The Life of a Nobody

Britney use to love christmas. That and birthdays were her favourite times of the year. Christmas day was the one time her whole family could pretend that nothing was wrong and all sit at the table together. But it all changed as she got older.

Britney realised things when she was about eight. She spent most of her time with her dad when she could as her mum was busy helping old people recently out of hospital. When he had left for work, Britney didn't know what to do; she had no one to pass the time with. Her brother was fifteen years older than her and always promised to take her out one day but whenever he did, he never showed up. All her friends lived far away so she was stuck by herself. The more time she spent alone, the more her thoughts grew. 

It was easy at first to occupy her mind; a simple book that she enjoyed flew her to new places and even when she finished, her mind still lingered on it. Britney always wondered if happily ever afters were really as fun as they seemed. 

Her spare room next door was big enough for Britney to play some music and dance to. Britney loved to dance so much she done it every day until her brother came. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend and needed a place to stay. The spare room was gone and so was Britney's chance to dance. Her babysitter use to take her places, like swimming or to the park and something to eat, and Britney loved it. She also kept reading and telling her carer about the books and loving her a tiny bit more each time she bought Britney a new one.

But when she no longer needed a babysitter, the books grew less attractive and Britney watched television more. Programmes like 'Spongebob' or 'Hannah Montana' was also useful during the day. But they always left a imprint on her mind afterwards. Why was she so alone?

Whenever she watched her favourites, she did wonder: would she ever find her Patrick? It seemed silly at the time as she did have a best friend. Her parents approved of Natalia as she was smart; the need to get better grades than her pushed Britney to try harder which pleased her dad. 

Then Natalia moved away to another country and Britney was alone again. She gave Natalia a letter writing set in hopes they would keep in touch but no such mail arrived at her door. Britney also discovered that Natalia didn't truly like her and had in fact been saying nasty things behind her back; she called Britney overweight.

It was true, Britney was a chubby child. Her dad use to be a chef and loved making food and Britney use to love eating food! She didn't take any notice before of anything but after hearing those remarks she suddenly became a lot more self concious.

By the time she was ten, Britney had changed. She started arguing with her mum more and went to bed in tears, only to find that the next morning her mum would act as if nothing had happened and carry on this cycle. Her dad got fired then rehired and took a lot of business trips. He made sure to ring every night but it wasn't the same; Britney wanted her father.

She also started going through puberty which was a good and bad thing at the same time. Her legs grew longer and her hips became wider (her mother said she looked like Jessica Rabbit which offended Britney as her teeth were crooked), and she started to grow hair. Her mum bought some hair removal cream and Britney's face hurt from smiling that night as she was feeling her smooth legs. 

It was also bad in the sense that she started to notice guys as well. She still was a little chubby, not as much as before, but she wasn't as slim as most of the girls. She went to bed every night feeling sad that her friends could catch any guys attention and all she was to them was 'one of the guys'.

Then Alex came.

Britney saw Alex and smiled at her the first day she stepped into class with her mum. She was pleasantly surprised when Alex asked to hang out with her at break; they became best friends instantly.

Secondary school came and it turns out that Britney was in the same form as Alex which made her happy. Throughout the first two years of that girls only school, they had one big fight which ended after a week. Britney still gradually lost weight and the year of braces did wonders for her teeth yet still argued with her mum and drifted away from her dad; she still cried to sleep every night and she still wished she could dance. Music was her escape yet she had no place she could go. So she went back to books.

This time the books were more mature than before. Stories of teenagers falling in love; vampires; werewolves; wizards. Anything the school library could offer her. But Britney found on more than one occasion that something wasn't quite right with those books. Their lives were too perfect.

Britney then started writing and she loved it even more than reading. Her mum noticed her writing more and bought her journals and pens on more than one occasion. It was her way of caring, even though they still argued, yet Britney lavished in it. 

Then one day a thought occured to Britney as she was re-reading her current story; it wasn't the story that was missing something, it was her. Britney wasn't pretty like the main characters were. She could never be a brave or selfless as them and she would never have anyone love her the way they did. Even in her own stories the main characters had something urging them on or a reason why things were happening.

The more Britney thought about this, the more Britney hated herself. The magic her writing one held had slipped through her fingers and she hated herself all over again for letting it slip away. She kept  persisting though. Her fingers never stopped typing or scribing; her teachers said she had talent but she just needed inspiration. But the time she had matured Britney was ready to just give up.

And she didn't mean give up writing. Give up Everything. Alex had slowly begun to leave as she had met some guy and became obsessed. Her dad was too interested in the television or too busy with work. Her mum spent all her time in her bedroom reading and her brother spent all his time smoking drugs in his room.

Britney had never felt more alone.

So when Christmas came that year she had high hopes for that special day and knew that the unspoken rule of acting like a family for once was about to be set into motion. Her birthday was already a let down as her dad was busy again and her mum just gave her the few presents and left without even staying to watch her open them. 

But the day was a let down. She felt so upset from the previous year and watched as her family awkwardly smiled at each other as they opened the presents. Britney did get some nice things (the water colour paints were her favourite), yet she couldn't feel happy. The whole day she faked a smile, even when her dad had to answer the phone from work. Even when her brother went upstairs again to smoke the crap. Even when her mum shouted at her for singing whilst the television was on. Britney was a good actress.

The next few months were hard. Britney found herself reaching out for somebody but no one was there. By July she was sad all the time. The scissors lay on her bed side table.

She decided to confess to her best friend about all the stuff she was feeling but her Alex didn't care. She had her own problems and left Britney. Alone. Again. The scissors still lay on the bedside table.

Eventually she allowed her self to get close enough to another girl and told her. Melinda was unsure was to do, Britney could tell. She awkward placed an arm around Britney's shoulder and said she would try to help. But whenever Britney couldn't fake a smile and wanted some comfort from Melinda, she had to ask. And it was obvious that Melinda didn't care. Her voice and her body language gave it away. When Melinda was with Alex however, she light up.

It was Alex that was the reason Melinda ever spoke to Britney in the first place. Everyone adored Alex and wanted to be her friend but Melinda wanted to be her best friend. With Britney having troubles, Melinda slyly stole Alex away. She came back a few times because Alex didn't understand why Britney was never with her anymore. She was always naive like that. Britney stayed away so Melinda, or anybody else for that matter, couldn't hurt her anymore. The scissor was picked up from the bedside table that night.

Britney placed the sharp end against her skin and pushed down. But nothing came up. She fell asleep crying again that night. 

The next night, the same result. The pillow was wet as Britney drifted off.

The next after, the same thing again. This time Britney threw the scissors to the side and wept in her hands. She was so stupid and pathetic she couldn't even make one tiny little cut. Britney wept as all her thoughts rushed through her head making it worse.

Britney wasn't good at anything. Everyone she ever let in or trusted and loved had just left her and it hurt. All she ever truly needed from someone was for them to placed an arm around her or even a hug. Just let her know she was loved.

But no one did.

Author's Note

This story is quite personal to me so please mention what you think and I hope you enjoy it.