7th Testimony- "Into the Black"

Dear Haides,

As I sit here dwindling my feathers, I wonder why is it I take everything for granted? Expecting everything to always be there, I avoid the questions and I dodge every answer. I am currently doing it at the moment by sharing time with my anthemis. It is currently 1:03 AM, but the night is endless and it is young. The world is still. My feathers are falling as I am growing older, and my mind is very unsettling. Alone, I will stand as I am losing Ezra at this second, wondering why I am breaking down and staring below the branches fallen underneath the old oak tree. The wind is whistling around me as the coldness hits every joint in my brittle body. My thinned blood is stinging through my veins, and my heart is pumping dust. I am aging on the inside. I do not know why I feel so emotionless, lifeless, and so unstable. I have turned into an enemy at heart, and I feel so ugly inside.

My good friend and whom I also consider a big brother, Fotios, is leaving back to the holy lands today. And me and my fellow friends had a gathering. I stood outside of the window, this time I sat on the window pane. I needed a closer view of my beloved ones. I know that they all are watching over my back as I see through them. They lay an eye of a hawk over my dead, cold rugged soul. I flew outside of the window pane to take a deep breath of fresh, crisp air and I found a nest. The nest was sewn perfectly and there were fallen leaves around it. I looked inside and it was empty. As empty as my heart.

Ezra flew by and stared into my eyes, as if he wanted to tell me something that I don't already know, and for that I do not blame him. I can be trusted but not for my reactions. From hiding so much behind my window by the oak tree, I release too much anger at once, or I release too much carelessness all at once. Sometimes, it is hard to show anything at all. My mind is set to a point of no return and there is no turning back now. The damage is done. The wrought iron bar in front of me had begun to rust.

From the Phoenix that shattered my soul and raked my privacy into pieces , I have kept an iron gate in front of my window sill beside the oak tree until I have seen proof of what is coming. Until I felt safe, just as I do between the branches of the tree itself. However, it seems like all the protection I have had for all these years struck back into my face. Bombarding right in front of me, all my hopes and dreams of living a happy life had fallen on me instead. I am broken into pieces. In my dreams, I was meant to be smashed into smithereens. Is this what I get for protecting my wings for all of these spiteful years Haides? Is this what I get for finally opening these wings up to somebody? Is my world this dark and so blackened, that it went so far ahead of me that I cannot see? Is it spinning right past me that I am not quick or worthy enough to pause it? I am tired of all these questions, I need answers. Because, every answer seems to get me more into space.

I have given up on the meaning of life, the smooth paths, and the flow of the river, because it all came to an end in front of my eyes. I lost everything. I lost it all. And for some odd reason, I feel like I do not deserve anything the earth had offered to give me, just because my rooted past still haunts me. It chokes me and weighs me down, from the strength which I do not have. I am on the edge of a forsaken cliff, in which I have worked hard to climb. There is not a care in the world for anyone, or anything, unless you lose something that you take for granted. You never know how much something means to you until you lose it, forever.

I wish I did not have to shed a tear tonight, but I did, and the entire field of bad energies around the world cannot be as strong as the one held within me right now. I am not the kind of person to settle for emotions or feelings, but Ezra had brought them out for me. He showed me that nothing can be taken smoothly, and nothing can be fixed once it is broken. Nothing can be easy, yet everything can go wrong with one small action. He taught me that the whole world will never be able to feel you if you are in pain, joy, sadness, unless it is your other half. The one. He was not the one, but he is the one I already lost. I cannot move nor can I see, yet I feel no shame and no empathy. Now I am going to take these broken wings and crawl deeper into the nest that I came out of. I feel like I never belonged to this irrational world, and I never deserved a chance to hatch from this fragile form of life from a bleak egg. To those of you reading this, I know it may sound a bit harsh, dark, dead. But it is the truth that we all live by, if not, then we were never alive, nor would we have a soul.

The fact of the matter is, I cannot fool anyone. Who am I kidding? Other than myself... it just is not fair to any of us. The worst possible thing I can think of is pulling people off and grabbing them towards each other with fake smiles. It is such a crime to pretend you are having the time of your life. None of us have a full and happy life, otherwise we would not be living; Therefore we are delinquents of our own scarred minds.

Sometimes, I feel as if I should clock in and out of my day. I've tried all I could with my cold heart and filtered soul to appreciate it, and I still almost do, believe me, I do, but it is never enough. Sure it is nice to help people, to please them and just be there for them, but I do not know why I only appreciate things in isolation. I am not even sensitive, as a matter of fact, I need to be slightly numb in order regain some self potential of feeling or seeing emotions. Anthemis has helped me attain my personality, my self peace, and it captures my soul to cure my insomnia that I have been raging for six years. I died two-thousand, one-hundred and ninety days ago. 

“...so remember, it's better to burn out, than to rust.” (Neil Young "Hey,Hey, My My Into the Black”)

Therefore, within,

Nyx

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter. You gave some more history and expanded the story to new places. I like the main character. She had a realistic tone giving strength and purpose to the story. Always good to end with a Neil Young verse. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote