Chapter VIII

Dear Weaver,

The chills that dropped from the arctic sky formed into a solid winter freeze, dropping to a temperature of -25 degrees Fahrenheit in Cheyenne, Colorado. The snow was covering the grounds and it was a cloudy day, leaving the color of the great outdoors dull. Everything was dull, the mountains, the lakes, the ponds, pale and dead. Ever since you left, that is what the world looked like to me.

Dead.

I have felt weaker than usual the past few weeks, and I may have suffered from chronic depression for most of my life, but it should not be the reason that my strength had also been affected indomitably. I grew up with a pretty normal lifestyle with wonderful parents who live in Ohio, whom I do visit every couple of weekends. But for some reason, I still felt sick, internally and physically.

Today I heard your name, well not your real name. I was watching a television show which aired for only two seasons called “The Carrie Diaries”. It may seem a bit childish, but there still is a small child in me that wants to come out and play, when I realize I feel 60 at 24 years old. In the show, a character whom is a screenwriter had the name Weaver. I did not bother to go to the Bistro today, and for some reason Jess was still rambling inside my head. His voice and smiles were scratching through my mind, and the few words we spoke just seemed too sharp. My confusion had made me anxious, therefore left me ail.

I was not only feeling emotionally stressed out, but it was more of a physical pain. Everything hurt me, my stomach, my legs, arms, and feet. The pain spread from my upper abdominal as I was cramping and bloating a few seconds after. My stomach looked like it had been blown up with a helium tank. I breathed deeply and laid on my stomach, thinking it would help me feel better, but my head started raging in ache as soon as I exhaled. I stared at the silver lining of the bed sheets that were thrown on my bedroom floor. The apartment I had rented seemed like a disaster on days I was not feeling well.

I dragged myself out of bed and lit a cigarette knowing I was losing my appetite and it would hurt to swallow anything. So why not inhale a couple of things? I felt nauseous, but I lit the cigarette anyway. Today was supposed to be a new day for me, where changes take place whether it shall be permanent or temporary. I was supposed to start finding a job to put my life together, and maybe do something about my writings. I decided to throw all my medicine bottles away, perhaps it was withdrawal affecting my health and mood lately. However, it should not be an excuse since marijuana has been legalized here for recreational use since the New Year, that is one thing that made me feel human and alive.

I pulled out piece of paper and rolled a nice round joint, and inhaled its natural fumes as if I was burning down the everglades into my lungs, filling my head with peace and calming bliss. As I exhaled, I felt like the stillness of a lake was around me. Each time I stared into the clean cloud of smoke leaving my weakened body, the pain was would alleviate.

There was no pain at all.

I felt so alive that I was prepared for another day at the Briony Bistro with my closest friends. I called my group and they all agreed to meet. I was very ecstatic for once until I looked down to a piece of paper. Jesse's voice echoed in my head again, well, if you change your mind. His brown eyes that flared out in passion made me rethink my life. His glowing smile reflected in the back of my head like a blinding ray of light, putting my mind deeper into a blind spot. Maybe this is part of the new lifestyle that I have been hunting for, and maybe my heart was just not in the right place for you, Weaver. Or maybe we just were not in the right place at the right time. I wore my leather jacket over my black tunic shirt and threw a pair of black leather combat boots on. I stared at my ripped dark blue jeans and thought to myself, I could not feel any better if I had chosen to wear colors other than black to match the day. I grabbed my dark red leather purse and walked outside.

A few minutes later, I reached the Bistro. My Lancer was not so friendly with icy roads, but it was more than worth it to catch up with my good friends on a day like this. Smokey McCharcoal was her name, she was a black Mitsubishi Lancer ES, 2005 model and I haved smoke marijuana in her ever since. Many things have taken place in Smokey. As soon as I closed the door of my car I walked to the front of the Bistro and I looked down the cement stairs. I saw the same brown hair, dark eyes, plaid shirt that I saw before. I was outraged and hoping it really was you, because I was not yet prepared for you; but deep down I wanted it to be you. It makes no sense that I have yearned for this moment, yet I am falling out of place and down the slopes, literally.

Everything began to spin and turn, and I had lost balance, my nausea was more intense and I looked to see it was not you who was standing but a complete stranger making everything feel much worse. The agony I was in had cause my vision to lose focus and I fainted right down the stairs. My helpless and already weak body tumbled down a few stairs until somebody caught me. I woke up instantly from the rapid fainting spell, confused. My vision was still blurred and regaining focus when I saw Jesse's brown eyes burning in front of me. Once my vision cleared he looked more scared and worried than I was. A few people were around him then I heard Rachel and Pete.

“Oh my god! Is she okay? August. Sweety are you okay?” Rachel pushed Jesse away as her and Pete helped me up. She was always so protective of me as if I was her little sister.

“Yes. I just have been sick lately, maybe I'm catching the flu or something.” I stood up and looked at Jesse.

“I'm glad your okay.” He told me, still holding the fearsome look in his face.

“How long have you been sick Augustine? I mean this kind of sickness does not last this long. You have to go see a doctor. If you don't, then I will take you.” Pete demanded and he also looked worried, yet pissed off.

“Okay, you know what guys I'm fine. Now let's just forget this happened and go get some coffee. Where is the owner of this place, I could sue him for the stairs.” I felt a cold sweat rush through my body and chills crawling through my stomach. I suddenly felt better, and coffee would make me feel even greater.

“Actually, it's my brother who owns the place.” As I began to walk away, I head Jesse's voice again behind me. I started to confuse myself with his voice that has been repeating in my head or his voice in reality. I turned back around and smiled in embarrassment.

“I...I'm sorry, I didn't know...”

“It's fine. I'll be seeing you. I'll be out here if you need anything or maybe someone to talk to. Seems like you've been bothered lately about something.” He continued as I turned back around and kept walking.

“No, seriously. It's fine. I mean thanks, but it's nothing you or anybody else could really help me with.” Weaver you were always in my thoughts, but nobody can listen to me or read my mind. It is safe within these pages and you are safe in my writings, but this secret is safe with me.

I slowly walked away and joined the others on our table. Andy and Mario came in, and I sure did miss them. It had been a while since I socialized with all my closest friends together. My mind was too cluttered that I noticed friends are important in life after all. If you isolate yourself it could get you lonelier than you already are. But sometimes no matter how many people are around you, it is possible to feel more alone than being alone, on the other hand some people prefer to remain in confinement.

I looked outside to see Jesse listening to music on his laptop, he wore his headphones like he always did and for some reason he seemed to enjoy his aloneness. I felt bad and uncomfortable and something made me want to approach him again. But someone else caught my approach before I could move.

“You looking at the guy sitting outside? What's going on between you guys, anyway? Huh? Huh?” Andy joked and winked at me while Mario bumped his elbow to me.

“Nothing is going on you guys. Trust me. Now let's just order some coffee.” I smiled and suddenly felt more relaxed and grateful for the Briony Bistro's coffee service, whether you were there to brew my coffee or not. Pete offered to get my coffee so I would not have to stand up to get it. I understand, he just wants me to relax, isn't that what we all want? I have become lactose intolerant lately, so now I prefer coffee without milk unless it is almond or soy. This change in the way I drink my coffee has definitely given me a headstart to bigger steps in the dynamic world; the smallest changes could lead to a new life. Maybe the two of us could mark a special day in history sometime in the future, maybe each as certain writers, but not just yet. I just seemed to slowly get the hang of just writing you without feeling remorse. Or maybe it is just the interest that keeps my brain fleeting in awe that we know almost nothing about each other; but my writings teach a lot more than I expected.

Augustine