I saw him, and I realized what had happened.

Everything went blank and I felt my head caught by someone.

***

I woke up and I remembered everything all over again and the pain was too much to bear. There he was, the man who killed my mother.

"I am so sorry Amanda, it had to be done. I know that it is difficult but it had been 3 months now. And believe me it's no more easier for me than for you. I had to unplugged her. For her and for you. Look at you, you've done nothing these past 3 months except waiting beside her. I love her Amanda, I truly do and I'll always do just like you, but we've gotta let go now. We have to believe that it is truly what she wants. Besides, she was dead. These 3 months, it was not her who was breathing, it was all machine. No one should ever live like that. Now, she can go to a better place and I know that you want the best for her, don't you Amanda? You've gotta let go."

"You are not my dad! You don't get to decide what's best for me, especially not for her! Who the hell do you think you are?!" And I cried all over again, how would I live without my mother? She was the only one I had. It should've been me. I should be dead instead of her. I couldn't breathe.

I felt arms surrounding me, he held me tight.

"It's okay now. You're not alone in this Amanda. I am here with you girl, I will always be with you. It's okay,” my step dad said in a soothing voice and I didn't know what to feel anymore.

"It should have been me, I am so sorry dad, I am so sorry." I repeated the words over and over again like a mantra.

"Hey, hey, no one ever said that it was your fault Amanda, and that's because it is not. None of this is your fault. You were driving the car, yes, but you didn't do anything wrong. It was really unfortunate that the drunk driver hit your car, but it was not your fault. You hear me? It is nobody's fault honey." And for the first time, I believed him. I didn't do anything wrong.

That car accident sent my mother brain dead. That car accident killed her and cost me my leg. Luckily, that drunk driver was dead. I hoped he suffered hell! And I stayed in my dad's arm for a long while until I can breathe again.

"Breathe, just breathe, it's going to be okay. It's not your fault, you are not alone in this.” I repeated them in my hearts.