Snow crystals (a collaboration with Jesus)

Pristine snow crystals,

fall like stars

from the sky,

reflecting lights all around--gold, lilac, gentle green.

In slow motion,

they gather around you, 

like bits of paper thrown

above

doomed already

to fall each time.

Cristales inmaculados de nieve,

caen como estrellas

desde el cielo,

reflejando luces por todas partes--dorado,lila, verde  suave.

En lento movimiento,

acumulándose a tu alrededor,

como pedacitos de papel lanzados

arriba

condenados  ya

a caer cada vez.

Author's Note

What has success given us, if not a larger distance to fall?

This is my first translation poem. I have been helped in writing the spanish version by the brilliant writer and my friend, Jesus. It does take a lot of brilliance and will power to go through my awful grammar.:)) Hope you enjoyed it. Review and tell me what you think.

Reviews

[Bright Ocean Star]

"like little bits of paper thrown above doomed already to fall each time."....I love this. Your writing is simple, clear, and so beautiful. You have a gentle, magical way of planting the words for maximal effect. Brilliant daughter of the moon, you are shining tonight!

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

This is very interesting and I loved the two languages :) very creative

[Moonie]

Thanks, dear Taylor for the lovely words.:))

[John Anderson]

This is very well penned.

[Moonie]

Thanks for the amazing review, dear John. =)

[Emily]

I love the meaning of it!

[Moonie]

Thank you for the kind words. I am glad you liked this one. =)

[Nusquam Esse]

This first one isn't an error, but a suggestion which could alter potential meaning, making it a bit less direct, and more wistful. Try replacing 'the' with 'a' in the third line, and removing the comma at the end? This would make it more ambiguous on if the crystals or the sky was reflecting the light. I personally find the ambiguity to be appealing, but I can also understand the need to be concise, so this is just a suggestion. Then for the second to last line, I would recommend trying it without the 'already', since it feels (IMO) like it takes away the impact of the line, and throws off the flow. Other than these small suggestions, this is again... a mystical piece which I enjoyed.

Alrighty... I will try to give advice on the Spanish bit, although I am hardly that great at Spanish; but I will try all the same. I recommend running my ideas through your friend (who is probably better than I am). The first line does not have the 'pristine' idea conveyed, and I can understand why, since most adjectives that I threw in there completely threw off the rhythm of the line. The only one I can think of which might work well is virgen (virgin). The first half of the fourth line is a good translation, but I think "por todas partes" is throwing off the pace a bit. Maybe removing the 'all around/throughout" connotation may be good to make the line flow tighter and better? Which for the record, the second part of that line is perfect; love the way it flows at the end. Movimiento in the following line, is again correct, focusing on the movement of the flakes... but I am wondering how well reworking the sentence to use 'tiempo' instead might work. To me it is a better sounding word, and focusing less on the slow motion of the flakes, and more on how they seem to make time itself flow slowly, may make for a more magical feeling. I am feeling conflicted about the sixth line, I feel that there is probably a better verb to be used (since it makes it quite a bit longer than the original), but honestly... it flows so well off the tongue. If I had not seen the English version, I would probably really like that line! Still, by far my favourite bit, is the ending; superbly done! I love those last two lines.

[Moonie]

Hmmm, that not using pristine was my idea. His was using "inmaculados", but I thought it lengthened the poem. Translation to me, should concentrate a lot on sound and the basic feel of the poem. So I think it works well even without the adjective. Although, I might add "inmaculados" since I like its sound. I like the expression "por todas partes"-- yep, it sounds like a savage reason, but I just do!
Now, the english version, "already" suggests that they are doomed even before being thrown up.
And thanks for stopping by. You are always welcome!:))

[Nusquam Esse]

I just felt that 'already' was redundant, since the meaning of the piece felt the same regardless of its existence. And immaculados, it is as you said... I considered it as well, and despite such a lovely word, it felt too long. As one who has wrote a few poems, and translated them, I am all too familiar with the difficulty inherent in doing so. (although Spanish-English is much easier than Japanese-English)

[Sunny]

I love the way you created this! The imagery is amazing! and translating is awesome as well

[Moonie]

Your review is awesome too. =))

[Cory Barrett]

Quite the scene of winters splendor you paint

[Moonie]

Thanks for the kind comment, dear Streamline. :))
I am glad you found this.......wintery. :D

[Matching Socks]

Do our dreams fall with those tiny bit of snowflakes, the bits of paper that are doomed to fall?
I like to think that those represent all the possibilities, we can't have it all but we grab on to a few hopes and dreams to call our own.

Nice poem, so pretty

[Moonie]

Thanks, dear Anče. I am glad you found this pretty.=)

[Frieda P]

It's exquisite in its simplicity, the inevitable in life perceived so beautifully. An elegant collaboration!

[Moonie]

Thank you, dear Frieda. Your lovely reviews are always cherished by me. =)

[Frieda P]

It's quite enchanting, the pleasure was mine. :)