Vanishing leaves

~Sonnet~

When the stately roads, so flat, clean, and plain

shall be swept away by some future race,

And them ladies with red nails would complain

that there's no manicure for us these days.

When creatures from far off galaxies would

capture our Earth in their big, silver crafts,

you will come to me, my love, and will brood

'bout our future in these war-stricken shafts.

Then you would sigh aloud and say to me,

"My darling, the leaves are vanishing fast.

Let's run away from here, let the world be

damaged and hollowed till this war shall last."

Then I would laugh and reply that my love

oft have I sent such pleas to the man 'bove.

Author's Note

A modern twist to this age old style of poetry...

Reviews

[Richard🖌]

Goodness, Poetess!
What an imaginative poem with a brilliant title, and a perfect picture, too.
Whom, but the most creative-minded (out of the blue), could throw a hint of absurd satire into such a line as:
"them ladies with red nails would complain
that there's no manicure for us these days." : )

And, how original and surprising is:
"When creatures from far off galaxies would
capture our Earth in their big, silver crafts,"

🛠
L2: shall be "swept" away; L8: Check spelling "war-stricken", and L12: the awkward end could be better put as, "till this war 'has passed'."
Though, it is an amazingly creative and original poem, and it adheres to the, syllable-counts, number of lines, and rhymes scheme of a Sonnet, it lacks the iambic pentameter all sonnets have in common that would allow it to be one (if you're interested in iambic beat, I wrote a blog on my site that explains it quite simply: http://www.writerscafe.org/RichardJ/blogs/IAMBICS%3A-A-Lesson-%28Instructional-Series%29/143972/ Or, message me and I'll be happy to lend a friendly hand.

A poem of destruction, with a keen touch of humor, futuristic war, Nature's leaves, the wonder of romance, and love … excellent! May the leaves turn green and return for these war-stricken lovers.

Thank you so very much for this wondrously entertaining piece, and what a brilliant writer you truly are … smiles 'n most gracious hugs! ⁓ Richard 🍃

I have a Sonnet posted here with a "modern twist" you might enjoy, titled "ROBBIE" http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1634898/?&p=2

[Moonie]

I agree with all your suggestions, and will make the changes. Thank you so much for them. I hadn't looked at this poem in a long time.
I have always been bad with meter. I had read somewhere that there can be an exception to the rule that all sonnets must have iambic pentameter, but I am not sure of that. Thanks again for stopping by, and for the suggestions!!

[Richard🖌]

All true traditional sonnets are composed in Iambic pentameter.
Others have been written differently and called a Sonnet, but are not considered proper sonnets, same as yours here.
If you'd like help with the Sonnet structure, let me know … I've helped literally hundreds understand iambics and learn to compose a powerful and beautiful Sonnet.

[BlackPrince]

WOW! I love the way you've expressed such ground-breaking ideas in the sonnet form.
You certainly, through awareness and skill, have revived the sonnet as a poetic form. And in your poem, you stay relevant to our modern present condition and future ramification, and you add a sense of humour,
'And them ladies with red nails would complain
that there's no manicure for us these days.'
Yet the sense of humour does not detract our focus from the seriousness of the matter of human survival you depict so masterfully.
From start, middle and end, the poem flows flawlessly. And the subject matter is so uniquely expressed.
I love poetry and read ancient and modern poetry.
I also try to experiment with older forms such as the sonnet; but I still haven't written a sonnet.

Your poem here I will add to my favourite to read list.

WELL DONE!!

[Moonie]

Thank you so much for this awesome review! You exactly understood what i wanted to convey !

[An owl on the moon]

What a brilliant dance of ancient forms aroused into the modern voice to dance. Your words gave me the feeling of threads weaving two souls together across time, of sacred cries to bring an end to the wildness of wars, of a world slowly fading away. Sighing and letting the leaves fall across my mind.

[Moonie]

Thank you very much for this kind and gracious review! :)

[MOON]

Lovely lyrical write encompassing the old and the new. No manicure ...ha like the lightness of that and the contrast with war and foreboding.

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

Beautiful. From your choice of words to their meaning and connotation. Beautiful.

[Pete]

this is very deep and intricate. you touch on nature, god, man, the future, love and hate and knit them all together beautifully while telling a story. I also sense a sly sense of humor. this is a very complex write. you have a wonderfully vivid, sharp, creative mind. Touches on so many levels. Amazing work. very talented.

[Roland Petrov]

It's modern, but you let the old form shine. I would put a comma after 'that" and "love" in the second to last line (like you did in the seventh line). I like the comedy of the ladies with red nails between the destruction by a future race and the arrival of aliens. Lovely title and a nice metaphor.

[MomzillaNC]

Well penned. :D

[1VJ]

Wow, this is fabulous, yes we're destructive, there'll be no leaves sooner than we know, forget about red nail polish! :)

[Bohrium Guy]

Awesome write. Excellent wording and display. I'm glad I took the time to read your works. I really enjoyed the imagery and style.

Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing.

~Rob~

[Moonie]

Thank you so much, bohrium guy! I'm glad you liked it! :)))