Loving You Is...

Loving you is difficult. Loving you is different. 

You said that I’m special. That you find peace in me and hold a certain place in your heart. And that you didn’t expect me to even look your way and your glad that I did. But at times your conflicted because if I were to find somebody you would be sad because ya know your human but you would still root for me. 

Loving you is hard. 

It’s hard because I made it hard. And it’s hard because of all the factors we have to consider. The distance to calculate, the time to plan, our personal life’s in general. It’s hard. The company that we keep, the temptations that surround us. It’s hard. The words we choose to tell one another. And the words we don’t. It’s hard. 

Loving you is a trial.

I tried my hardest to not fall for you. I fought the feelings that were secretly growing. The mix emotions in deciding if I’ll give in or remain quite. Loving you is like a trial. I want to keep going but at times I feel like canceling early. And I’m not sure if you truly give me reasons to or if I’m trying to find some.

Loving you troublesome. 

It’s troublesome because I’m not sure what kind of love I want from you. Sometimes I want that friendly love. That homeboy vibe, let’s kick it, play a game or have a couple of beers or some wine. Sometimes I want that boyfriend love. I want that your mine and nobody else’s. I want that I miss you in the start of a convo and I love you at the end. So love becomes troublesome. 

Loving you is annoying. 

Lately I’m unable to sort out my feelings. Lately I’m missing you more and then I’m not missing you as much. I’m looking at my phone more, I debate on sending positive reinforcement and then regretting not sending it. Lately I’m annoyed because I want you to be mine and I have to keep reminding myself that your not. Lately I’ve been wanting to say that but unsure if your feelings are that deep. Lately he goes back and forth and that make me want to confess less. 

That’s why loving you is hard, troublesome, and annoying. 

Because I’m not sure what I want exactly. At times I want you more. I want to say how much you mean me to. I want...well you. All of you. But I can’t have all of you. And I can’t tell you everything because I don’t know how deep this is for you. 

Loving you is a challenge. 

And unfortunately I love challenges.