Insomnia

I just couldn't fall asleep last night.

Brilliant light shines in my eyes 

Still awake

Bring forth the morning skies

 

Eyes heavy but mind isn't ready to give in

Still awake

Watching many lives so full of sin

 

Body feels slow but always ready

Still awake

Forgot the meds, better hold steady

 

Remain this throughout the day

Still awake

Maybe this night will sleep and not decay

 

Not ready for the actions ahead

Still awake

But there's no comfort in an empty bed

 

The pressure it builds within the mind

Still awake

These hands cannot be combined

 

The wanting, the lust, and the tragedy

Still awake

The all knowing, the oncoming catastrophe

 

So free when the blue bird is gone

Still awake

On the shoulders nothing upon

 

Hopefully remain this throughout the day

Still awake

Maybe this night will sleep and not decay

Author's Note

So, I have a pretty bad case of insomnia. For those of you who don't know, go look it up cuz I'm too lazy to explain.

Anyways. Let me know what you got from the poem, what you thought it meant. Be honest. It's ok if it was totally different. I want you to be able to connect with it in your own way. How you interpreted it. And I also want to know what you thought of it. Good, bad, terrible, wonderful. Be specific.

A simple 'good job' doesn't give me much to work with.

Reviews

[B Wayne]

I like this, but it confuses me with the "still awake" in every stanza.
This reads better to me, but it's your poem.

Brilliant light shines in my eyes
Bring forth the morning skies

Eyes heavy but mind isn't ready to give in
Watching many lives so full of sin

Body feels slow but always ready
Forgot the meds, better hold steady

Remain this throughout the day
Maybe this night will sleep and not decay

Not ready for the actions ahead
But there's no comfort in an empty bed

The pressure it builds within the mind
These hands cannot be combined

The wanting, the lust, and the tragedy
The all knowing, the oncoming catastrophe

So free when the blue bird is gone
On the shoulders nothing upon

Hopefully remain this throughout the day
Maybe this night will sleep and not decay

I think the title "Still Awake" works even without that in the poem itself.



B

[briannachristine]

I understand what B Wayne was saying about the "still awake" in every stanza, however, I re-read it and it's almost as if you have a beat going. After I read it the third time it almost seemed as if you could feel lying in bed, eyes wide open and just focusing on breathing in and out using the "still awake" as a breath out. I really liked the movement I felt. I think it might help to either add a line of "still awake" between the stanza's as well or add a second line of text between those that only have one.

...Making it read as follows:

Brilliant light shines in my eyes

Still awake

Bring forth the morning skies

Still awake

Eyes heavy but mind isn't ready to give in

Still awake

Watching many lives so full of sin



...That way you really feel the rhythm as you read it. It has a beat you can breath in and out with. Try reading it out-loud to yourself following the pauses that you laid out with your stanza's. I think that will have more of an impact as far as getting me to feel the uneasiness of lying awake and having all these things happening in your brain but having your body remain motionless.

I hope that helps. Don't stop writing- It was very raw with emotion. I liked it, just needs some fine-tuning as all things do when they are written on emotion- I know that all too well!!

Good job!!
-b

[thecoolone52]

yeah when the mind wonders its really hard to sleep...................... espeically when your havin relationship problems........ i think its a real strong intro..... it gets a little faded in the middle but its good cus your still telling a story........ like what happeans throughout your day in a way.......... i liked it.......... GOOD JOB haha

[Jason Nuciola]

i like it take a look at mine

[Wolfwind Words]

I thought it was really good. The image i got from it was someone not wanting to deal with the burdens, that they knew the new day would bring with it. So they tossed and turned, mulled it over in there head, over and over again. The mind was on overdrive, sleep wouldn't come.

The feeling I got from this was one of frustration and fear. As if you could see the sins of the world and the sinners actions would eat at you, tearing you apart inside the mind. Fearful of what would happen if the sins continued.

I enjoyed it alot.

The one line that kinda felt off to me was this one;
"On the shoulders nothing upon" I don't think it works. I can still get the image from it. But it almost seems like it's two seperate thoughts crammed together into on line to make it rhyme. That's just what I saw. My mind flowed through the piece and stumbled a little on that line.

Other then that I was a poem, that brought across strong images to me.

Nice Write!
Aaron Maycroft

[Belinda Rice]

This poem men to me the sleep you can not have is because of the love that is not there, no one there to be beside you as you sleep males it very hard for you.I feel a strong connection to this poem cause I could not sleep with out having some one beside me to comfort me and hold me and to just know that they are there....I have insomnia to i cant sleep at all I have trouble sleeping and when I do I can breath at night,I had a sleep study to find this out but in your case I feel that you have both the need of sleep with someone beside you and to sleep jusy to sleep and stay asleep and know that you cant feel comfortable in your own skin when going to bed at night.I could be wrong but this is what I felt from this poem and it was wonderfully writen and I give you alot of koodos for this cause you write like I do what you feel at at the moment and what with in you..Great job I hope to see more and God Bless.. You have a great hand for writing always know that you have in in your fingertips and in your soul....Belinda

[Ralphy]

It's a sad poem and I really can relate to it. I would love to just lay down and sleep until morning but it doesn't happen. I like the form and the flow. I think you capture the moment because as I read it I could I could feel the frustration building. I like it, thank you

[George Love]

You really capture the feeling and spirit of being unable to sleep here. Being stuck on a 24 on 48 off shift for years, I still have nights when my body knows what it would be doing, and nights like this plague me. Some of your explanation took the reader away from their own meaning though. All in all a good work, maybe some tweaks with more imagery, but I love the "Still Awake" as it flows through this piece!