5th Testimony- "Hollow Notes of A Songbird"

Dear Haides,

The time has come to lay my old copper shovel by my side now. The weather this morning was interesting. The wind was strong, the skies of the Musterion River were roaring with thunder was thunder and it was cloudy. Musterion means a place of secrets concealed into the world of an unknown ruler. I looked out into the far west as I sat by my window sill rising my wings to Harmonia, and she smiled as she gracefully walked to go to the gym she works out in not far from her house. My home sits a few miles beside it, it is the old oak tree overlooking a burial with a perfect view of the sunset. However, I had a pretty gloomy Saturday, but that's okay because I have always dreaded Saturday. It has been always by my least favorite day of the week since I was a kid. I had a rough childhood anyways, on the weekends I would not get the full freedom that the other birds at did, which left me with no friends because I envied them so much I had to push them away for their own protection. I was the only flightless cormorant I knew. Then one day, an old wise man dressed in a black trench coat walked by my old oak tree and sent me a message in a bottle. I can recall the man's white iris and cadaverous face. He wore white gloves and was almost as tall as my oak tree. He reached out to me and handed me a small glass bottle. I pulled out a tiny paper inside and read, “Nobody is free. Even birds are chained to the sky.” Was this a curse? Or was it a sign to put my ego back together? If so it would be appreciated, I am slowly falling part inside. But I am so thankful to have the group of friends that I have today. Although they may be a bit harsh on me sometimes, and I take their comments and jokes to heart, it still lets me know that they really care about me. I am not being noble, I just know them so well and they only do that to people they love and care about.

As I still perched by my window now staring into the beautiful night sky, I count every other bird flying right past me. Each day I count them, more and more fly by in groups, maybe even pairs- which gives me more hope that I am next. There are oncoming chances to this impossible life than I can barely see.

I tried to make it clear to Ezra today that I am in a rough spot with him now. But he reacted in a way that touched me so deeply, yet put me into a marrow shock. I did not know whether I should actually believe him, despite the fact that most of my friends never did. I did not know how to react at all, but I felt a space of guilt inside of me. He had something planned for me and I wish I knew what it was. But as rude as I have been to him, he is so upset that he would not tell me anymore. I do not even think that he wants me around. I do not blame him, I am trying to avoid him and I live to have no heart. Sure, I do deserve a lot of things, but this I do not. I deserve better. I could be my own worst enemy at times, but a lot of the pressure goes back to the instigator himself. I avoid commitment because of fear, lack of emotions, and hidden feelings, opinions... I just have a bad habit of ruining surprises and whatever is coming to me. This includes life's surprises, I simply try to dodge them.

Today I enjoyed a nice cup of coffee, or maybe more than a few, with Harmonia and Myron. I was sitting by the wooden table outside as I watched them on the couches as they lightheartedly laughed and smiled. I am really happy for them, especially when I saw how much they were smiling together. Yet, they questioned me again on my real opinion of them becoming one. I told them it was fine, but truthfully, it would be a bit awkward because I used to have vast feelings for Myron. But the point is that he moved on and so did I. We had to, and for that there is a reason. Maybe it happened because something greater has come to him. Harmonia. If something does happen, at least Harmonia would be with someone who I know well enough to be praiseworthy to her. 

Myron would treat Harmonia so well and he also deserves someone I know well enough to treat him like royalty. It is what they deserve, each other, and I owe them that. Maybe I will be a bit strangled about it at first, and it will bother me. The thoughts are killing me, but I do not want to let it. Myron told me to build up my inner self, which I am working on. And if this kills me, it might just make me stronger. I will get used to it. I want to get used to it. Today I was humming three times but nobody heard me. 

