An Unguarded Moment

A young mothers story of the death of her daughter.

Drowning is the second leading cause of accidental deaths of children and toddlers in Canada. Please practice pool safety.


Spring 1988 was early that year. Lilacs were in full bloom, the tulips had come and gone, green grass, warm breeze, the angle of the sun in spring time through our beautiful back yard around 4 clock in the afternoon. The Blacks has opened their pool as they had every year and we could hear their family frequently enjoying it. The blue water twinkled through the hedge. Al complained that the backyard took an hour to mow but we were proud of our home and has many dreams of how we would renovate in the future. Al had built Cameron a beautiful tree house and we had a nice sandbox for the kids to play in. I would sit out on a lawn chair, reading a book or the paper and watch the kids play. Cameron had a little pal from next door named Robbie and the two of them would play...most times amicably in the back yards of on the side walk riding their big wheels and bikes. Caity has her first bike, pink with streamers on the handlebars and sparkly handgrips.
Cameron had an accident and fell off the bottom rungs of the tree house breaking his left wrist. HE was casted up to the shoulder and had periodic check ups with the orthopaedic surgeon.

June 6th/ 88 Start out like any other day. Cameron had an afternoon appointment with the surgeon and AL was taking time off work to take him. I had worked (1530-2330) the evening before and was feeling tired that morning. I was fighting a cold and was glad I was off that day. Cameron went to school and Caity and I went to the back yard. It was warm and sunny, not a cloud in the sky, I has put my bathing suit top on to catch some rays and Caity was playing in her sand box with the dog. I felt so thank ful for my life. I remember saying a quiet prayer of gratitude for our home, my marriage ( which hadn’t been without its troubles in the preceding years) but all was in track now, my 2 perfect, healthy blond children, my work which I was finding particularly satisfying after years of ICU to make the change to ER was a good thing. I had rejuvenated my career My small group of close friends. MY life was good.

Caity and the dog were over in the corner of the yard tussling with something, I didn’t have my glasses on so I couldn’t make out the details of what is was. I got up and walked over and here the dog had a dead starling in its mouth and Caity was trying to grab it from him. I was horrified and promptly took it away to the garbage and marched Cait into the house to wash her hands.
My neighbour called after lunch and asked if Caity could come over for a few hours to play with the other kids.Cam had an an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon and AL was picking him up at school to take him. I said sure and was glad because I could sleep for a few hours before it was time to make supper for AL and the kids.

I went to get Caity from the neighbours at around 1530hrs. She was having a good time playing with the other kids. I stayed for a quick coffee and then went home across the street holding her hand. We went into the house and Caity and the dog went into the backyard to play in the sandbox. I followed and sat on my chair for a few moments watching them. Thinking oh darn, I need to get some hamburger out of the refrigerator for supper, I got up from my chair and entered the house through the sliding door. You could not see the sandbox from inside the house. I got the hamburger out of the refrigerator freezer and at that moment the newspaper buy delivered the newspaper through the front door. I walked to pick up the paper and walked over to the kitchen table glancing at the headlines.

The dog came to the back slider as I reached it on the inside, Amy and no Caity. I opened the door and stepped out into the backyard and looked at the sandbox"no Caity. I was irritated at first thinking damn it she has gone around the front of the house because she can hear the kids playing out there. Out the door I went calling her name Caity, Caity, I rounded the garage and just then AL and Cameron pulled in the driveway after Cam’s appointment. I told AL I couldn’t find Caity and for him to look up and down the street, Ill go to the backyard.

Fear is starting to rise in me…where was she. I ran into the backyard calling for her. OH MY GOD the greenbelt. I ran though the backyard through the opening in our hedge still looking and calling no Caity. I turned to my left and that’s when I saw it, the open gate to the Black’s pool.It wasn’t open far but far enough to enter.I knew in that instant that she was in the pool. I was screaming, I ran to the side and looked down into the water in the deep end and there she was at the bottom of the pool face down. I yelled for AL…he was almost right behind me. I jumped into the water but I couldn’t swim down to get her I was screaming and filled with horror. Al dove and got her bringing her to the surface as I was scrambling out.

I immediately became the ER nurse..check for a pulse, none. No breathing ,her lips were blue and she was flaccid. I thought remember how to do CPR on an infant. Do you use your fingers or heel of your hand? Couldn’t remember. Open the airway. I tilted her head back and scraped all the skin off the fingers on my LT hand from the rough cement around the pool. Al was there…I yelled at him Call 911, tell them there has been a drowning, hurry.

I gave her mouth to mouth, mouth to mouth and nose and I could feel the resistance of water in her lungs as I blew in. 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 blow, She vomited and I turned her head scooping out her airway. She has eaten spaghetti-o’s and I thought. She must had those at Shirleys. MRs Black appeared at her back door…she said something ? What are you doing. I screamed MY BABY MY BABY has drowned in your pool. She cried back DON’t STOP.

I kept doing CPR. I could hear the birds singing in the trees, feel the breeze blowing over us and I thought…oh my god my life will never be the same. IN an instant everything can change. 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5. I could hear the sirens on the expressway coming closer. And closer. AL was there, Mrs Black and totally unbeknownst to us Cameron was a silent witness to the horror though the hedge. I don’t know how long I had been doing CPR but I knew I had to stop to check her pupils. I stopped and looked into her eyes…her pupils were fully dilated and her gaze was lifeless. She was dead. I became a Mother again I clutched her to my chest. Wailing MY BABY MY BABY Is dead.

The ambulance, fire truck, and police arrived and suddenly there were a lot of people in that backyard, Shirley showed up with kids in tow. People milling around, I was screaming shes dead, I know shes dead don’t do anything I don’t want a brain dead baby. The attendants didn’t recognize me and they took Caity away. AL pulled me away “ its in their hands now Nancy”
AL and I in wet clothes, the dog barking, Shirley yelling How could this happen? She was just at my house. I yelled at her Take Cameron to your house we will call later.
Al and I running into the house trying to get out of wet clothes in hurry. I said “ Please don’t blame me AL” I called my Father, I don’t remember who answered. “ Dad, Caity
drowned in the neighbours pool. We are going to St Marys Hospital now.” My Father screamed in anguish.

AL and I driving in the car. I said “ AL we need to prepare ourselves. She’s dead” “ Don’t take away my hope Nancy, there is always hope” I don’t remember the drive to the hospital but we arrived at the hospital I had worked at for over 10 years to sit in the chairs at the front entrance. Someone came to show us to the ‘quiet room’ and I thought : This is surreal. How many times have I been the one to show people to this room?

AL and I sat in the quiet room. I don’t remember if we talked. My youngest sister Susie showed up with my Father. Dad told me that Mom was on her way over to get Cameron.
Susie smelled of garlic. We cried, talked, sat in silence, had a few nervous laughs, smoking innumerable cigarettes. A nurse came in to tell us they were trying a pacemaker. I watched the clock tick tock what is taking so long? A member of pastoral care came in and I really didn’t want to talk to her. I ended up comforting her with a hug thinking please go away this is a family matter. Susie braided my wet hair. My Father said nothing, staring out the window, maybe he talked quietly with AL. Tick tock tick tock more time went by and I began bargaining with God. Either bring her back whole or keep her. I kept thinking about the neurologically damaged patients I had nursed and I didn’t want that for Caity.I was petrified of that happening. Finally DR Violet Shadd came in and said I’m sorry Nancy and AL we did everything we could including a pacemaker but we couldn’t bring her back. I’m sorry for your loss.

DR Shadd said a nurse would come when they were ready to bring us in to see her. We all cried and my Dad called me Mother…” She’s gone”. I just wanted to see her. The detectives came to talk to us and were taking picture of Caity. My Dad the policemen said that was normal procedure after an accidental death. They asked me if I knew about a bump and a bruise on head-I did not- remember seeing a bruise but I wasn’t looking for one.

Finally someone came and said we could go in to see her. The ER, normally bustling with people was deadly quiet. I heard a few murmured voice around a corner, the odd fleeting glimpse of someones back. I ran into OR! Screaming"oh Caity, Oh mu God my Caity. Al and Susie were there but my Father could not come in"it was too. Painful for him. She was covered by a white sheet and looked so small ob the big trauma stretcher. She was covered with puncture marks, IV markings, pacemaker markings, her mouth was slightly open from the ET Tube. I pulled her to me but was afraid to lift her off the table. I didn’t want bodily fluids to leek out and I knew they might. She looked like Caity sleeping. Her little clothes were in a pile having been cut off her body. The little short set I had bought her the week before. I picked it up and brought it with me. NO one came to see us in that trauma room No one, I think the tragedy was too intense.

We went back to the quiet room and talked with the police again. Jeanette Bomhoff my head nurse was called at home and she came in to see me. I remember being very concerned that my shifts were covered at work. That I hoped me being off didn’t cause too much hardship.
AL and I left and we drove to a forest where we has often gone to walk, I felt the need to commune with nature. To smell the earth and the pine trees. We walked and talked. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about…carrying on, how we could ld help Cameron. We drove to AL”s Moms home to tell her the news. She said “ Hang on tight to each other kids”

Later that night when every one went home and Al and I were too afraid to turn the light off in our grief and numbness I looked out of our bedroom window to the peace and quiet of the backyard. I heard the frogs and the night sounds and could smell the lilacs and I thought there should be lightening bolts coming from the sky, a thunderstorm some sign from God that MY child was dead but there were no signs; Life just carries and we were numb with grief.

I did sleep for a few hours and when I woke there is the briefest of moments when you forget that your child is dead. I got out of bed and passed her room, the door was open..all her bedding, the crib everything was there except her. It was like she just stepped out of the room for a moment. I tried to eat something, some cinnamon toast but I gagged and couldn’t swallow it. My legs gave out under me and I crumpled to the ground..my god how do I go on? I called my Mother, IT was early around 6 am and I could tell that she hadn’t been sleeping. She had no words for me, there was no comfort there and it took me many years to comprehend how devastating the loss of Caity, her grandbaby was to her too.

Life shrunk down to be myself, my pain, and Cameron"no not even Cameron, My heart broke for him but I don’t remember that I did such a good job of Mothering him in those early days. Numbness, shock, feeling badly about missing work"such and such shifts they will need coverage. Crying and not crying and feeling that it was all I could do to put one foot in front of another. Someone picked up all the toys from the backyard, I think it was my Father"that f*****g backyard, that f*****g yapping dog…where was the dog? I blamed the dog for not alerting me that Caity was drowning…like Lassie or something. I blamed the dog. I didn’t blame the neighbours for leaving the pool gate open"not yet. I went over to the neighbours house to tell Mrs Black I didn’t blame her for Caity’s death. The house was full of people comforting Jean Black and I remember thinking-Why are all these people comforting her? I was the one who lost Caity. Their minister told me I was a good person…I was a numb person going through the motions and doing what I thought was the right thing to do at the time.

We eventually made it to the funeral home, me, my Mother and Al. Driving in the car. The wheels made the noise Caity’s dead, Caity’s dead. All the people in their cars going about their lives. My life was over and they were oblivious. How would we pay for the funeral?
A kindly man at the funeral home, the funeral director I suppose helped us write the death notice,. It was just basic. I couldn’t think of any thing else to say. He told us that Schreiter Sandrock Funeral home would donate the coffin. It was white and very small.

Days that are a blur to me. Crying so much and my Mom getting a prescription of Ativan from Mike Casey to stop my tears. Not sleeping. Finally having to lie down in the afternoon and my sister Margie came to me. I don’t remember what was said but years later she said to me that she knew after she spoke with me the way I was going to deal with things. What did I say?
My house filled with people, people bring food, flowers arriving constantly"so many flowers. Not eating and then when finally able to eat feeling guilty about enjoying it when Caity was still dead.


Snap shots:
My Mother ironing the little purple dress that she has made for Caity the christmas before and crying. Me putting on make up and so wanting things to be ‘normal’. I kept saying “ I just want to get through this and have things be normal again.
Getting dressed for the funeral-we has the visitation and the funeral the same day-I didn’t want to wear black.I wore a blue and white stripped jump suit that I particularly liked. I told AL “ I am going to cry my eyes out with everyone that comes today”

Long lines of people coming to see us. Schreiter Sandrock had to open up 2 rooms to accommodate all the flowers and people. Caity looked so dead. She didn’t even look like herself. We buried her with her favourite toy, a pink puffalump, and he pink blanket.
She wore a little white blouse and the dress that Mom had made but someone had put it on backwards and the strap was across the front and no one but my Mother and myself knew that and it didn’t matter. I cried with everyone I could. I asked my Mom’s brother Bill who has lost his son, my cousin Bradley to suicide, if you ever get over it. HE just looked stunned and shook his head. Long lines of people and the funeral was to be starting. My Mother brought me a glass of water and an Ativan. I said I don’t want to take it. She said you must take it you are too distraught. I took it.

