Chapter XII

Dear William,

Who gives as s**t about the holidays, who gives a s**t about me? Junkies, homeless people, punks, hippies, everyone is selfish and they just pay attention to the nuclear politicians roaming the world, the pope, and every other religious leader raping children and raping us as people of our pride and destiny. Driving me to the walls of bankruptcy after paying almost three thousand dollars for a couple class at CSU to get a class for entering the masters of nurse practitioners. God damn it, f**k me people, if I am good at healing others why the hell and I breaking down inside? I woke up an slipped 2 milligrams of 'kpins' under my tongue today and I let it dissolve my inanity away. Am I insane or just mad? Mad at the world? Mad at being alone? Maybe mad at the fact I am missing a piece of me in life and I cannot point out what it is. 

I have been denied by my own families and friends, and my spirituality just died amongst my love for being alive. It was because of these demons. I want radiate again. This is what brought me back to writing again; an eventful sad, pitiful letter. I just need to recollect my thoughts and know you are always there to talk to but what if you can't handle me? Nobody else can. I feel so uninvited in this world, William and you are the only one who can talk me out of the crazy things I do, but one day if we ever meet again maybe it'll be life changing for us both, or heart breaking.

I just hope you work for your goals and do what is best for you, not just for me. I would love to see your face again and it would be more than words to have you in the same place as me. But I hate getting my hopes up too high, because dreams and hopes rarely come true anymore. But what do I know. What do any of us know. I just want you to understand I lost my s**t this time and you are always right. I am determined to f**k up my whole life, but I will not do it. Do these decisions even relate me to you? Should I even try? 

I nearly lost my sight the day we parted even though I was invisible to you, I admit it. But I don't blame you I am still invisible until this day. But don't mind me, William I will be just fine even if I am back at losing faith tomorrow, I will swallow down my pride. All I see are shadows on each side of my eye, I am not going crazy am I? I would not say I need you here, when I do not. I do want you around. You could help save me but I need to save myself first but you might be the part of me I am missing. 

I am sorry if I sound crazy, I think you would be find if you did not have a clue, I just want your smile parading on my roof.  Again I thank you for bringing me back to writing again, for it is one of my greatest escapes from reality.

Until we meet again,

Augustine