Ah Men...You Gatta Love Em

this isn't really a story, just some interesting thoughts I had at work today. An observation written with a bit of humor, if you will. Let me know what you think of it...please.

What interesting creatures, male gender of the human species. Have you ever really analyzed and had an encounter with them? Surely you have had an encounter with them. I’ve had more than my fair share and I’ve come to realize that there are a few categories they fall in.

 

Take for example this situation that I’ve witnessed between a customer and a co-worker. My co worker is a woman of outstanding-eye boggling-here’s my wallet mama, proportions, and she isn’t afraid to remind anyone. The girl is blessed from behind, and yes, pun intended. She was busy rearranging some items on the shelves when she was approached by one of the less interesting (self preference speaking here) males. He proceeded to ‘woo’ her with his ‘charm’ by circling her like a shark and prey, and asked her “working hard?” [SIGH] She obviously wasn’t interested in playing his game, but this little Flounder, uh, Great White was quite persistent. She answered him with a no and he tried to form intelligent words as he ogled her a*s. Honestly, that is impossible in her case. So he spoke what he was obviously thinking. “You sure are thick girl. I like that…”

[PAUSE TO RECOGNIZE IDIOT]

   That…was pathetic! Let’s just say this little fishy gets no meal today. Honestly, men need to buy thesauruses and dictionaries, the pocket size ones, and never leave home without them. Their usage of adjectives leave me bewildered and utterly mystified. Eh, some men…not all, there I stand corrected. But really, there is so much more room for improvement…let’s get started with that mental and social renovations and refurbishment please, please?

 

    Then there’s the smooth talkers. Ah yes, those guys that sit alone in their bedrooms, or in the cubical of their jobs, or maybe even the more advanced conventional Fabios that carry pen and notepad to the toilet and sit, scribble, moan and s**t as they come up with new and more witty lines to through at us. I chuckled at the last, come on you did too, don’t be a sourpuss. These, uh, sugar coated tongue, spicy chicos…[sigh], they are the ones to look out for when you’re menstruating, and carrying and oversized handbag. They will peel back the upper layer of your epidermis, crawl in and pull the covers tight over themselves…yes…they would. Don’t argue with me on this one. I speak from experience here. I’ve had the worst of the worst lines thrown at me followed promptly by a crooked smile and chuckle. The look upon my face was enough to shoot down a F-22 Raptor…spear no horses, that’s my creed.

      One day I was minding my own business, something I practice daily, coming from lunch at the service station. In my walking, I noticed that there was a gentlemen walking in my direction. Now, I knew that he had something to say. No I’m not being arrogant and egotistical here…I knew. You will to when you notice that the world drags to a slow annoying pace and you’re walking in slow motion. When things get all blurred around the edges and some cheesy slow R&B Barry White music kicks in and you here the big guy him self say ‘Ooooh Yeah, baby…’ Then there’s the c**k sure grin that appears on this cheeky b******s face and you have a feeling of utter disgust and total panic and wish that you had bought that Instant Transporter Device Stargate had on Ebay. That’s when you say: ‘Please don’t see me…please…’ But you know what? No matter how interesting you find the sky, the grass, the new building on the other side of the street or even the stray dog taking a whiz on someone’s car tires…he will see you. You have become a flaming neon red on his radar.

    Here’s where you’ll notice him slowing his ‘hot strut’ and smacks his lips, simultaneously leaning to the side that you will pass, never forgetting to scope you out at the same time. This guy was built to multitask. Now, here’s where the s**t hits the fan and splattered in grandma’s mashed potatoes and gravy.

The Guy: Tell him hi for me…”

Poor Me: “Excuse me?”

The Guy: “Tell him hi for me when you go back.”

      [PAUSE FOR BRIEF STRETCH OF CONFUSION]

Confused Me: “Who?”

The Guy: “God…”

      [CUE THE FACIAL EXPRESSION SPECIFIED FOR CORNY REMARKS]

 

 There are not enough words in Oxford and Webster…damn it Wikipedia, to express fully how I felt right there and then. So on that note, I was led to create a new word. Radacrayzfirstilbeyinghere. It needs work but I think you get where I’m going with this. I didn’t hang around after that line, what I did do was smiled politely with wild ‘OMG!’ eyes and quickened my pace. Honestly, I just wanted out after that. Catastrophe.

 

     And how can we forget the guy that never beats around the bush? He is the on who normally make our heart skip numerous beats, if we’re attracted. Yes, this guy sometimes, gets the girl…if we’re attracted. Wait, I said that already. Guess that attribute plays a big factor. But what happens to the guys that attempt to take on this role…and …. And… [PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC MUSIC AND THUNDER AND LIGHTENING]…we’re NOT attracted to them? Feel free to cringe now. ‘Kay I’m normally polite and try to stay as far away from my mace as possible when caught in any of these situations…but this guy is normally asking to be nuked. Believe it or not, but I encounter this guy more than the others, 90% of the time really and just as that percentage, 90% of the time I’m nowhere near attraction with him. Sucks.

     Here’s a scenario. He’ll sniff you out like the bloodhound he is, and walk straight to you like you were the light at the end of the tunnel. The look on his face is always intense, no smiling allowed. Why would he do such a silly thing? Just preposterous of you to think he would. Anyway, with ‘intense’ eyes he would give you all his attention even when his friends trying to distract him. Now sometimes he comes alone but God help you if he has friends with him…he’ll be superfluously persistent now. When he gets to you after…say two minutes of slow-mo walking, he’ll look only at your face first [because somewhere in the scoring process he will scope you out, but he’s playing the gentlemen role right now.], then he’ll use his deepest-I-just-graduated-from-puberty voice, you know that Shaft voice, and he’s gonna say something like; “Beautiful. I walked in and when I saw you, I knew I just had to say hi to this gorgeous woman…” By now you’ve probably realized that the straight forward guy has all the attributes of the smooth talker and the linesman. What an over achiever. He’s qualified for womanizing women from all walks of life.

     Back to the scenario. So by now you’re blushing if he’s hot, just smiling if he’s not. We’re pretending he’s not. So you’re probably offended by his BO or maybe too much cologne or something and hoping that he goes blind so you could make your grand escape. Dream on…he has locked and loaded in on you and you’re the target he’s taking down.

“Listen, I could see that you’re the type of girl I’m looking for. Why don’t you give me your number and let me call you so I can get to know you more.”

“Um, I’m seeing someone.” Because that is always the first lie that you think of.

“That’s okay, we could be friends…” you always wanna say I have enough friends.

“Well, um…” This is the moment when you panic. If you’re the sweet girl who doesn’t like to reject people…you’re an a*s. Reject this loser and drop him like a dead mouse you picked up thinking it was you’re new mink gloves. Just be gentle, these situations spawn stalkers. Just tell the poor guy you’re not interested from the beginning, but be easy. Eventually his testosterone will simmer to a nice boil once the heat is gradually turned down.

 

     I love them all though. They help me to make it through the day. Yes there are times where they could be stifling, but eventually you’ll find a window and get some air…or jump. Try to avoid the latter. There are so many other flavors of men, but those were just the three that stood out at work today. Had to write it. Thanks to the first guy, you now have this little article to chirp you up. And for the gents that read this, if the cap fits. If it doesn’t count your self lucky…you just made some woman stay straight. [CHUCKLES]

Reviews

[Tim]

It was an amusing story. Even us guys like watching those guys go down in flames when they get shot down.

[Let Me Write]

HAHAHA so true....so hilariously true! Loved it!