I don’t remember the funeral other than there was a man we didn’t know saying something I don’t remember and not feeling comforted at all. We rode in a limousine to the cemetery with a police escort"there must have been a lot of cars. It was a beautiful, all my family were there, friends, strangers. There were a few words said and AL carried the coffin to the grave all by himself. I wasn’t crying any more I was numb after the Ativan.. The Walter Bean Cemetary was located in the Doon area of Kitchener. Originally a pioneer cemetery my Grandparents are buried there. It’s a lovely spot surrounded by forest. If you had to go in the ground here was as good a spot as any.
After the funeral we went back to out house and had sandwiches and drinks. I don’t know who was responsible for that..perhaps my sister Margie. I sat downstairs and smoked and drank too much that’s all I remember of that day,

There has been interest developed by the newspaper article that Al did without my knowledge or consent, Cars were driving by the house slowly and pointing. It became hard to stay in the house. My girlfriend offered us the use of her cottage in Bayfied to get away for a few days. This would have been around June 11th. I know because it was my 29th birthday and I thought I will never laugh or smile again. My life is over. We were out at a restaurant and I wanted to cry…we seemed too small without Caity. I wanted to yell at people : Go ahead live your lives but be careful tragedy can strike you at any instant. Things were not normal.
We rented a VCR and movies and tried to have a relaxing time but I was heartsick. Everyime I managed to fall asleep I was jolted awake by the remembrance of Caitys death, Images if her ob the bottom of the pool. I felt so tired and I couldn’t concentrate to read..which has always been an enjoyable experience to me.

Christine Henouffer was the director of nursing and she came over to the house with the book The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. We talked a long time and I told her I just wanted to come back to work to put this behind me and have a normal life.
I was able to read the book because it was written by a surviving bereaved parent who has learned away to carry on. I think that this book was one of the things that saved me life and taught me how to put one foot in front of the other and live. I poured over that book, reading and rereading sections, She survived….maybe I would too.
I received many cards and some beautiful heartfelt cards and letters in the mail and I appreciated them but I really want to hear from another Mother who had been through what I had been through.
I received such a gift by way on an anonymous note in the mail. It bore no returned address, no name or signature but it became my talisman for years. I read:
Dear Nancy and AL,
I read with horror about the drowning death of your baby daughter Caity this week and wanted to reach out to you in your sorrow. I know what you are going through because I lost my son to an accidental drowning many years ago. Nothing in your lives will ever be as painful as this but I am here today to tell you that it will take much time and grieving but you will eventually smile again.
People will ask you if there is anything they can do. Take them up on it. People genuinely want to help and concrete tasks are one way they can show their supports.
Don’ let anyone put a time limit on your grief. You will never get over it but will learn how to coexist with your pain.
Don’t blame each other. Blame is not a useful emotion in your relationship. You will both grieve in different ways try to be supportive of each other.
Remember your son is grieving too and needs support from you his parents.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help there in no shame in that.

I wish you peace on your journey,
Love A fellow Bereaved Parent.



I searched for a name, anything to be able to reach out to this person and it wasn’t until many years, when I would write letters of support myself that I understood the power in anonymity.

Eventually everyone left and the flowers that made the house smell like a funeral home died. Cameron went back to school, Al went to work and I was alone in the house without Caity.
I has no idea what to do with the physical ache of wanting to hold her and smell her hair. Caity has still been so young requiring direct hands on care. What to do with that energy? I tried to get back into the school work I had started before her death but the date on the top of the page read June 5th/88"before Caity died when my life was normal. My life became measured in BC and AC…before Caity and after Caity. I put the school work away.


I went back to my work exactly 2 weeks after Caity dies..it was not a wise decision because I as too early in my grief to make decisions like that. However I did return to the very department were Caity was pronounced dead. I kept wondering if her spirit was there.
The best thing about returning was that my Head Nurse gave me the name of a psycho therapist who was also a medical doctor and therefore covered by OHIP. I filed the name away for now. His name was DR Larry Kelly. AL and I had been to see someone immediately after Caity died..i don’t even remember his name but all I kept saying was “ We are going to put this behind us and get on with our lives.” That was my pat line and how I felt. No one could reach me. One day I marched up to Caity’s bedroom and collected up everything that was left in the room. Her toys, clothes, car seat, bedding. I packed everything in green garbage bags and with the exception of one small teeshirt with a pink bow and pink scalloped edging that still smelled of Caity I took everything to the Salvation Army store and left it there.

Author's Note

This is the first draft. I know it needs work but I would appreciate feedback. Please ignore any punctuation and grammar problems. I am writing on my phone and it is not yet finished. Just wanted some early thoughts. Thankyou

Reviews

[Dave]

Nancy -
Though I'm reasonably sure you are beyond this, you have my deepest sympathy. My wife and I have two daughters, who are grown up now. After reading your heartrending story I am ever so grateful we never had to experience anything like what you did. I wish you and your family well.