How can you learn to fly without falling down? I lost all feeling in my feet, but that just means I can put the strength on my wings. Who needs to walk on earth anyway, when they can fly? Not long after the discussion the three of us were engaged in, my good companion Menos came along. When Harmonia and Myron went to grab a bite to eat, Menos pulled out a chair and sat by me. He asked me what was wrong and why I looked so tired. He could already tell that something was going on with Ezra and I, because he used to have the be in the exact same situation I am in, but he ended it. As great of a friend he is, I told him what was going on and he held out a hand and offered his help. I opened my deadened wings and let him speak.

While Menos and I were having a decent conversation over a few cups of coffee, he told me that Ezra and I were like a double edged blade. I will never forget that figure of speech. Each end is sharp. Our ends are balanced, like a steel barrel, with only sharp ends of disagreement. Once again, I always find myself leaving some one just because I want to be left alone. I have to end up being all alone and stranded at the crossroads because I feel more comfort following that same exact road.

Myron told me about forgetting all of the bad things in life. Although he realized that after I left him, I left every one else and escaped every situation around me. I did it to try and be more comfortable on my own, he still taught me that it is not healthy to stay inside this heaped dirt hole. I know that I still have not fully figured things out with Ezra yet, but I flew off the power lines with him. What does he want from me? Does he want to teach me a lesson? Does he want to take revenge and walk away from me like I almost did to him? I feel like he is waiting until it rains in this dry county desert to forgive me, or leave me alone.

Today, I came back to the old oak tree where me and Myron once watched the sunset, but the sun was not there this time. It was just a fog of dust and haze the moment I was trying to look for answers. I noticed I was knocking from inside the branches, but nobody can hear me. I was chirping behind the leaves but nobody listened. Not even the man in the ice cream suit I saw yesterday felt this lost. He looked happy as heaven. This fed my soul. Not that the guy was a big ice cream cone, but the fact that he showed me that life does not always have to be so serious, or so harsh.

Sure, I do hide my emotions a lot, and it is not for the safety of others, but for the safety of me and the others around me. This pouring rain and thunder outside makes me wish I can fly. I would wonder what it would feel like being so high up in the starlit sky. But, the closest I have ever got to that feeling was anthemis. The day I decided let go of anthemis, I felt like I took a lot out of my life. The way I used to solve things was easier, and it was healthy. The pressure I hid was because of my beloved anthemis. I began to look at other families of this sort, but nothing is the same. Nothing will be that easy ever again, and it might not be worth it in the end. I have chosen to return to my blessed anthemis, and there is no harm or shame in doing so.

As my day time job I teach my young cormorants a word or two about something I never did- learning to fly. Although most of them are still young birds, they will begin to develop soon. I don't want them to end up like how I was. Erasing the white board is so simple. You wipe off the ink and you start a new line, a new sentence, and a new question. If only we can do that in real life, erase the past, the wrongs, bad decisions, mistakes and start over again. But how can we learn from the stars if they are shooting stars? Shooting stars are just dead stars falling to hit the ground- yet, they never touch earth. So does this mean if I ever try to fly I would die out like those stars? Would I want to come back to this earth but not have a direction or path? Would I die on the way? Life is only but a big test with so many questioned thoughts; Yet it being incomplete, we stride to only get a few questions with all the wrong answers.

My eyes feel heavier than the boulder I have been carrying on my shoulders lately. It is time for me to sleep and forget about everything. Until tomorrow, time will behold more surprises and bare truths I have searched for. Until tomorrow my friend, dearest Haides, and if this bird cannot fly, this bird shall try to sing. Not just for me, but also for my lovely group of friends at the coffee house. I will always be there, listening and watching, whether it be on the power lines or the window sill, for I have officially fallen asleep in this merely awakened reality. I am almost there, my dearest Haides, for  I am closer to finding the rising white blind light. Life is a big test, with questions left unanswered: A note to be created, a tune to alter, and a song to be sung.

Yours Truly, 

Anonymous

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the thoughts in the chapter. I like the pace of the story. You give enough to keep the story interesting and the character strong. I like the use of the words the double edge blade. Most of us like to test life. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote